i thought this was a beautiful image.

makin' some changes...

Maybe that's self-explanatory? I'm changin' up the blog. Spending my all-too-good time during in-school to do this because I have nothing else to do. I've been wanting some change on here for a while, but yet again here it comes, I just hadn't gotten the time, so hereeeee weeeee GOOOOOO! :D

repetitive feeling.

I feel like whenever I post on here, I'm always saying how I should post more and that I've had no time and that it's getting annoying and I really need to. WOW SO WEIRD, BECAUSE THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE. I'm sitting in the office today on a Friday because I have a lovely in-school detention FOR BEING LATE TO SCHOOL. So I guess that means that I'm lumped together with all of the pot/boge smokers, kids with bad attitudes, assholes, etc etc. KCOOL. My school administration is retarded, honestly. I got a detention on my SECOND TIME being late. WTF. I know for a fact that your third late is supposed to be a detention. The first two are warnings. And then I get an in-school on the fifth one? Seriously, Pascack Valley, what the actual fuck? I mean, in the first place, who has ever heard of getting an in-school detention for being late to school anyway? That's just retarded. Ugh I'm so pissed off right now. This means this goes on my record and colleges will see it and, better yet, I'll always be known as some girl who's gotten an in-school to the administration and the people in the office. None of them know me. Although, I've had a few clarifications today with the office staff asking me what I did to get an in-school. I pumped it up a lot being like, "oh well, you know, i...WAS LATE TO SCHOOL." Ugh fuuuuuuuuuuck. And I doubt my principal/assistant principals even know who I am. I've never talked to them before in my life, so they don't know me. It's such bull. I know for a fact that they've already labeled me in their minds without knowing who I am or ANYTHING. But ugh whatever.

And there's some other kid in here with me. I think he's a freshman. But he was basically gone for the past hour...where the fuck did he go? How was he allowed to leave for an entire hour? Well, when he got back, there was an overpowering stench of cigarette smoke, so I'm thinkin' I know what he was up to for at least a portion of that hour, if not the whole thing. Well it's 7th period right now anyway. At least the day is almost done. And then I go to dance to teach my little hip-hoppers, then my ballet girls, and have my own classes and forget about this horrible day.

OKAY FROM NOW ON: I AM NEVER GOING TO BE INEXCUSABLY LATE FOR SCHOOL AGAIN. I have to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again, so...yeah.

I've done all the work that I've had, so I've just been sitting here on my laptop for about the past hour and a half just amusing myself with pointless websites. One in particular being MyLifeIsTwilight.com and lololol it's so hilariously pitiful. These people are crazy. I have to show this to Brandi so she can break her I LOVE TWILIGHT phase and be normal again. When I say these people have no lives at all, I MEAN IT. Wow, they are just the most horrible excuse for people who actually have lives. I mean, look at these people. Like is that the most odd, messed up thing, or what?

Well, anyway, that's what I've been up to. I have to try and find some time tomorrow to go to the mall and get my cousin, Corey, something for the Christmas grab bag. I have a party at my cousin's house tomorrow night, but I don't know what time it starts. Hopefully not too early, so I'll have time to get to the mall and wrap whatever it is I get. I don't even know what he'd want. He's into motorcycles and hunting and dogs and stuff, but what the hell do I get him? I have no clue whatsoever. Maybe I should text his mom tonight to make it easier for me. Oh well, I'll figure it out. I'll figure everything out.

this is getting out of hand

I'm not posting. Like AT ALL. Ugh this is really getting on my nerves, but I have had literally NO TIME in the last month (month, yes?) since I've posted. Okay, whatever, almost a month, but still. I've had rehearsals like crazy for my holiday show THIS SUNDAYYYY and I have just been up to my neck in so many things. I don't even know what's going on. I'm sick too.

FUCK WHY? I HAVE TO BE BETTER BY SATURDAY. That's dress rehearsal for the show at the studio and then Sunday morning, we're having another rehearsal AT the college. My voice HASSSS to be okay but AT LEAST Sunday morning because I'm singing 3 songs in the show BY MYSELF. So obviously people will notice if I sound stuffy or nasally and it will just be really bad. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Also, thinking of another thing...the only time lately that I get to post on here is during school; particularly french class. Why? Because we fucking don't do shit in this class so I'm just sitting here. Funny how this is when I post here most often. Hate. This. Class. DONE.

But yeah, aside from the cold I'm starting to get, I'm SUPERRRR stoked for this show. I'm just so excited. What more can I say? I have 20+ people coming to see me and it's going to be an awesome show. Metro always puts on awesome shows, so OBVS.

& side note: wow, I think this is the most I've written on this blog in a long time. AND WHY, AGAIN? Because I have so much time in french class. Spent, no, not learning french, but typing away on my blogger. Good times.

i reached 100 posts (this being 101)

Wow, weird. Although I never update FAR as frequently as I should, and I really have to get on that because there's SO much going on that I have to put on here. A lot still from the summer. I'm just so busy lately. It's ridiculous. Junior year...LOVE IT.

...uhhhhhhm, no.

It's ACTUALLY kicking my ass so hard. So I just have so much shit going on, I barely have time to sit down and breathe, not to mention shut my eyes for more than 2 seconds. Ugh. But I will make it a priority to sit down either today or tomorrow, and just totally edit everything that I've needed to update about. I know no one really reads this, so it's not like I'm letting anyone down, but I need to do this for myself. Au revoir from French class. I hate that too. Fuck.

apparently

I'm so childish that it's hindering my ability to grasp reality and I don't want to grow up. Well you know what, fuck you. Ugh things going on this past three-day weekend have really been messing with my head and I have no patience for anything anymore. At least for right now. I'm in french class and we're supposed to be doing a project, but I'm not doing that shit. There's too much on my mind and I can't even begin to focus right now. I just have to get it all out on here. Ugh I hate things and people and stupid ideas and when people don't know or even have the slightest clue about whatever the fuck they're talking about. Fuck ignorant bitches. Just GET OUT.

I'll come back on later and explain what happened when I'm at home. I don't want to do it right now in school where there's the possibility of someone noticing and reading it. Ugh I still have to go through 5 fucking more periods and then a stupid half hour of talent night audition rehearsal with a girl I don't want to perform with and auditioning with something that I don't want to do and I'm upset that I got sucked into it in the first place. I'm too nice to tell her that I don't want to do it now, at this point anyway. I just was right now to be tomorrow after school because then I'll be in holiday show practice and I'll lose myself in learning choreography and just forget about everything.

My dad and his stupid shit with his fucking girlfriend is pissing me off again and he keeps talking about it during dinner. Like the one time she doesn't come to dinner, he still manages to find a way to incorporate her at our dinner table. I've been in the worst mood the past couple of days and I just hate everything right now. Can it just stop? Thanks. That's all I ask.

i'm just riddling with posts today

I just got back from ShopRite with my dad and now I'm in a horrible mood.  Today was just an all-around bad day and dance better cheer me up tonight.  I was in the store with my dad and I wanted to get some goldfish for snacks during the day at school because my lunch period isn't until 7th period out of the 8 periods that we have in school, so I basically don't eat until like 1:10 in the afternoon, but I don't eat breakfast either.  I never have time for it and my stomach always hurts when I do because I walk to school and I get cramps, but that's really beside the point.  So I wanted something to take to school for the morning to snack on so my stomach doesn't disembowel itself, growling for food up until 7th period.

My dad comes over after I put the goldfish in the cart and says to me, "I thought you were trying to watch your weight.  You should stay focused on trying to get back in shape, you know."

......

