Who do I talk to when everyone around me won't listen? It's like I'm on the FM frequency and everyone else is attuned to AM. No one hears me no matter how loud I scream, and no one understands what goes through my mind because I can never find the words to tell them exactly what it is. No one can ever empathize with me and every problem I have is kept locked away inside for me to figure out how to deal with on my own. Because I just know that no one would ever understand and they would take it the wrong way. How are people supposed to help me, if I don't talk to them? You might think that, but I think of it in the way that people don't always necessarily know what to do about every single problem, so why waste my time if I already know the answer?
No one I know can empathize with me or give me good advice because they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. And every time I seem to think that I'm getting close with someone, they stop the connection right in it's tracks and I get left abandoned, fending for myself. That's how it's always been and I'm finished looking for someone who can prove me wrong and actually stick with it. Everyone bails and I'm left with nothing and feeling nothing and always feeling empty inside because that's what I am. Each time that I may feel that someone can be able to be trusted with so many things that I want to tell them, everything just starts into a downward spiral and blows up in my face. People make promises that are never kept and go back on their word. They lie to me and then flaunt it right in front of my face as if I'm too naive to know that it's right in front of me in order to realize what they've done. I'm sick of being taken advantage of and not being taken seriously. I'm sick of getting somewhere that I want to be, but then something happens that I didn't expect which thrusts me back to square 1. I'm sick of being blown off time and time again and then when something, if anything, good comes around, I don't take it because I'm afraid.
It's fear. It's all around me and it's what defines me. I'm so quiet because I'm afraid that I'll scream if I open my mouth.
I don't feel content anywhere anymore. I don't feel at the height of my youth. I feel it slipping away and I feel every inch closing in and I'm becoming more and more claustrophobic.
I'm not happy and I'm not radiant. I have such dark thoughts in me and silence always seems like the best alternative.
It's not something I enjoy publicizing. In fact, I've always used to think that because of everything I've been through, I've emerged stronger. I've just opened my eyes and found out that it's something else entirely. It doesn't make me feel strong at all. Instead, I feel horribly fragile, like one word could shatter me.
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