heaven forbid you end up alone & don't know why

There are a couple things.  I don't know what I feel right now.  Kind of a wave of rejection washing through me, mixed with disappointment and just a pinch of envy, able to be interchanged with jealousy.  I don't even know what's going on right now, but I definitely don't like it.  The girls who I used to consider my sisters, who I used to go to for basically everything, are moving slowly and steadily away from that image.  They're there for me a lot less often and whenever I try to talk to them, they never answer me.  Why?  I know I didn't do anything, that's always my first instinct.  I think everything is my fault.  But I haven't even talked to them enough this year to even have done anything, so it's obviously not that.

I feel like one of them is trying to move on.  Not from me really, but someone she loves very much is leaving to join the military in a few short days for four years.  That has to be a lot to take in and accept, but she's kind of already making a replacement; someone to spend her newly acquired time with.  The fact is that we used to be pretty close a while ago, and well right now, it kind of feels like we never used to talk in the first place; like neither of us ever got acquainted or had a conversation.  I feel awkward around her and I hate it a lot.  It's like all that time invested into getting to know each other and helping one another got taken from me and put onto someone else.  It's like I got replaced too.  I feel like I'm being totally irrational with this, which I probably am but whatever, but it's like I'm not the one she wants to spend her time with at all.  I've just been tossed aside and someone else has filled that spot that used to be mine.

Why?  Why is this happening?  Do I have to change myself or something?  Am I not interesting enough?  Is she bored with me?  Wow if that were the case, then I'd be heavily upset.  But as of right now, that's how I'm feeling about that.  I don't know what's going on at all, and yet again, she doesn't answer and of my messages.  I want to know if she's doing alright, but she won't give me the least bit of insight.  I'm just really confused.  I need to talk to her; really talk.

And with Bee...ugh I don't know either.  I was supposed to see her this week, but something happened, which she has yet to tell me about.  But now she's up seeing her boyfriend at his school, so I doubt she'd get back to me this weekend.  But at this moment, I feel closer to her than Christine, but that's only because we talk more; not on a regular basis, but every few days at least.  She promised to take me to a dance class in the city with her the next time she goes.  That should be fun, whenever that is.  But they've both promised me a lot of things.  One being that we'd hang out.  Yeah, that has yet to happen and it's been a year and 2 months practically.  Christine also promised me that when I turn 18, she'll take me to get my first tattoo.  I have no clue if she remembers that she made that promise, but I do.  It was right before the cruise when she told me and I won't forget it.  Something that would really disappoint me is if she wasn't around for that.  I'd want to do it with her.  That is if everything that's going on now changes.

You know, I don't even know if she realizes that any of this is happening.  She doesn't answer any of my messages to know how I'm feeling, so how could she?  But you'd think she'd have some kind of intuition or something...some kind of feeling that something's definitely not right.  Yeah, I guess not because she hasn't once asked me if I was okay.  And I'm not.  For many reasons. Does she even care?  I'm starting to wonder that.  How can you just get a message from someone, crying out for you and telling you that they need you and have to talk to you about things, and just ignore it?  I don't understand that at all.

And also stuff with Rachel.  I saw her today, but only barely.  I couldn't get a word in with every other person freaking out that she was there.  I probably didn't say 4 sentences to her the whole time.  I saw her in choir, but I was singing most of the time rather than talking.  And then she came to my lunch period and talked, but I kind of just listened as she told other people some stories that she had already told me before.  And then I saw her for like 20 minutes after school.  Saw, not talked to.  I watched as everyone else talked to her.  I'm not one to loiter around in a huddled group and not get a word in edgewise in.  Plus, I have my own things to talk to her about, and I'd rather not have an audience.

But it's ridiculous.  Everyone should grow up and not act like fucking five-year-olds who are locked in Disney World overnight when she comes.  They just orbit around her the entire time like she's a bright, shining planet and don't leave her alone.  It's really fucking annoying.  So I didn't really get to talk to her.  I was like a regular day if she hadn't come to visit because I practically said nothing just because I couldn't.  Then when she was leaving at 3:30 and I had to go into the auditorium for rehearsal, she gave me a hug and told me she loved me.  I just kind of stood there and didn't say anything, but then something just clicked in my head and I hugged her back and started to tear up a little, but I don't think she noticed that.  She noticed me tighten around her and rest my head on her chest, but I don't think she saw me crying.  Which is good, because then I wouldn't have been able to stop for a little.  I just miss her so much.  It's really hard not having her around all the time.

The other night when we were on the phone and I just started crying about some of the things we were talking about, but thats a different story, but still.  I just get really annoyed when I need to talk to her, but then there are all these other people in my way.  And I'm not a selfish person, so I won't shove my way through and steal her because I'm just so fucking courteous to everyone else even though I'm not really friends with them and don't give a shit about them.  I'll wait for time alone, but this time I didn't get it and that made me a little discouraged.