Fuck him.  I've been hating on myself lately, thinking I'm fat and need to lose weight and shit and he seriously has the ordacity to say that out loud, to my face?  What the fuck.  I'm a girl.  That equals = stronger emotional feelings than guys, bad moods during PMS, PMS IN GENERAL (fuck guys, they have nothing to complain about in their lives because they don't have to worry about going through the shit of PMS, pregnancy, and menopause), hating on ourselves because we never think we're good enough whether it be looks, personality, or anything else that sucks in life.  So I was craving goldfish.  IS THAT UNUSUAL?  And does that give someone I'm with the power to make a rude remark right to my face that automatically makes me feel insecure, pissed off, and annoyed?  Uhm no.

i cannot possibly stress enough

about how much i HATE french class. another class period wasted because we're not doing anything. my teacher is dumb, incompetent, and just a poor excuse for a educational instructor. & she basically just insulted the entire gay/lesbian population. this class sucks and it's only the third week of school. that's both sad and ridiculous. i could be doing something so much better, and productive for that matter, with my time. this is a huge waste of

1. my time

2. my brain cells

3. a class period that i could be doing something better in

4. just everything else in general

5. my good mood BEFORE coming to this class

yeah.

"let's just go into 'O Valencia' "

So I went to a Decemberists concert last night with Isabel, and they were absolutely AMAZING. Colin Maloy was so hilarious when he stopped to talk to everyone on stage in between songs and their whole first set was just all "Hazards of Love." After they finally finished after an hour, Colin says into his mic offstage, "THAT WAS ONLY ONE SONG!" Funniest thing ever. I'll have pictures and videos that I took uploaded shortly, but right now I'm in school, in fucking french class where we don't do anything. At least it's a half day today, so there's only 5 more minutes in the class. But every single fucking day, we just sit here and do nothing. She gives us a stupid worksheet or something to do and it's such lower lever french, it's not even funny, but no one wants to do it so we just sit here and she comes out with remarks like, "Oh, I know the vocabulary is a little tricky, so I'll give you guys a little but more time with it." Yeah. Okay. Fuck you. Fuck french class.

fear not, i didn't go anywhere

Wow, I'm getting really bad about not posting on here...like it's really bad.

Let's see, what's been going on?

• I started junior year.  KILL ME, PLEASE?  kthnx.
• I went to NY state with my cousins who I never see except for labor day weekend and a few times a year, and I really miss them and miss it up there.  We're trying to schedule a paintball match up there soon.
• I got my bottom braces on & my mouth KILLLLLLLLS.
• I can't wait for the SYTYCD tour with Brandi; it's going to be the shit.
• I also have a Decemberists concert coming up on the 21st with Isabel.
• it's getting colder out and I love it <3
• WHAT ELSE?!  I have no idea.  BUT this is a promise:  I will post on here WAYYYY more than I have been.  Like, it's kind of ridiculous how little I've been writing on here.

So yeah, that's it for today.

take my pain away

So today is a very special day to me, although it's also the saddest, most terrible day of my life.  Today is the five year anniversary of my mom's passing.  I've been trying to keep busy, but moments like these right now, when I'm just sitting down and not doing anything, these are the moments when I think about what today is and how much I hurt inside.  I miss my mom so much and I wish she could still be here to see all of the things I've done and how I've changed and what kind of a person I have become.  But I know she's here...somewhere.  She's watching and she's got a good idea of what's going on and I know she sees me.  I know she's proud of me and she wants the best for me and my brothers and our family.  I love her so much.

But today also makes me so angry.  First, because I cannot even believe it's been five years since this happened.  It's only a day out of the entire year, but it still has a big, huge impact on my life so much, and I know it always will hold a special place in my heart.  It's like I stop thinking about everything else on this day.  I feel empty and breakable today.

And second, I am so upset with my dad today.  I have bee for weeks because of something he told me.  A few weeks ago, he told me that he was going to go to a wedding with his girlfriend for some friend of her's daughter whom I've never met.  But whatever.  The thing that upset me the most was that he said it was today.  So, yeah.  He just left a few minutes ago, actually.  And I stared him down every second of it from when he walked out to the car until he pulled out and drove away down my street.  That's disgusting.  Who goes to a wedding with their girlfriend on the same date that your wife passed away?  Especially exactly five years after?  What the fuck.  Idiot.  He makes me so upset more often than I'm actually happy with being in his presence because all the time, the conversation always seems to adjust itself on his girlfriend.  Like, can he please realize for once that I don't really and could never give a fuck about her?

At least one of my friends came over for a good portion of the day, so that made it a little better.  But whatever.  I don't even know anymore.  People suck and never know what's going on right in front of them until someone else has to open their mouth and spell it out for them.  The end.

Diane Adrianna Germakian

January 2, 1953-August 21, 2004

RIP ♥

I love & miss you so much

soreness + cramps = let's write a blog entry!

No enthusiasm intended of course.  I'm just sitting here on my bed being miserable because I feel so shitty.  I'm home alone and I can hear the crickets (or is it the cicadas?) making that calming, soothing noise outside.  The AC's blowing, so I have my MDI sweatshirt on to go to bed in because I'm so cold.  I could just turn the air down, but I don't want to get up; it hurts too much.  (On a side note, my dad will probably shut it completely off when he gets home)  Yeah, he's out and I'm not.  That's cool and everything.  Oh, so two days ago, this random guy came to the door and told my dad that he was getting subpoenaed by his girlfriend's husband (yes, you read that correctly, she's still married ((ughh I hate her.  yep.)) although she's been going through the divorce process for a little over a year now and she's been dating my dad for almost 5 and never told him about it until Feb. 2008, but that's a REALLY long, annoying story that I think I might have on here somewhere already and I so don't want to talk about her).  So my dad was in a really bad mood and was yelling at her on the phone a few nights ago when she called after he got it.  I could hear him from downstairs.  I was upset that he was upset, but oh how much I loved to hear him yell at her.  I don't really know what I'm saying.  So much has been going on and I haven't been putting it on here to just get it out and make myself feel better.  But I should.  But it is a lot.  I think I'll do that tomorrow.  & that IS a promise.  I feel horrible right now, mentally and physically, so I'm going to call it a night after this little mini rant sesh of mine.  Thank you, Blogger, for you unconditional, uncanny ability to allow me to express whatever I'm feeling and not have to worry about judgement, discrepancies, or a violation of my privacy from anyone I don't want.  Yours truly...

& AMERICA'S FAVORITE DANCER IS...

JEANINE MASON

♥

and after a very long-awaited delay...

I AM BACK.  FUCK YES.  I got me my laptop, I got home from Costa Rica and the horrible airport and immigration/customs system less than an hour ago, but i AM NOT ready to blog about everything that's been going on since my last post when I didn't know when I'd be back on again (and no, it wasn't 2 weeks).  BUT I will be tomorrow after some rest from staying up all night TONIGHT setting up things on this handy-dandy 15" MACBOOK PRO of mine.

and just once more for emphasis...FUCK YES.

stomach aches

So I haven't posted in a while and it's not like when I have been, I've been posting very worth while things.  Just what I've been feeling I guess.  I get my school laptop taken tomorrow, so I'll be sans laptop for a bit until I get my own, but who knows when the fuck that will be.  I keep having constant discussions arguments with my dad on the subject and, frankly, it's getting a little beyond ridiculous right now, to tell the truth.  So I'm just waiting.  If he says it's depending on my grades, then I just have to wait a week.  It won't kill me.  But I can't wait to be bitter about it once I finally get it.  So until then, I won't be posting for a while, not like I post on a daily basis anyway.  Which, if I might add, was always something that I would try to do, but then nothing would happen to talk about or I'd forget or be too busy.  But I think the summer will do a world of good when it comes to that.  We'll see how it goes.  But, for now, I bid you a fond farewell.  I'll be back in less than 2 weeks.

