Like, a lot a lot. I don't know why I've gotten no lazy about posting. It always makes me feel better when I can get my thoughts out clearly and not feel like I'm exploding inside with all of this information. So That last thing I left off on was the whole Ryan Saga. I actually just told this to my friend, Christine, last night when we were hanging out (which was so much fun, I love that girl so much). She seemed to like it and was proud of me for everything I had decided and done and then she proceeded to commend me for slapping this girl that I hate a while back, saying, "OH GOD, YOU CAN'T TURN OUT LIKE ME. I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN." She knows she has nothing to worry about because it's me, but the both of us also know that it was gravely necessary and this bitch needed a slap across the face for things she had said. But that's old news, and this new news is good news (redundant much). So I'll pick back up from that last post now.
"So Back in December, Ryan and I started talking and over the course of a few months, we got really close really quickly." We texted all the time when we didn't see each other in class. We're both really involved in the music department at school, so this year he was finally able to take Chamber Choir (he was a sophomore this year and Chamber isn't offered for Freshman), so we had a class together this past year during 8th period. We had really been getting to know each other, but really only over texting because we didn't have that much class time to really talk about anything other than the songs that were in our repertoire. So for the beginning of our friendship, we were all technologically based for the time being. We eventually started talking a lot more in person, but that was after winter break had ended and we were back in school. Fast Forward to the beginning of the month of March and by this time, we're really talking and opening up, helping each other out with one another's problems and talking about everything. My feelings really started to change here and I had never felt anything like this for anybody. I had never been in a relationship before, experienced any of this sort of stuff, really, so this was all new and foreign to me so I had no idea what the fuck to do. I had been talking to my friend, Alyssa, about all of this in the meantime and she was giving me some good advice because she'd been n this type of situation a couple of times with her boyfriend, Brandon (who's just the best guy, he's hilarious and they're so great together, but anyway).
I was still talking to Ryan throughout all of this, obviously, but now that things had changed for me, it was difficult talking to him, keeping up our every-day conversation, while simultaneously liking him. Both Alyssa and I figured that I should just tell him rather than keep feeling like this (again, going back to my nature to explode inside with all of this information because I don't have a medium to express it), but although I like living in a world of optimism, I'm also hypocritical of myself, second guessing my decisions and going through the scenario that I told him, would he say no and our friendship would crumble? So this was me for about 3 weeks, going back and forth in my head, weighing the pro's and con's of telling him and not telling him or waiting it out. We were talking late one night and I just decided to fuck it and go for it. What could be the worst that happens? I thought to myself.
We were having a really nice conversation and I sent him a message back about whatever it was. I had decided that when he sent me another message, I would send one back and that would be the one where I finally told him. I waited anxiously for my phone to vibrate and it felt like 10 fucking minutes because I was so excited and sickly nervous at the same time, even though it only took him a minute to respond. But everything sank inside me when he responded, asking me if he could get my opinion and thoughts about this girl that he knew/wanted to become better friends with/all this shit that caused me to think back to all of the con's of telling him and proceed to metaphorically punch myself in the gut. Of course, me being fucking me, I was like Yeah, sure, what is it? Tell me...but hating myself that I still cared more about him and his thoughts rather than tell him off, making him notice what was right in front of him.
He then goes to tell me that this girls is a freshman at Hills named Juliet (how more fucking anti-climactic can you possibly get?), whom he met while he was working at Woodside Music Studio. She was in there, taking some lessons and he had only talked to her a couple times (and that specifically means 2. They only briefly talked twice) and didn't have her number so they could text or anything. So already, I was like FUNNY, I RECALL THAT YOU'VE BEEN TEXTING THIS GIRL FOR OVER FOUR MONTHS AND TALKING ALL THE TIME AND YOU SEEM TO NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HER, BUT YOU WANT TO KNOW THIS OTHER GIRL MORE. So, I'm sure you can tell that I was a bit annoyed at the whole situation. However, like a good friend, I listened and helped him, seriously wanting to alter my answer to better the chance for myself, but not doing so.