She's also not coming to my show in June.  She told me today over a fucking Facebook message, and just made it sound like no big deal.  Apparently she'll be out of the country.  What?!  I asked her where she'll be, but hey, yet another person who doesn't answer me when I message them.  She just said, "I can't come, I'll be out of the country then ): damnnn it"  Like really?  That's a big deal to me.  I'm actually really upset that she's not coming and then she just messaged me and made it sound like nothing at all.  "Oh, I won't be able to make it to the one highlight show of your year.  Sorrys!"  No.

Ugh there are just way too many problems and thoughts running through my mind at the moment.  And I'm really upset now.  Actually, I'm upset most of the time now.  Upset, depressed, empty, fragile; all of that, all the time now.  I don't know when I'm going to get over it.  Maybe never.  I'm thinking it's an age thing.  As I'm getting older and dealing with the things that happened to me at a young age, I'm starting to grasp and realize how much that impacts me now more than ever.  I need so many things, but none of them are within my reach.  And the people who used to help me cope with all of that are more distant than ever.

Fuck my life.

crack the shutters

AHHH FML.  Okay, sorry, I actually just yelled.  But anyways...this day has already gotten me so mad.  So i'm sitting in the new gym because for some reason we're not changing.  FINE WITH ME.  I walked to school this morning to basically find the entire student body walking back up the sidewalk on Piermont because someone apparently pulled the fire alarm.  But some people are also saying that there was a legit problem with something.  Fire trucks, police cars, and even an ambulance was called to the school and we were all outside on one of the side streets for like a half hour.  We're never out there for that long, so it must have been something, but whatevers!

okay, gym's almost over, but I'll come back and rant about my horrible day.

we are the absolute best.

Okay so I just got back from being at Isabel's house since like 7:00 last night.  It's now 1:31 in the morning and it was just another great night that I've had with her.  We talk.  A lot.  But about actual stuff going on.  It's great that I can have such amazing conversations with my friends.  It went from watching a movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno to be specific, to talking about how some of our friends are a little messed up with dealing with things [[we're realistic, what can I say?]], to how people are just total conformists, and then how music is just following that same path of whining lead vocalists, screaming into the microphones and scene kids piercing their septums and wearing ripped clothing that make them look like disgusting hobos.  Like, really?  Is that totally necessary for you to go about your life in?  I don't think so.

Some people we know have just become so fake and they're just corrupting the ones around them and you know, maybe before we know it, we'll have a minor scene population ready to explode from the outskirts of Bergen County.  Sound good?  Fantastic.

What's wrong with just being yourself?  You don't have to waste your time with keeping up fake pretenses; drop the stupid façade and be who you know you are.  Cut the crap because no one has time to deal with your dishonest bullshit.  If you're fake with so many people and don't seem to have a care in the world about it, then how could you possibly be trustworthy?  I have no fucking idea.  UGH I can't take people like them, so you know what?  If they don't give a shit about the friends they lose, then fine by me.  I'm not going to sit around and wait for them to see the dawn of day force their eyes wide open.  I have better things to do with my time.

Maybe I'll come back to this rant a little later.  It's late and I have to get up in a few hours, so I might as well get some sleep in between now and then.

one step forward, two steps back

Who do I talk to when everyone around me won't listen?  It's like I'm on the FM frequency and everyone else is attuned to AM.  No one hears me no matter how loud I scream, and no one understands what goes through my mind because I can never find the words to tell them exactly what it is.  No one can ever empathize with me and every problem I have is kept locked away inside for me to figure out how to deal with on my own.  Because I just know that no one would ever understand and they would take it the wrong way.  How are people supposed to help me, if I don't talk to them?  You might think that, but I think of it in the way that people don't always necessarily know what to do about every single problem, so why waste my time if I already know the answer?

No one I know can empathize with me or give me good advice because they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about.  And every time I seem to think that I'm getting close with someone, they stop the connection right in it's tracks and I get left abandoned, fending for myself.  That's how it's always been and I'm finished looking for someone who can prove me wrong and actually stick with it.  Everyone bails and I'm left with nothing and feeling nothing and always feeling empty inside because that's what I am.  Each time that I may feel that someone can be able to be trusted with so many things that I want to tell them, everything just starts into a downward spiral and blows up in my face.  People make promises that are never kept and go back on their word.  They lie to me and then flaunt it right in front of my face as if I'm too naive to know that it's right in front of me in order to realize what they've done.  I'm sick of being taken advantage of and not being taken seriously.  I'm sick of getting somewhere that I want to be, but then something happens that I didn't expect which thrusts me back to square 1.  I'm sick of being blown off time and time again and then when something, if anything, good comes around, I don't take it because I'm afraid.

It's fear.  It's all around me and it's what defines me.  I'm so quiet because I'm afraid that I'll scream if I open my mouth.

I don't feel content anywhere anymore.  I don't feel at the height of my youth.  I feel it slipping away and I feel every inch closing in and I'm becoming more and more claustrophobic.

I'm not happy and I'm not radiant.  I have such dark thoughts in me and silence always seems like the best alternative.

It's not something I enjoy publicizing.  In fact, I've always used to think that because of everything I've been through, I've emerged stronger.  I've just opened my eyes and found out that it's something else entirely.  It doesn't make me feel strong at all.  Instead, I feel horribly fragile, like one word could shatter me.