♥

i can taste the difference

He still doesn't seem to be picking up the memos.  Do I have to waste my time and literally spell it out for him?  I guess i just have to.  Because that's probably the only way I'll get him to listen to anything if it's coming from me.  He should have other, more important priorities than what he's focusing on right now, and that's just damaging everything even more.

Achieved Status: my life is crap and i want to shove this all deep into the inner workings of my mind so it can collect dust in the corner from being so utterly forgotten.

a slap from reality

News Flash: No one is real and nobody cares.  That's what it ultimately comes down to.  I can't rely on anyone but myself; it's sad, but true.  People don't seem to give a crap when they don't even realize what is going on around them and how things affect the people closest to them.  They just let it pass by without saying anything.  Do you think that person cares?  Sure they do.  Or at least they wish you would.  But you don't.  So congrats to you for sinking that person lower and lower into obscurity and self pity, making them think that there is nothing they can ever do to make it right.  Do your fucking job.  Be there for them because I can definitely bet everything I have to say that they are in fucking desperate shape because you haven't been there to listen.

For now, I'm done.  Talk when you realize how much damage you've singlehandedly done.

yalpdloC

I used to rule the world.  Seas would rise when I gave the word.  Now, in the morning, I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own.  I used to roll the dice, feel the fear in my enemy's eyes.  Listen as the crowd would sing, "Now the old king is dead!  Long live the King!"  One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me.  I discovered that my castles stand on pillars of salt and pillars of sand.

I hear Jerusalem bells 'a ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing, "Be my mirror, my sword and shield."  My missionaries in a foreign field.  For some reason I can't explain, once you go, there was never, never an honest word.  That was when I ruled the world.

It was the wicked and wild wind, blew down the doors to let me in.  Shattered windows and the sound of drums; people couldn't believe what I'd become.  Revolutionaries wait for my head on a silver plate...just a puppet on a lonely string.  Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells 'a ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing, "Be my mirror, my sword and shield."  Missionaries in a foreign field.  For some reason I can't explain, once you go, there was never, never an honest word.  That was when I ruled the world.

It's true.  Nothing is the same anymore.

& by the way, I hate Mother's Day.

THE END.

too much to handle

I need that guidance sometimes.  I need to be told that everything is going to be okay when I know for sure that it won't.  I need the comfort.  I need you to ask me how I'm doing; why don't you notice when I'm upset or angry?  You just take it as disrespect because you never bother to ask how I'm really feeling inside.  You don't even care and that's why I never open up on my own.

It's never been easy.  Who ever said that this was going to be any different?  I know how I feel and I know what I think and you don't seem to give a shit.  It's not all about you.  I can't keep it together all the time.  I have my breaking points and my moments of severe vulnerability and I always have to know that someone's going to be there for me, but that has yet to happen.

So here's to you and all that you've put me through.  Thanks again for your ignorance.

"If you have ballet and hip hop under your belt, you can fake just about anything"

-Travis Wall

So You Think You Can Dance runner up Season 2 (2006)

I wonder what it would have been like if I knew certain things...

I wonder if my mom wished that she could have kissed me goodnight the night before she died.  Or if she regrets not helping me pick out dresses when I got invited to my friends' bat mitzvahs.  Or not being able to see me in the lead role of my 8th grade school musical.  Or wishing that she could have made me breakfast on my first day of high school.  I catch myself thinking what she would think if she could see me dance; wondering if she would be proud of me and happy that I've found something that I love to do.  I wonder every day and I still don't know the answer.  I would always assume that it would be a definite 'yes,' but I can never know for sure.  That's what always upsets me the most.  Thoughts have died...along with everything else.

into your hurricane

I don't feel like doing anything right now.  Everyone's working on the English project, but I'm so unwilling to do that.  I want to do a good job on it and I know what I'm doing with it, but I don't have the motivation right now.  It's a rainy Tuesday morning and I keep thinking that it's Wednesday for some reason.  I'm stressing for a huge chem test that I have 8th period and it's now 2nd.  If I don't do well on this test, my average will be shot for the marking period and possibly the rest of the year.  But no pressure or anything.

My dad and brothers were supposed to get me a MacBook Pro for my 16th birthday.  That was almost a month ago in 4 days.  Yeah right.  My dad put on this stupid stipulation that I have to do well in my grades [[get all A's and B's]] if I'm going to get something like that.  I think that's ridiculous.  Why should he be able to hold out on my 16th birthday present?  I've already turned 16 anyway despite anything school related.  Why should this be any different.  And it's not like I asked for anything else for my birthday as it is.  Everyone kept asking me what I wanted, and I had no definite answer for any of them.  The only thing I was sure about was that I wanted my own Apple laptop.  That's all.  I guess I can't even be cared about enough to get the one thing I wanted most.

Whatever though.  This is stupid.  It's been almost a month as I said and it's kind of becoming ridiculous.  I got a C in chem last marking period and now its the last one before summer.  I told my dad and he's just like, "well I guess we'll have to see how you do next marking period."  He's really going to hold out on this.  I can't believe it and it's making me think that I don't even want this anymore.  It's the one thing that I wanted and I guess it's never going to happen because unless I get above a B on this test I have 8th period, my grade's going to remain a C+.  This just tops everything in my life right now.  I can't deal with anything.

I'm tired about complaining about things that don't change though.  Its never going to change, so why waste the breath in bitching about it?  I don't even know why I waste my time sitting around, waiting for something that won't happen.  So what's the point?  I'm always feeling depressed and fragile and I put on a smile so people don't get worried.  But I'm just ripping apart inside and no one knows it.  No one realizes the agony I'm in every second of every day and I always wish the feeling would go away.  I never want the source of the feeling to go away because I fear that I may lose it forever if that were to happen, but just that feeling of emptiness; even if it were gone for just a day, that would be enough to relieve me of everything before going back to routine.

I don't know what to think of anything anymore nor do I really have the patience.  I find myself lacking more and more patience and self-discipline lately and it's really discouraging.  I don't want to do anything.  It's already started tainting the things that used to help me let it all out.  I sometimes find myself not wanting to do the things that I know I love doing.  It's very difficult to deal with, but I'll get it done somehow.

I always think that I'm complaining too much when I'm on here, but I guess that's what this blog is for, right?  It's for me to let out what I'm feeling; even if that means moaning about my problems and how I hate life.  No one can judge me here.

I am the author of my own happiness & demise.

dare i spy a hypocrite?

someone once said that they think it's the worst feeling to have a friend who's hurting on the inside when there's nothing that they can do for that friend.

♥

Why can't anyone see that that person is me?

color blind

I don't see anything anymore.  Everything has gotten blurry and I can't make out normal images; it doesn't matter if they're right in front of my face.  I don't notice what's going on and I just wait as it consumes what's left of me.  The End.

evermore it is lost from darkness come

I don't know what's going on.  The unbearable heat in my house isn't really helping my mind that much either.  I'm always bitching and moaning about how I have so many problems.  But I'm not going to go take the, "so many other people probably have worse off problems than I do," or anything like that though.  You don't think I know that already?  I really haven't written a serious blog in a while.  I think I'm pretty much way overdue.

I don't know if I'm in that state to just release everything that's been going on right now though.  I doubt I have the stability for it and it's just way too hot to stay focused on anything right now.  I'm getting really pissed off with life.  And no, that's not a suicidal sign, thank you very much.  There's just way too much going on.  But when isn't there crap going on in my life?  I've never had that one bracket of time where everything just goes as planned and how I wanted.  Something always has to go and get itself fucked up in someway or another.