I told Alyssa about what happened the next day and she was so annoyed that Ryan could be so dumb. I half agreed with her, not wanting to call him dumb, but obviously still upset at the fact that he couldn't clearly see what was right in front of him, you know? I went another couple of days, still the two of us talking like nothing had changed, me subtly hinting to him that there was this guy who had been on my mind, but things had gotten complicated because of this other girl whom I knew he had eyes for. Though, one night, I had just had it and I just came out and told him. It took him a little while to respond, probably because he was caught off guard, but when he eventually did, he had gently and respectfully admitted that he didn't feel the same. Truthfully, that's what I was expecting given what he had told me about this other girl just a few days prior. I took it as best I could and that was that for the time being. He had been so extremely great about it, though, which I loved. And then I hated myself more because I still fucking liked him even though he shot me down because he wasn't a douche bag about it. And everyone knows me...I wouldn't like someone like that, so that just goes to show and tell you that this is a really great, genuine guy...who didn't like me like that. *Fucking exasperated sigh in the black hole form of my life* <-- Way too melodramatic, but you get the idea. Nobody likes rejection and that's probably the only accepted time to be melodramatic, and since I'm not like that either, I'll take it now.
So after that chaos, things were just a little bit awkward when I saw him in class the next day and I kept my distance. I'm sure he clued in because he didn't come over to talk to me like he usually did. Which was fine with me, he was giving me my space and some time, which I had wanted anyway. I knew I still felt the same for him, but then I also had the confirmed realization that he didn't share that feeling, so I just had to deal. But I still wanted that time in which I dealt to be by myself. We talked a little less, but this was really only for about like a week or two. Then we were pretty much back to routine, with me still feeling the exact same in the back of my mind, but killing myself to try to hard not to let that get upfront and in the way. If anything, I still wanted to stay really great friends with Ryan. He's a great guy, so I wanted at least that much if nothing could go any further.
Things were going as best they could and then the end of April came. The choir was going on a four-day-long overnight trip to Boston for a competition and we would all be together. Basically the entire trip, Ryan was sending me all these mixed signals and shit and I was getting so confused outta mah fuckin' mind. I didn't know what to think and how to react, so I just played it off nonchalant and went about my business. I mean, of course I was still trying my game at it and everything, but I wasn't expecting him to do a complete 180 and reciprocate. I wasn't even sure if he was aware that he was doing it, and if that was the case, I'd be so angry that he was hurting me for no reason. I went with it, reluctantly, still not sure what exactly he was doing. It's not very common/normal to be hella flirting with the girl that you just said you wanted to be friends with about a month ago...but whatever, I guess.
There was a gala dinner and party the last day that we were there and after all the schools had competed. Ryan's no a very social person (he doesn't like groups, and prefers hanging out with people one-on-one and such), so parties aren't really his thing. I love them and I have a good time. I was trying really hard to get him to enjoy it, but he kept saying that he only felt awkward and uncomfortable so I gave up for the time being. I wasn't having too much fun either, though, because of the act that this entire trip, he was fuckin' up my mind like crazy. So eventually, I just went over to him and asked if he wanted to go back upstairs. NOW, I know what that sounds like, and of course I had my ulterior motives, but straight up, nothing happened while we were alone. We just went back up to his room and talked and hung out. Although, the entire time, he was still holding my hand and laying down next to me talking, while running his fingers up and down my arm and things like that. We're friends, can't you tell? I was kind of just like Fuck It the whole time and tried to enjoy myself. Some other people joined in the room after a while and we were having fun, playing Apples to Apples, and just hanging out, having a good time.
Now on a school-sponsored trip such as this one, there are no co-ed rooms allowed, so my roommates were girls and vice versa for the guys. However, I glanced at the clock that night to see that it was 3 a.m. already and was like OH I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS THIS LATE. WOW. So I was debating whether or not to go back to my room because I'm a ~*rule breaker*~ and Ryan was just like NO, STAY. PLEASE. So obviously I did *rolls eyes*. And fucking...like we slept in the same bed together and he has trouble falling asleep, so he was like nuzzling into my neck and just shit like that. Meanwhile, I was like I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. I didn't know what was going on, but I went with it, of course *another eye roll*. So that was that and yet again, it left me feeling dazed and confused since he had just denied me a month ago and was now messing with my mind, doing this shit. I was also annoyed, too, at the fact of slightly considering the fact of him possibly hurting me if he still meant nothing by all of his actions during this trip. However, putting that aside, I was in a pretty good mood. The next morning when we left, I fell asleep on him during the bus ride home (we were sitting next to each other, surprise, surprise). His mom gave me a ride home after we got back and then that was that. I would see him in choir the next day, but I still felt so confused. We needed to talk...badly.
