hammers fall on all the pieces

So this week has been off to a pretty good start. I wasn't really too bummed about going back to school on Monday. I just want to get these last two months of school over with, really. I was more looking forward to what was supposed to happen after school, than during it. I've been talking to Jackie for a while now online and stuff, we hadn't really talked all that much in person, but she asked me if I wanted to come after school sometimes when I don't have to go to Metro right away to come and practice with her and just dance in the back gym. I was pretty psyched, not gonna lie. It was really nice of her to invite me to come and all and I'm really excited that we can spend time together, hanging out and dancing and what not and just become pretty good buddies. She's amazing obviously...her dancing is just incredible. It's dance team technique, so that makes it all the more awesome to watch her dance because it's something that I'm not trained in and don't know how to do, but she said she was going to teach me. I'm so excited, it's not even funny. So I'll probably be hanging out with her after school on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays until the end of the year hopefully. I have to say, all of these new friends I'm making are seniors and they're all so incredibly nice, so I'm positively certain that I will shed some tears this year at their graduation.

Now, I said that this week was going okay, so that doesn't mean that it's great. Parts are good and then some parts are just such crap, it's insane. I don't know what's going on with Christine this week. I've tried to talk to her online whenever she's on and she just never responds or ignores me and I don't know what her deal is. I mean, did I do something? Because if I did, I'm sorry, but I at least want to talk to her about why she feels this way if it was in fact something I did or said that's causing her to act like this. I really and truly have no idea what the hell is going on and it's driving me insane. I can't take this bullshit if she won't talk to me whenever I try to make the effort to talk to her. I really don't get it and if it was something I did, I'd say that I'm really sorry, but I can't say that unless I now for a fact that that's what the problem is. She won't talk to me so obviously, I can't get any idea of what's going on. She won't answer my texts or any of that, and I don't want to come across as annoying because I know for a fact that she loves me like a little sister and no one can fake that kind of love. I don't want to leave this until tomorrow because I'm seeing her in class then and I don't want anything to be sufficiently awkward between us...especially considering the fact that in our lyrical dance, she lifts me so we kind of have to have some contact; whether she wants it or not. And I really don't want this to being going on so close to her birthday. It's on Saturday and I don't want her feeling like this then, not now. I know that she'll be out with Paul, Pete, and Michelle, most likely and her mind will be off this, but that doesn't mean it's resolved...maybe only for the time being. But I want her to have a good time on her 18th birthday. It's supposed to be a big deal and I know she considers it that too. I don't want this being on her mind when she's supposed to be enjoying herself.

But I don't want this to be happening. She's my older sister and not talking to her is probably the worst form of torment for me. I hate it; she's always the one I talk to about mainly everything, unless that's the reason why she's mad...from what I said in my other post. My thoughts are that she read it and got completely insulted and hasn't been speaking to me and ignoring me for that reason solely. I really don't know why she would be acting like that if she read it though. I would think that she wouldn't want me to feel like that and would want to talk to me. I'm so confused as to why all of this is happening now. Maybe I'm overreacting though. Maybe this is all a huge misunderstanding. Wow, if that's the case, I will feel like a complete dumb ass, not gonna lie. I would've freaked for nothing and gotten myself all worked up for nothing out of the ordinary. I would've stressed myself to an extent, cried so many tears, felt bad about my words...all mixed up in some stupid thing that I misinterpreted. I really don't know how to react right now. I guess I won't know until I talk to her...whenever that is. I need her so bad, why doesn't she know that?

my faded tee and ripped blue jeans

Ok, this is crazy insane. I'm thinking about this so much and I can't even bring myself to talk about it with the people it's about. I don't even know why, but I just can't. It's such a touchy subject and me being me, I'm always so afraid that people will take my words the wrong way, twisting what they're meant to mean. I don't really even know why I haven't brought myself to ask them about this, let alone even discuss it with them. They mean so much to me and yet I can't even talk about "everything" with them until I talk with them about this. It's the only thing that has been bothering me for weeks, staying in the back of my mind whenever I see them or talk to them on a regular basis. They mean the world to me and then some...we should be able to talk about anything on our minds and yet we don't. I don't understand it.