I feel like everything going on is so much more serious than I give it credit for.  I try to talk to some of my friends about it; some of them get it, others don't really see where I'm coming from.  And that's okay, I guess.  I don't expect everyone I know to get me, nor am I prepared to divulge my whole mask of problems to them.  Nope.  Not a chance.  I don't tell everyone everything, and that's how I like it.  I'm not going to go up to someone I barely talk to and tell them everything there is to know about me and have them assess me.

As for another thing...I know who reads this blog.  I am fully aware because I gave them my personal consent, without which they wouldn't dare read this.  But I have something to say to you.  Whatever the matter may be, you're busy, you're short on time, anything of that sort, it doesn't mean you can just come on here and read what's going on with me and then know about it and not talk to me.  Yes, I do write this, and it comes from my thoughts and my own mind, so I guess it's sort of my direct connection, but it's not for you.  It's for me.  It keeps me sane and that's the only reason I have this.  As it says above, it's my journal; private to everyone I know, but you.  So don't take advantage of it in that sense.  I trusted you with it and allowed you to read it, so treat it with respect and talk to me every once in a while.

That's all for now, I guess.  I'm tired, so I'm gonna go get some rest.  Maybe things will be better this week.  Nothing will change.

requiem for a dream

I was just in the writing/venting mood, but now I'm completely and totally out of it.  I don't want to write anymore when about ten minutes ago, as I was doing some sort of pointless chore to get my house ready for Easter, I was itching to get on here.  UGHHH FML.  I have so many problems.  It's probably not a good thing at all.  My birthday was 2 days ago.  It was a good time.  But then shit happened which managed to cancel my birthday out all the way.  Goody.

I'll come back the second I feel anxiety.

April 9th at 12:00 A.M.

It's my birthday :D

I think I'm gonna post later today because I'm super tired.  But YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I'M 16.

ki'mdonebaiii!

*sigh* waiting...

There's 20 minutes until my birthday.  I'm waiting until I can write a good post.

*taps foot impatiently*  Figuratively of course.  I'm sitting down right now.

we don't have time for this

I don't know how I'm feeling right now.  I'm being very sullen and non-responsive, which is probably pissing my brother off and making my dad uncomfortable.  I have a killer stomach ache and didn't go to dance tonight even though I've been looking forward to going back for the last week since Seussical opened.  It's not because of my oddly painful stomach ache that I didn't go though, I just didn't feel up to it.  I'm under so much emotional stress and pressure right now.

The idea clicked in my head a few days ago that this marking period in school is over next week.  Which means that we'll be into the fourth marking period, meaning that this year is basically done.  So I'm basically almost a junior.  That means so much shit that I'm going to have to go through will college and SATs and HSPAs.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.  I don't feel like I'm ready; it feels like it's speeding down a hill, going way too fast to stop until it crashes into something.  That something would be my anticipation.

I was also planning my 16th birthday party on Tuesday night and at first it seemed like a good start.  I was looking for having it on the 19th at a restaurant.  But then my dad shot in and basically picked a restaurant for me because his friends own it and there's this wine tasting event going on so that would give him an opportunity to invite my friends' parents and have them come too.  I don't know, that's kind of when it got less fun for me.  We'd have a room downstairs for the bunch of us [[I was planning to invite 9 people, although I want way more than that to come, but I have to keep money in mind]], but I don't know, it just seemed boring.  I had in mind that we would have dinner there and then go back to my house, but he said that would just be it; the party at the restaurant and then everyone goes home.  I didn't like that.  Everyone would be so bored just reduced to one place with nothing to do.  They have a music system, but it only takes CDs and, being realistic here, who really has a lot of CDs in their possession anymore?  That's what I thought.

So right now, I'm trying to think of something else to do.  Oh and I added everything up to what it would end up coming out to money-wise...$1,106.  Yeah, no thanks.  I want something more simple.  Just me and some of my close friends doing something fun and easy.  I don't need all of this stress right now.

I still have to talk about the play.  That's a novel entry in itself and all the baggage that goes with it as of right now, so maybe in another post.

Not to sound dorky or anything [[what do I care though, really?]], but I seriously have a lot of blogging to do.  Maybe making a list of what I have to talk about will work better.

• Seussical/Disorientation
• Nicole [[one of my best friends]] & dick boyfriend
• overall stress
• I never talk to the people I want to anymore
• I'm just starting to find myself
• I'm realizing how hard life really is
• The possibility of the fact that I might be having an emotional/stress breakdown.
• Frequent meltdowns lately...is that supposed to happen?

I'm under way too much stress.  I can only deal with so much.  None of this is helping nor am I in the proper state right now to even begin to think about ways to cope with it.  And yet again...Fuck my life.

heaven forbid you end up alone & don't know why

There are a couple things.  I don't know what I feel right now.  Kind of a wave of rejection washing through me, mixed with disappointment and just a pinch of envy, able to be interchanged with jealousy.  I don't even know what's going on right now, but I definitely don't like it.  The girls who I used to consider my sisters, who I used to go to for basically everything, are moving slowly and steadily away from that image.  They're there for me a lot less often and whenever I try to talk to them, they never answer me.  Why?  I know I didn't do anything, that's always my first instinct.  I think everything is my fault.  But I haven't even talked to them enough this year to even have done anything, so it's obviously not that.

I feel like one of them is trying to move on.  Not from me really, but someone she loves very much is leaving to join the military in a few short days for four years.  That has to be a lot to take in and accept, but she's kind of already making a replacement; someone to spend her newly acquired time with.  The fact is that we used to be pretty close a while ago, and well right now, it kind of feels like we never used to talk in the first place; like neither of us ever got acquainted or had a conversation.  I feel awkward around her and I hate it a lot.  It's like all that time invested into getting to know each other and helping one another got taken from me and put onto someone else.  It's like I got replaced too.  I feel like I'm being totally irrational with this, which I probably am but whatever, but it's like I'm not the one she wants to spend her time with at all.  I've just been tossed aside and someone else has filled that spot that used to be mine.

Why?  Why is this happening?  Do I have to change myself or something?  Am I not interesting enough?  Is she bored with me?  Wow if that were the case, then I'd be heavily upset.  But as of right now, that's how I'm feeling about that.  I don't know what's going on at all, and yet again, she doesn't answer and of my messages.  I want to know if she's doing alright, but she won't give me the least bit of insight.  I'm just really confused.  I need to talk to her; really talk.

And with Bee...ugh I don't know either.  I was supposed to see her this week, but something happened, which she has yet to tell me about.  But now she's up seeing her boyfriend at his school, so I doubt she'd get back to me this weekend.  But at this moment, I feel closer to her than Christine, but that's only because we talk more; not on a regular basis, but every few days at least.  She promised to take me to a dance class in the city with her the next time she goes.  That should be fun, whenever that is.  But they've both promised me a lot of things.  One being that we'd hang out.  Yeah, that has yet to happen and it's been a year and 2 months practically.  Christine also promised me that when I turn 18, she'll take me to get my first tattoo.  I have no clue if she remembers that she made that promise, but I do.  It was right before the cruise when she told me and I won't forget it.  Something that would really disappoint me is if she wasn't around for that.  I'd want to do it with her.  That is if everything that's going on now changes.

You know, I don't even know if she realizes that any of this is happening.  She doesn't answer any of my messages to know how I'm feeling, so how could she?  But you'd think she'd have some kind of intuition or something...some kind of feeling that something's definitely not right.  Yeah, I guess not because she hasn't once asked me if I was okay.  And I'm not.  For many reasons. Does she even care?  I'm starting to wonder that.  How can you just get a message from someone, crying out for you and telling you that they need you and have to talk to you about things, and just ignore it?  I don't understand that at all.