That next week of school passed by so slowly, I didn't know what to do with myself. Then the weekend came, finally, and we hung out the entire day. I got to his house around 3 p.m., but I didn't leave until twelve hours later hahaha. Yes, that's right, I left his house at 3 o'clock in the morning, to his dad's disoriented delight (he took me home and wasn't very pleased, but him and I are fine now haha). Now, going back between the time when I got to his house and when I left...I got there and we went on a long walk. Now when I say long walk, I mean, we went everywhere. First, he bought me dinner. My friend, Ryan, bought his friend, Ginny, dinner. Nice. ANYWAY, we were talking a lot about random facts about each other: our favorite movies, music, miscellaneous things. I told him about my mom and my past. I didn't feel like that was something to ever tell him over a text message whenever we talked at night, so that's why I was just telling him now, in May. He took that well...was a little stunned, but that was to be expected, and he was really impressed about how it would never show by knowing me the way he had. I was happy he said that. Once we had stayed long enough in the restaurant, we went walking all over the place. We went to a few parks, all around Park Ridge and Montvale, until we walked through this one path around Mill Pond in Montvale. It was getting really dark and I decided to stop and sit down on a bench there. We had to talk about everything at some point, and then I had no idea of what would happen (or that I would end up staying with him until 3 a.m., so I had no idea how much time I had at that moment).
I told him everything I had experienced from my standpoint and made specific things especially clear. I brought up Boston the most, mainly because that's when he was really messing with my emotions. I then proceed to ask him if anything has changed since I last brought up the idea of having feelings for him. It took him a really long time to answer. I swear, it seemed like the longest string of silence in my life. He started, then stopped again a couple of times, and by then, I was just like, "Look, just say something. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, okay?" Then he explained everything from his point of view, ending with the trip to Boston and all the time we spent together. He said that he's really glad we got all of that time to just talk and get to know each other a lot better and then he ended with saying that the trip had changed everything between us. So as soon as he said that, I was doing flips of joy in my head. Then he actually said the words, said that he had developed feelings for me and I died. After all of this...finally. I was so overwhelmed with happiness, I didn't even know what to do. I'm sure I embarrassed myself and did some kind of happy-dance to myself that he caught two seconds of, but what do I care? We had talked about everything and things had finally looked up and gone my way for once in my life.
It was getting late to be outside, in town, so we started making our way back to his house. Everything felt so right. We were a lot more comfortable with each other and all of the awkward tension and build up of the afternoon had completely evaporated. Before, it was utterly palpable and I hated it; I'm sure he did as well. I was so relieved that all of those uncomfortable feelings were gone, and he started to hold my hand with meaning and put his arm around my shoulders as we walked and still had our normal conversations. Everything had changed, but still, nothing had, if that makes sense. It does to me. It's a good thing, too. The rest of the night was hanging out in his room, playing around on the internet, watching youtube videos and talking until we got lazy and collapsed on our backs on his bed, next to each other. We just laid there, silently, processing everything for ourselves, and every now and again, saying how happy the both of us were to each other. I feel like I'm writing some kind of cliché love story, but that's honestly what it felt like! He was holding me in his arms and it was just the best feeling that I had had in a long time.
So now getting back to the end of that night: we had been the definition of losing track of time, because I looked at his clock and it was 2:52 in the morning. I FREAKED out, thinking that his dad would hate me because I obviously had to go home...there was no way I was staying over. Ryan woke his dad up and he had said that he thought I had went home hours ago. I felt TERRIBLE that he had to wake up enough to drive me home at this hour of the morning and I was beating myself up about it the entire time and then some afterwards. What a great first impression, I thought. Ryan assured me that it was fine and he talked to his dad on the way home. He said he wasn't pleased that I had stayed that long, but he understood and wasn't mad about it. That made me feel a little better, but I still felt so bad that it had to happen like that. I did not, however, feel bad about anything else that ad happened that day. It was wonderful. Every part of it.