They're leaving next year anyway so that just makes everything worse. It will feel like I'm not going to get to see them at all once they're gone and they're not there every week, lighting up the place with their amazingness. I'm going to miss it so much and then I may never even get the chance to talk to them about it. I want to before they leave, that's my goal for sure. I can't let this keep me up at night, not knowing how they would react to it if I really came out and told them how mad I get at them sometimes...and they don't even know it. They drink...they're not even legal yet...they come to rehearsal in pain or have hickeys on their necks. I mean, what am I suppose to take in from that? What is that suppose to say to me? How am I supposed to react to that? "Oh hey, you're a whore." No. I would never say that, but how could they do that? I would think that they know that I look up to them so much. They're my older sisters, of course I'm supposed to want to be like them. But I don't want to be that. Sure, I idolized them when I was 11 and thought nothing of it, but was that because I didn't know what I know now? My perspective on them has changed so much within the past few months and I can't do anything to stop it. That scares me. I don't want to think of them like that. I love them so much and they're my everything. But how do they think it makes me feel when I see them like that? Have they even thought about how it effects me? My respect for them lessens and lessens with every single thing that I hear. "Oh, I was drunk that night too...I didn't even bother concealing that hickey from this afternoon...that was my first night driving drunk."

That hurts so bad. It like pierces a hole through my thoughts of them and what I used to know. They're not the same girls when I was 11 and they were 14. Nothing is the same anymore. I wonder if they even realize how high I hold them...I fear for their safety when I hear about things like that. It scares the fucking shit out of me. The vodka, cigarettes, all this crap. And I want to talk to them about it, I really do. Sometimes I even start to and then it just goes downhill from there and I stop myself. I was actually really starting to have a conversation about this with one of them just the other night online and she was just laughing at everything when it was clear that I was trying to be serious. I didn't know what was going on and something told me that I was getting this strange, horrific idea that she was drunk. I don't know that for sure, but that's how it seemed...she didn't take anything seriously and it was getting frustrating, so I just stopped. I look back at old DVDs and pictures and just remember how I used to think how great it would be once I got to the level I'm at now, so I could do everything they were doing. I wanted to be like them more than anything in the world back then. I don't know what I want now.

I adopted them as my permanent role models when my mom passed to fill that void of feminine compassion that I missed so much. They were so great through that whole ordeal, giving their unconditional love and support for me when I needed it...but I wonder...if they keep doing all of this stuff, how long could that last? Oh wow, I can't even think about that. I even hate to be writing about this because it sounds like they're such bad people. But they've done so much good for me. I would be no where in life it they hadn't helped me along when I needed it most 4 years ago. I come to them for everything, even before I talk to my two best friends because that's just how family is. I don't even know how I'll deal without them for the next four years. It will be potential agony, but I will make every effort to see them whenever I can. It will be a lot easier once I get my license, that's for sure.

I just want one of them to come and pick me up in their car and drive around aimlessly. Recital videos are tempting to watch right now...

park that car. drop that phone. sleep on the floor. dream about me.

my eyes rain like autumn

Ok so I'm new to this here, but I felt like writing to get all this crap that's been bottled up in me finally out so I don't have to carry it anymore. So there's been a lot going on lately and I really don't have the patience to deal with it at the time, I guess. It's just too much drama to be sucked into at one time and I feel as if I can't get myself free of it. You know how you can have the same dream for repeated, endless nights and it never changes? It's always the same thing to be expecting every second and you can't help it. Yeah, that's basically where I'm stuck. I can't fight it and I can't change it so all I can basically do about it is just let it go and see what unrolls from it. I don't even know how I get sucked into this unnecessary shit that happens all the time anyway. I don't wanna be in it so why do I even bother once it happens? I guess it's just my nature to help once it becomes my problem, as it is everyone else's who gets involved. But I mean, who really has the time to deal with it all?

I just hate when things happen like this because then multiple people's lives just get the more screwed up. It doesn't even make sense for it to even start in the first place. "Ohh, I think I'd like to have a horrible day today...LET'S START SHIT!" Yeah, no. I'm tired with everyone else's problems fucking with my life and I don't like wasting my time sorting it all out because people drag me into it. I'm sick of people like that. They should find something else to do other than sucking the people around them into their boring, unexciting lives. They should just get over themselves and realize that no one wants to be involved in their shit. Fake, lying, dishonest people should stop coming into my fucking life because I don't have room for them.