And also stuff with Rachel.  I saw her today, but only barely.  I couldn't get a word in with every other person freaking out that she was there.  I probably didn't say 4 sentences to her the whole time.  I saw her in choir, but I was singing most of the time rather than talking.  And then she came to my lunch period and talked, but I kind of just listened as she told other people some stories that she had already told me before.  And then I saw her for like 20 minutes after school.  Saw, not talked to.  I watched as everyone else talked to her.  I'm not one to loiter around in a huddled group and not get a word in edgewise in.  Plus, I have my own things to talk to her about, and I'd rather not have an audience.

But it's ridiculous.  Everyone should grow up and not act like fucking five-year-olds who are locked in Disney World overnight when she comes.  They just orbit around her the entire time like she's a bright, shining planet and don't leave her alone.  It's really fucking annoying.  So I didn't really get to talk to her.  I was like a regular day if she hadn't come to visit because I practically said nothing just because I couldn't.  Then when she was leaving at 3:30 and I had to go into the auditorium for rehearsal, she gave me a hug and told me she loved me.  I just kind of stood there and didn't say anything, but then something just clicked in my head and I hugged her back and started to tear up a little, but I don't think she noticed that.  She noticed me tighten around her and rest my head on her chest, but I don't think she saw me crying.  Which is good, because then I wouldn't have been able to stop for a little.  I just miss her so much.  It's really hard not having her around all the time.

The other night when we were on the phone and I just started crying about some of the things we were talking about, but thats a different story, but still.  I just get really annoyed when I need to talk to her, but then there are all these other people in my way.  And I'm not a selfish person, so I won't shove my way through and steal her because I'm just so fucking courteous to everyone else even though I'm not really friends with them and don't give a shit about them.  I'll wait for time alone, but this time I didn't get it and that made me a little discouraged.

She's also not coming to my show in June.  She told me today over a fucking Facebook message, and just made it sound like no big deal.  Apparently she'll be out of the country.  What?!  I asked her where she'll be, but hey, yet another person who doesn't answer me when I message them.  She just said, "I can't come, I'll be out of the country then ): damnnn it"  Like really?  That's a big deal to me.  I'm actually really upset that she's not coming and then she just messaged me and made it sound like nothing at all.  "Oh, I won't be able to make it to the one highlight show of your year.  Sorrys!"  No.

Ugh there are just way too many problems and thoughts running through my mind at the moment.  And I'm really upset now.  Actually, I'm upset most of the time now.  Upset, depressed, empty, fragile; all of that, all the time now.  I don't know when I'm going to get over it.  Maybe never.  I'm thinking it's an age thing.  As I'm getting older and dealing with the things that happened to me at a young age, I'm starting to grasp and realize how much that impacts me now more than ever.  I need so many things, but none of them are within my reach.  And the people who used to help me cope with all of that are more distant than ever.

Fuck my life.

crack the shutters

AHHH FML.  Okay, sorry, I actually just yelled.  But anyways...this day has already gotten me so mad.  So i'm sitting in the new gym because for some reason we're not changing.  FINE WITH ME.  I walked to school this morning to basically find the entire student body walking back up the sidewalk on Piermont because someone apparently pulled the fire alarm.  But some people are also saying that there was a legit problem with something.  Fire trucks, police cars, and even an ambulance was called to the school and we were all outside on one of the side streets for like a half hour.  We're never out there for that long, so it must have been something, but whatevers!

okay, gym's almost over, but I'll come back and rant about my horrible day.

we are the absolute best.

Okay so I just got back from being at Isabel's house since like 7:00 last night.  It's now 1:31 in the morning and it was just another great night that I've had with her.  We talk.  A lot.  But about actual stuff going on.  It's great that I can have such amazing conversations with my friends.  It went from watching a movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno to be specific, to talking about how some of our friends are a little messed up with dealing with things [[we're realistic, what can I say?]], to how people are just total conformists, and then how music is just following that same path of whining lead vocalists, screaming into the microphones and scene kids piercing their septums and wearing ripped clothing that make them look like disgusting hobos.  Like, really?  Is that totally necessary for you to go about your life in?  I don't think so.

Some people we know have just become so fake and they're just corrupting the ones around them and you know, maybe before we know it, we'll have a minor scene population ready to explode from the outskirts of Bergen County.  Sound good?  Fantastic.

What's wrong with just being yourself?  You don't have to waste your time with keeping up fake pretenses; drop the stupid façade and be who you know you are.  Cut the crap because no one has time to deal with your dishonest bullshit.  If you're fake with so many people and don't seem to have a care in the world about it, then how could you possibly be trustworthy?  I have no fucking idea.  UGH I can't take people like them, so you know what?  If they don't give a shit about the friends they lose, then fine by me.  I'm not going to sit around and wait for them to see the dawn of day force their eyes wide open.  I have better things to do with my time.

Maybe I'll come back to this rant a little later.  It's late and I have to get up in a few hours, so I might as well get some sleep in between now and then.

one step forward, two steps back

Who do I talk to when everyone around me won't listen?  It's like I'm on the FM frequency and everyone else is attuned to AM.  No one hears me no matter how loud I scream, and no one understands what goes through my mind because I can never find the words to tell them exactly what it is.  No one can ever empathize with me and every problem I have is kept locked away inside for me to figure out how to deal with on my own.  Because I just know that no one would ever understand and they would take it the wrong way.  How are people supposed to help me, if I don't talk to them?  You might think that, but I think of it in the way that people don't always necessarily know what to do about every single problem, so why waste my time if I already know the answer?

No one I know can empathize with me or give me good advice because they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about.  And every time I seem to think that I'm getting close with someone, they stop the connection right in it's tracks and I get left abandoned, fending for myself.  That's how it's always been and I'm finished looking for someone who can prove me wrong and actually stick with it.  Everyone bails and I'm left with nothing and feeling nothing and always feeling empty inside because that's what I am.  Each time that I may feel that someone can be able to be trusted with so many things that I want to tell them, everything just starts into a downward spiral and blows up in my face.  People make promises that are never kept and go back on their word.  They lie to me and then flaunt it right in front of my face as if I'm too naive to know that it's right in front of me in order to realize what they've done.  I'm sick of being taken advantage of and not being taken seriously.  I'm sick of getting somewhere that I want to be, but then something happens that I didn't expect which thrusts me back to square 1.  I'm sick of being blown off time and time again and then when something, if anything, good comes around, I don't take it because I'm afraid.

It's fear.  It's all around me and it's what defines me.  I'm so quiet because I'm afraid that I'll scream if I open my mouth.

I don't feel content anywhere anymore.  I don't feel at the height of my youth.  I feel it slipping away and I feel every inch closing in and I'm becoming more and more claustrophobic.

I'm not happy and I'm not radiant.  I have such dark thoughts in me and silence always seems like the best alternative.

It's not something I enjoy publicizing.  In fact, I've always used to think that because of everything I've been through, I've emerged stronger.  I've just opened my eyes and found out that it's something else entirely.  It doesn't make me feel strong at all.  Instead, I feel horribly fragile, like one word could shatter me.

like a runaway

Is it worth my friends getting mad at me if I don't want to tell them my real problems?  I don't want to be the one who upsets people by thrusting my problems on other people even though they say they want to know what's wrong.  I don't think it's fair to them.  They don't know what they're getting themselves into.  And they have to care, wouldn't they?  I know they want to help, but they just can't.  No one can help and that's the worst thing about everything.  