We hung out again the next Saturday and went on another walk somewhere else. It was a little more scenic, through the streets, rather than the town. Even though everything between us had been resolved and implied last week, Ryan and I sat down atop a hill on this one street. The sky looked really beautiful and he said he likes coming here to longboard or just sit and look around. He told me that last week, he had forgotten to ask me something "kind of important." I kind of had an idea of what he was referring to, but I wanted him to ask himself. He then officially asked me out and to be his girlfriend. Again, I feel like I'm writing something that's in the middle of a chick flick or something, but seriously, this was my life. Of course I said yes, and here we are today, almost three months later and I'm really happy! We went to my Junior Prom later that month and remember what I said earlier about him not liking parties or social gatherings? Well, I got him to dance almost the entire night with me and he said he had a great time! He also said that he "did it for me" because he "wanted me to have a great time." I thought that was the sweetest thing and couldn't thank him enough for it!
I went to my friend's house up in Connecticut for an after Prom party the next morning, and unfortunately, Ryan couldn't go because he had his sister's college graduation. Although, it turns out he could have gone anyway because of the schedule that his family left on and I was bummed, but we couldn't changed that. I ended up having a really horrible time, though, just because my friend had invited me and a couple other people up to her house, and she paid all of her attention to her boyfriend and no one else. Now don't get me wrong, I love her boyfriend and he's a good friend of mine, but I just thought it was rude of her to invite all these people up to her house, and then not pay them any mind while they're there. So I was texting Ryan the entire time and he knew I was in a bad mood while I was up there and he was being really sweet about it, sending me all of these messages that made me literally feel like I was going to melt because they were so perfect. He also hates talking to people on the phone, but he called me twice while I was up there to make sure I was alright. Why am I so lucky to have him? That was obviously sweet, too.
So that's pretty much it! And everything since then and up until now has been really great! We haven't gotten that much of a chance to spend a lot of time together because we're both really busy, but we're seeing each other on Sunday and I'm really excited. I haven't seen him for a week, now.
Now, as I said earlier, I've never been in a relationship, so he is my first boyfriend, he was my first kiss, pretty much everything in that category. So this is all new to me, really. He's had three relationships prior to me (one I wouldn't even count because it was in 7th grade and nothing is serious in 7th grade), but his first serious one lasted 8 months with a girl who I now know and she's over him and they don't really talk much. His last before me, which lasted for 5 month, is another story and I don't know how I feel about her. Well, I know how I feel about her...I don't like her, and I personally (not being cocky) feel like I am a lot better than she is and I take pride in that fact. That may be an asshole comment, but whatever, I'm fine with that hahah. They're still really close friends, but the thing that I have a problem with is that only days before Ryan and I started going out, she called him, telling him that she was still in love with him. Meanwhile, she hooks up with random people every other day and then she goes back and forth with herself, trying to convince people that she's bisexual or some shit. I don't even know, and I wouldn't normally care except that now that I'm dating Ryan, she makes me uncomfortable. He told me himself that he told her he didn't want any kind of relationship like they had in the past. He just wants to stay friends and he has no feelings for her like he does for me. I completely believe and trust him, but it's definitely her that I do not trust. I can't do anything about it, and I don't want to be that girl and tell her boyfriend that he can't be friends with some other girl, especially his ex, but I can't help what I feel. I'm not threatened by her by any means, though. I know I'm a lot better than her on so many levels, and I have a feeling that Ryan knows that as well. So that makes me confident in a lot more things with the two of us.
I've actually really wanted to have this conversation with him for a while, but I don't know how to bring it up nor do I know how he would react to it. I'm sure we'll get there eventually, but for now, I just want everything to move smoothly, which it has. I'm happy and he's happy, and we're happy together and with each other. That's all that I could ask for and right now, that's all that I need. I haven't been happy like this in a long time and everything about this new experience feels like a breath of fresh air to me. He makes me have butterflies in my stomach and I can't help but smile constantly when he's just around me. We can be ourselves around each other, joke and do stupid shit, and then we can be all cuddly and cutesie together all we want. It's what I've always thought about before he came along and now I'm so overjoyed to be able to live that kind of reality.
...and I mean, he's cute as a button, too ♥