I don't feel like talking.  I wonder what people would say or think if I just didn't say anything for a while.  Would anyone miss my voice?  Would anyone want to see my bubbly attitude come back?  How should I know unless I do it?  But I don't think I'd be able to do something like that.  I'm not the one to be a mental mute.  Whatever.  I feel uneasy a lot of the time.  My stomach churns for the tiniest reasons.  I don't get much of anything.

there's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words

I have a lot of problems.  It's kind of plain and simple to me as the days pass and go on and I watch from afar all of the things that I wish could be, but it's not that way in reality. I wouldn't say a lot of problems, actually, but obviously one big one.  And that one big problem branches itself out and radiates out into all these other little things that always go wrong.  I've wanted to do so much, but I just don't have the capacity to hold it all inside me.  I've always looked at myself as an optimist, but now I always see myself, or thing to myself rather, that I'm changing that way I look at things.  I'm not changing exactly, but just my views are taking a slightly different direction than I would have expected them to go in the first place.

I always wanted to be that person.  I wanted to be the one person that would always see the beauty in things.  In anything I looked at, I would always try and decipher what could possibly be nice about it, but now I'm finding that I just don't care.  I'm feeling way too depressed for an optimistic person, so how could I possibly still be considered one if I don't meet the criteria?  I've had ups and downs, but never anything that feels this serious.  I have this feeling that there's something wrong with me.  I feel like I'm unwillingly changing.  I don't want to and I don't want to make it of notice, but that doesn't slow the process any second shorter.  I don't even know what I'm changing into and that's what scares the fuck out me.  How can I cope with something I don't understand, or better yet, something I don't want to happen?

Well that's easy.  I deal.  Always have and always will.  I fucking deal and take whatever happens with hardly any questions.  Actually, I try not to question it.  I think that although questions are supposed to be the perfect way to gain knowledge, they show weakness.  But who am I kidding?  I'm the weakest person I see when I look at everyone around me.  I feel so vulnerable and that all my problems are written all over me for everyone to read as they pass me by.  I feel like with every glance or with every odd gesture, someone's making some kind of advance that I'm not aware of.

I've never understood all of the things I've seen, nor do I really want to sometimes.  I don't want to understand why my mom died right in front of my eyes and I don't want to understand why people forget about so many important things.  I don't want to know why there is such utter discord and disregard for innocent feelings of other people and I don't know how in the midst of this fucked up life that I've tried to bandage together, everything still manages to fall apart.  I'm not a fucking masonry for Christ's sake.  I'm just trying to do the best I can and apparently it's not working out too well.

For months I've thought that I just need to have a really good talk with someone.  Just vent about everything and rant and rave and get angry and cry and just let everything flow out of me while having someone else absorb it, trying their best to empathize with me.  But I have yet to find anyone who is willing to step up to the challenge.  But you know, never mind.  I've actually just realized for some while that that's not what I want anymore.  I don't want to talk about my feelings.  I always thought that it would make me feel better and this incredible weight would just get lifted up and off of my shoulders and I would feel a world of good surround and embrace me, but I don't think that anymore.  Not now.  I don't think anyone can help.  They can try, but it's not going to do anything.

I find myself just sitting around and my mind always goes to one specific thing.  I've been thinking about my mom so much lately.  I've been thinking about when she died and how everyone told me I was a little trooper for everything I'd been through.  I've been closing my eyes and seeing her right in front of me; the last memory I have of her right before she left.  I keep seeing her in that hospital bed and she's hooked up to all of these wires.  I didn't know what they did, I still don't know, but I assumed they would be helping her.  I guess they didn't do their job correctly.  But I remember everything perfectly with uncanny visual dynamics.  I remember seeing her bald head from all the chemo-therapy chemicals.  All the radiation shit they injected into her with some hope that she would get better.  Her hair was just starting to grow back too.

And her right arm was rendered totally immobile.  It filled up with fluid and turned purple, almost like there were bruises everywhere.  Nothing had happened, she didn't hit it or anything for there to be a reason for internal bleeding, but I guess her circulation was shutting down in that area.  She couldn't talk anymore.  That's what I missed when I was standing there next to her.  I stood on her left side because I didn't want to look at her now non-circulating right arm.  It was too scary for me.  To think that was something that scared me compared to the gravity of more important things going on simultaneously.  But her voice was always something that calmed me.  That and her touch.  It was so soft.  She could hardly even move her head side-to-side, let alone the rest of her body.  When I touched her, I couldn't feel her warmth.  Everything was gone.  She hadn't held on to anything.  She was leaving and she knew it.  She didn't hold on to any of that warmth she always had.  Why should she?  There wasn't any point.  So what was the point for me still hoping for anything?  None.  There wasn't any at all.

The worst part was to look into her eyes.  There was nothing left of them.  She had really pretty, clear blue eyes.  The irises were so vibrant against the ebony white and charcoal pupils.  There used to be so much freedom in them.  I would look into them when I was really little and just always know that everything would be okay.  I would find reassurance for everything and all I needed for that was to look into the trusting eyes of my mother, but the blue was dull and faded.  It didn't stand out against the once ebony white that had now turned to a blunt yellow.  All the light had left every inch and corner of her soul and it was the most unbearable feeling.  She knew there wasn't any more that could be done.  She knew she'd lost and couldn't stand any more of a chance at getting a step closer to the idea of winning at that point.  She was dying and it was her last moments.  What more could anyone else do but let her go?  The pain to let go was the most struggling idea I've ever had to deal with.  I'm still going through it emotionally.  Obviously it's out of my hands physically.  There was no stopping that, but emotionally...I can't.

That's the image that I'm haunted with every single time I close my eyes.  I can't peacefully drift into dreams of fantasy or desire or any of that.  There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance to look into her eyes again.  But the more I think about something like that ever happening, the more insane I think I am.  I want it, but I don't.  And the only reason I say that is as much of the idea of how wonderful it would be for something like that to ever worldly happen, saying goodbye for the second time would be so much harder that I would ever imagine.  It's like you can't have something that has such an enormous price on it for a lesser bargain, you know?  You have to give more than what you have in exchange for something that may not last as long, but it seems well worth it at the time.

I'm never going to ever say that I'm going to try to forget because the memories that I have are all that I am.  And I can't give up either because that's where I get my strength.  I can't have one without the other.  It's like the bargain thing again except it's working in the opposite way now.  I have to stick with the bad memories to have everything better, but I'd want everything better to hinder them.  But still I have nothing to give.  I'm an empty person with nothing to offer anyone.  Who wants that?  I don't understand any of it.

I used to love laying in the grass at night and watching all of the starts twinkle.  I would always want my mom to come outside with me and see it for herself, but she never did.  So I would always find myself falling into the grass alone and losing myself in the blackness of night.  I don't do that anymore.  My grass is dead too.  I haven't done it in years.  It's as if everything died along with everything I loved.  I would just lay out in my front yard on my hill.  I have this hill with a big, massive pine tree on top of it.  I would go out and lay right under the tree so I was laying on the slope.  It would feel like the perfect recliner for staring up at the stars.  But there seem to be less and less stars in the sky visible to my eyes.  I don't know if that's just me or horrible pollution erasing all the the natural beauty of the world, but regardless of the earthly problems, everything has its time.  Everything dies and sometimes, as I've notice so diligently, most of the best things about life seem to die simultaneously.  And then they're gone.

the dust has only just begun to fall

So now today has been transformed into a half-day.  We had a stupid fucking bomb scare this morning at like 10:30 and we went to the elementary school again.  Last year it was a gas leak.  So are we going to alternate every other year now?  I guess.  Because the year before last, there was another bomb scare.  Come go to school at Pascack Valley!  Hah yeah.

Anyways, it's now a half-day.  It's "seventh" period and that means we didn't have to change for gym.  Yessss.  So I'm sitting here and I'm so beyond bored and way too overtired to be pleasant.  I also haven't eaten anything all day too.  I'm so fucking hungry, but I don't have any money.  I have to get a job like PRONTO.  I need money, it's not even funny.  This economy situation is getting pretty bad now.  I don't like it.

I really wanna see Brandi.  We've been having a serious communication problem lately.  I text her, I wait for her response, I go to sleep, and then I wake up the next morning for school and look at my phone to see that she responded to my text while I was already asleep.  It's getting me so mad that I cannot find a decent time to talk to this girl.  We have all of next week off so I wanna fix that and see her.  It's her birthday next Friday on the 20th, but I doubt I'll be seeing her on her birthday.  She'll probably be with her boyfriend.  The one who I still haven't met, but I don't know.  She's come to me a few times about things to do because some stuff's happened between them.  And I keep telling her that I wouldn't know as much as she would because I have yet to be in that kind of relationship yet.  But I'm pretty good with situations and handling things, so I helped her and I think she's okay.  I miss her a lot.

I miss Christine too.  Oh my god, I felt like such an idiot.  The whole time I was trying to text her and talk to her because I just needed someone so bad, her phone's screen was broken.  Fucking broken.  And all that time, I thought she was ignoring me or not reading my messages or something.  I feel like such a douche for thinking that because of course she cares.  I can't even recount all the numerous times she's told me she loves me and has meant it every time.  So I have no clue why I thought that.  No, I do.  I over-think and blow things out of proportion WAY too much when the situation's so little.  I take everything out of hand.  I guess I can't grasp the idea of simplicity.  Alright, well I hope that I see her sometime soon too.  She said that with school being so busy, she doesn't have that much free time on her hands, but I hope she can find some.  I haven't hung out with her at all.  Never.  The only times I see her are at MDI related things.  So yeah.  I don't know.

Hmm, what else?  I talked to Marlene on the way back to the high school from the bomb scare safe-zone.  Well, I talked or at least I tried to.  She didn't really seem like she wanted to carry on much of a conversation.  She was sick, coughing and shit, but whatever.  I tried to ask if she wanted to do something over break and she was thinking out loud of the idea of getting a whole group.  I don't think she got the hint that I kind of just want to talk and hang out with her alone.  We have a lot to talk about and I would prefer if we didn't have an audience.

I also really want to reconnect with Shayna sometime soon too.  I miss her.  I miss so many people who I used to be so close with and now our actions between each other have been reduced to maybe 30-second conversations and waves and hello's in the hallways as we pass each other.  I don't like it at all.  I have so many people whom I used to be such good friends with and now they seem like strangers.  The same with Robin.  I've been seeing her all day today, like legit, everywhere I've been going and I've been thinking the same about her too.  I want to talk to her again, be friends like we used to be.  I know she's a senior and all, but that shouldn't matter.  I used to have really intense talks with her and now we seriously don't talk at all.  Just pass-by's in the hallways as always.

I want to fix so many things, but it's like there isn't enough time for everything now.  Everything's being jammed together and I can't even find the time to breathe.  I don't know what's going on and things are happening at light speed, whizzing past me before I have any time at all to regain my composure and just think about what just happened.  I'm losing myself and I need to gain my control back.  Desperately.  That's all for now.

because you're paper thin & it's visible

There's nothing to do so of course, I plug in my iPod and lose myself.  Everyone else around me is doing homework, but I can't do mine because I don't have the stupid password for the online textbook.  Go figure, I guess.  So whatever.  Sitting isn't so bad.  I'm just kind of soaking in everything that's going on around me.  Fucking obnoxious douchebags arguing about something totally having nothing to do with the real world right behind me.  I can hear them a little bit.  And that says a lot since I'm all but bursting my eardrums with my music.  I bet they have nothing good to do with their lives.  They're the kind of idiots who wear their jeans practically just above their crotches.  Why did that ever become a trend for anyone?  It's disgusting.  I, along with a lot of other people probably, don't want to see someone walking around with their boxers hanging out of the stretch line of their jeans all the time.  And why do it?  I will not believe for a second that it's not uncomfortable.

There's another table of guys diagonally behind me who sound just like the ones behind me.  They're all the same.  I haven't met a truly unique person in a while.  What happened to originality?  Does everyone have to be the same now?  Do they all have to wear their jeans at the same way-too-low level and talk in the same sonic frequencies?  I guess that's the way to be a peace-disturbing asshole these days.  Stand up and shout for no apparent reason to draw attention to yourself and then sit back down leaving everyone around you wondering why you just did that.  So it's all about them.  Even if no one gives a shit, it still is.  How exciting.

back on subject

Okay, so I'm still on the same topic I was on my previous post.  So now, there are like a million and one things bothering me.  Well not literally, but it definitely feels like it.  And it's so fucking annoying to go through and organize all of my problems from priority and what I want to fix first.  It all depends on the importance, I guess.  What I value most as opposed to what's actually realistic. It's ridiculous and yet it feels really prevalent.  It's something I just HAVE to do.  I'm the kind of person that if there's something wrong in my life, I can't just leave it be.  I can't just let it go on past me, still lingering in the back of my mind.  I won't be at full appreciation of myself until I fix it, as opposed to letting it go unsolved.  I can't just forgive and forget and then that's the end of it either.  I know it's stupid and in some instances, I know I'm probably wasting all of my time and energy agonizing over it, but it's what I feel to be right and I won't settle for less.  I've just been having all of these problems with different friends and then things that I want to tell specific people all the time, but I never do.  I don't understand it myself.  I want to tell people how distanced I feel from them, I want to see their faces, I want to get to know them better than I already do [[or if I don't anymore and try to fix it, which I'm presently doing]], I want to know that they care about me as a person and as one of their friends and don't deliberately blow me off all the time or ignore me when I try to talk to them.  Because all of this has happened.  And I don't get it.  I don't get how someone can ignore someone with whom they used to talk to all the time or spend so much of their time with.  I don't get how a human mind can just "forget" so fast.  Although, it's not memory, but they're just blocking things out.  I don't know why that would have a reasoning for happening, but it's always depending on the situation.  From what I recall, I haven't done anything to get anyone annoyed at me.  Or maybe I have.

I don't know.  I'm always really paranoid when it comes to that.  I talk to people and then when they don't respond, I try and try to contact them, but I always have that though in my mind that I'm being some kind of annoying person in their lives and they'd just want me to stop.  But usually that's not the case at all.  But that's what I always think.  I always come to that point in my mind where I over think too many things and overanalyze a fairly easy situation.  And I always think it's bigger than it really is.  Maybe I have some sort of deficiency.  Maybe I'm just messed up like that.  I don't know.  Whatever.  I'm going to try and figure this all out.  We have break in like 2 weeks.  So I can spend some of that time rekindling some things.  I guess I'll see how it goes and hope it's in the direction I want to go in.

come break me down

I've been feeling so weird lately.  There's a million little things going on all at once, each of them unraveling my world by a thin strand that somehow manages to stay intact by the root.  I don't know how all of this is happening.  I look at the people whom I used to be so close with and I see strangers.  It feels so unsettling.  I thought I used to know them, but I glance at them sometimes, and they're just totally different people.  I don't even know who they are anymore.  I'm trying to repair it, but it doesn't seem to be working at all.  No one on the other side is putting towards effort and it's fucking pissing me off.  If they don't seem to care about losing me as a friend, then why should I continue to put forth all this effort in the struggle to make a change?  A change that's so unwilling to revert back to its original standpoint.  I don't even know why I waste so much of my time thinking about it.  Maybe just in the spite of that one, now severely clouded, hope that I can do something to change this.  But you know what?  I heavily doubt it as of now.

I'm getting sidetracked, but I'm definitely not done on this topic...

& there's no one here...

So I'm sitting here at my lunch table.  It's just Ryan and I, all our other friends are either doing something with their teachers or sick today.  Which kind of sucks, but whatever.  I've been thinking lately...I've been listening to so many songs and with the musical coming up, I'll be dancing so much.  I really want to choreograph something of my own to dance.  I want to listen to a really great song, and then just dance it.  

Make something meaningful that I'll always remember when I hear that song or something.  Yeah, that's all I wanted to say.  I want to choreograph.  I wasn't doing anything in choir today, so I was just listening to my iPod, sitting there, coming up with different things and fooling around with steps in my head to see what would work.  It's something I think I could do and it could end up being really great.  But knowing me, I won't perform anything until I think it's perfect and ready for people to see.  So yeah.  I'll get on that when I have nothing to do.  Okay.  Yes. =D

i'll stand here so i can catch you if you faint

So today after school were the Seussical auditions.  And I was fucking nervous as hell.  I'd just learned my song last night with Mrs. Simet and I also couldn't stop the stomach-churning feeling despite my best efforts to do so.  I'd also never auditioned with these directors before, so I was also meeting them for the first time.  Which also scared me shitless because Mr. Lupfer is an intimidating-looking person.

So i spent an hour and a half after school practicing my song.  And then I went home to calm myself down [[my audition slot wasn't until 6:15]].  I got home and sang my song again about 10+ times until I got a little bored of it.  That's when I knew I should stop and I had it down and I was comfortable.  I was ready and there wasn't anything else I could do.  It was almost time, so I had to just go and face it and hope to do my best.

So I got to the school at around 5:45 and it turned out that the directors were running REALLY ahead of schedule because some people didn't show up.  So my friend tells me that I'm going in just 5 minutes, when I was really supposed to be waiting around for a half hour.  Yeah.  THAT'S when I started to get that stomach-churning feeling again.  But I went in and did my thing.  I was so nervous, it was almost obvious.  I introduced myself to the two directors [[they're husband and wife]] and told them what I would be singing, "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line.  I gave my sheet music to the pianist and told him to play at "an even tempo" and follow me for the first que.

Okay, so first off, the pianist wasn't my favorite.  He was going WAY too slow and not keeping up with me and taking pauses and stopping whenever I held out a note, so I got so confused.  And then I was too busy worrying about that, so I forgot about 2 or 3 seconds towards the end and just kind of ad-libbed until I remembered where I was at.  I was so embarrassed though!  I forgot the words and then I remembered what was going on and finished.  I can't really explain what happened, but I hope they took it for someone who was so nervous because they didn't me and I didn't know them and everyone is nervous to audition for things.

So yeah, I ended the song and was so pissed at the pianist, but then Mr. Lupfer spoke to me and asked me, of all things, to take my hair down.  I had it in a ponytail while auditioning and I really didn't think it would be a problem or anything.  If anything, I thought it would help; get my hair out of my face as opposed to being down, you know?  But I complied and took it down and they looked at me for a second or two.  Then it was Mrs. Lupfer who spoke, asking me about my dancing, referring to my audition form where I talked a little about my years of experience.  She wanted to know my strongest styles and which one I liked the best.  I told them both my honest answers.   I said I would put it between lyrical, modern, and tap and my strongest and as for my favorites, I said that for as many years that I've been dancing, it's not about the individual styles that I love, but the passion that comes out of doing something I enjoy so much.  They really seems to like my answers very much and said they would see me tomorrow at dance auditions.  And I'm kind of convinced that I'm going to kick ass at those seeing as most of the kids who try out for the dramas and musicals can sing, but they're hardly dance oriented.  Hahah I'm excited to show off.

So you know, overall, it was a pretty solid audition, I think.  I'm confident that they'll overlook that one mess-up at the end of my song and take into consideration my experience and all.  So I'm hoping that I get the part I had in mind, but I'd be grateful for anything, really.  I'm not even nervous for dance auditions tomorrow.  My friend, Maja, who's been in all the high school productions so far, says that with all my experience and the lack of every one else's, I'll just possibly be bored with everything.  Haha I hope it's really as easy as she says it's going to be.  But hey, I always love a challenge when it comes to dance.  We'll see.

i'll come to you in pieces

Alright, so I have a problem here.  Have you ever woken up one morning and the people who you used to be really close with aren't really that friendly with you anymore?  And no, I don't mean literally occurring overnight, but I mean as a gradual time period goes on, you see and notice a friendship diminishing for whatever reason.  It comes down to this: you don't talk, you hardly see each other, and you think that there's nothing that you can do about it.  So what is there to do if you think there isn't anything you can do about it?

There might not be anything you can do about it, but you know, you can give the old college try at least.  Well, not in this sense, but you know what I mean.  You can try and rekindle that friendship in the hopes that there's still something there.  And if not, well then, there's really not much to do about it.  Just to go and get on with your life, I guess.  I mean, that seems to be the more practical approach, if you ask me.  And if you really think about it, the person who won't accept you as a friend now, being that you've drifted apart over time, probably wasn't much of a real friend to you when you were friends to begin with, back in the days when you were friends and saw each other on a somewhat regular basis.

Think about it...if the person's not willing to be friends again after however long of a period of time that you two really weren't that close, then what made them such a good friend in the first place?  I don't know why someone would want someone like that in their lives.  But I'm getting sidetracked.  That's not what I wanted to talk about, but that thought just kind of crossed my mind.  What I did want to talk about what what was going on with me though.  It's basically that situation though.  Minus the "not being friends again" part because I haven't approached her about it just yet.  Though, I really do want to, I have to say, I'm kind of conscious of what she'll think.

Okay, so here's the gist.  So for the past year, I've been really good friends with this girl who I met the summer before going into high school together.  We would be going to school together in the fall and I hadn't met her before because she was from Rivervale.  So she's a pretty down-to-earth kind of girl.  And she likes what I like.  Dance, that is.  She's amazing at what she does.  Dance team technique, though.  I'm all studio, so there's some conflict there but whatever, I really could care less.  It's not like we bicker about better techniques or anything, that's stupid.  But anyways, we got to being really great friends over freshman year, but you know, this summer going into sophomore year, we kind of got to see each other less and less as the time went on.  No, not even at the start of the summer.  I could kind of tell that it was all happening a little before that even.

So as of right now, we don't talk at all, minus the ever-exchanged "hello's" whenever I see her in the hallway.  And not to make her sound like a bitch, but I'm lucky if I ever get a response...or a smile.  Which is weird, and I do kind of find it a little inconsiderate.  It's like I'm not even there and she just breezes past me in some kind of bubble zone that totally tunes me out.  And I do want to confront her, I really do.  Well, not like confront, like totally rage on her for whatever, but I want to talk to her to see if she feels the same way as I do.  Because we used to talk A LOT and about really touchy things and it always felt good talking to someone.  And I really miss it.  I miss everything.  Talking, hanging out, walking all the way from her house to Dairy Queen in Bi State Plaza [[my GOD that was the longest walk ever, it took like 2 1/2 hours!]].  It was all so fun and it's like whenever our eyes met, none of that happened at all.  It does make me sad.

So I'm sort of committed to rebuild this relationship with her.  She's a sweet girl and I keep hearing all of these things that happened to her at parties and how she broke up with her boyfriend [[who hooked up with someone RIGHT after they broke up the first time and she was trying to get over him so everyone basically hated him for doing that to her, but then she took him back.  which I think was a stupid move, but it's all done and over now]].  And I mean, I just really want to be there for her and help her out with whatever and just do something to make it feel like we're friends again.

Ahh I don't even know.  All of this is just so out of whack, I don't even know what to really even say about it.  I want to talk to her, so I think I will.  I mean, someone can't possibly not have a heart and just disband people like there's no tomorrow, right?  Right.  Yeah.  Okay.