a parting blessing

I'll miss my seniors. <3

Graduation was tonight and I feel like a legacy is leaving my life when I just met most of these kids in September. It's so insane how friendships can grow and strengthen in such a short amount of time if you really look at it. It's almost scary to think that you went through your life without knowing these people...but they always existed; you just weren't aware of it yet. Wow.

home all alone

So I've been thinking about how much certain people mean to me.

always&forever<3

the end of the beginning

Wow so yesterday and basically this whole week was wonderful, I gotta say. I was with my family, doing what I love to do, and had fun doing it. What more could I ask for? Recital went smoothly, disregarding my 5 zillion quick changes and ACCIDENTALLY stepping into The Prayer like 20 seconds late in the 1:00 show...=/ But all in all, yesterday was just amazing.

By the end of it all, a couple of us were crying a little bit. Christine swore she wouldn't but we all know that when someone says they won't cry, they end up doing just that. She couldn't help it...it was her last full year with us. But she says she's not going anywhere, which is a huge relief off my shoulders [[and most definitely hers too]] because I know I would die if I didn't see her beautiful face every week. Haha. As well as with Brandi. I will miss the both of them terribly.

Steen came back and gave me a huge hug for the card I slipped into her garment bag just before the 5:00 show ended and I said a temporary good-bye to her because I know I'll be seeing her soon because we have to hang out. But Brandi left and she didn't even say good-bye. I don't even know if she got the card I got her, let alone read it or anything. I hope she did. Now, contacting that girl is a whole other story since she never goes online, nor do I have her number. But we will find some way to meet over the summer. That's a definite. Damn I love those girls. =D

and she's off

After school today, I went to spend time at the place where I'm gonna work this summer just to get a feel for it and if it was really what I wanted to do.  I spent 3 hours in the classroom that I would be assigned to and I met the girl who I would be paired with.  She was and has already been working there for a while now with another girl who's leaving on Friday.  They're both seniors at PV and they were amazingly nice.  I liked them both a lot, Christina and Nicole.  Christina's the one I will be working with over the summer and she seems like a great person already.

Really unique and down to earth.  And she was great with the kids.  I could really learn a lot from her and when I start, she'd walk me through all of the basics.  That's really what the both of them did for me today.  I met all the kids, who were adorable but also a little rowdy, and they were just great to be around.  They were mostly 2 and 3 year olds and just balls of energy; and tears.  My goodness.  All the little things that toddlers cry for, it was insane.  He pushed her, she dropped this, he had that...it was almost ridiculous.  But the little hissy fits lasted for only about 2 minutes max and then they were fine.

I'm really looking forward to it though.  By the end of the afternoon, most of the kids had taken a liking to me already, I was surprised.  I came when they were in the middle of snack time.  Then, Christina and Nicole took the kids to the bathroom and then they played for a while.  After that, it was clean-up time and then they watched a movie.  Teletubbies of course, but about 15 minutes through, we got a little sick of it and switched that with The Land Before Time.  So we watched that with the kids while waiting for their parents to come, one after the other, and pick them up.  It was so cute, while were were watching the movie, one of the little girls, Ava, came up to me and sat on my lap.  She was so adorable.

I think I'm going to like this...=D

say what you need to say

I really don't have a point to this post, I kind of just feel like talking/venting/doing whatever to pass the time away.  & it's picture day tomorrow.  I still don't have any idea in hell about what I'm wearing, but it always works out somehow.  I miss picture day in elementary school; my mom would always dress me up in little sweaters she probably bought for me at the children's place and put a little bow in my hair and some year, I would always end up with a tooth missing somewhere in my mouth.  I looked so awkward, but at the same time, when I look at those pictures, it still looks pretty cute.  The way she would always pick out my clothes and decide everything for me, protecting me in that motherly sort of way because she doesn't want her little girl growing up.

It's a like a parent's worst nightmare.  One day, they're a little ball of joy and they're picking out your clothes and cutting up your food because they have this awful scenario playing on in their head that you might choke on the most microscopic piece, but they do it  just in case.  And then the next day, you're picking out your own clothes to wear to school in the morning and walking there by yourself; thinking that you don't need them to hold your hand all the time, or to be there the whole way through to make sure nothing happens.

But I wish it was still like that.  I wish I still had her to hold my hand at the doctor's office when I get a shot for whatever disease there is out there and I wish that I could go shopping and have her tell me what looks good and what doesn't and that we could just sit in the car and take a drive somewhere and have a normal conversation.  But I can't.  & that's what hurts the most.

Because sometimes if other people think they've lost that, they can just call up whoever and do it with them for old times sake.  But I don't have that chance, nor the opportunity.  I miss everything that flew by without a moment's notice and everything I wish I held on to for only a little while longer before it was all washed away and never brought up again.  Just doing anything would have mattered and meant the world to me.  & having the memories to look back on and to somehow, if any time at all, feel better whenever I start to feel that feeling down in the pit of my stomach and know, just know, that I'll start to cry sooner or later in that span of time.

I really can't go a full day without crying about it...ever.  Yes, things do make me feel better and they take my mind off it, some things way better than others.  & some people too, but that doesn't stop the feeling from coming back any time it wants to.  And it's sad that a little girl who was once so happy with her life and just such a ball of sunshine had to be torn down in the prime of her youth with something awful to shape the world she lives in now.  I was wrong...I guess there was a point to this post.

8 days

Wow...I can't even believe this.  Recital is in 8 days.  It's so incredible how it feels like this year went by so quickly; I'm almost so taken back about that thought that it's basically almost over.  It's such a shock.  Another great year, passed and almost over and done with in MDI history.  It doesn't even feel like 6 years knowing all of the great people I know now from starting at Metro either.  It feels like I've been there WAY longer than that.

I have to say, this year's dances, in my own age level could've been SO much better if other people put the time and effort into making them what Lisa imagined when she choreographed it for us.  It makes me sad sometimes that we disappoint her if we don't dance to the expectations she holds for us when she gives us this amazing routine and we can't pull it off because of only a couple of people holding it back; and I gotta say, it's a shame to the people who try their hardest and give it their all...full into it, 100%.

But I am SUPER STOKED for this next week just to fly, go to dress rehearsals and take like a zillion pictures of everyone.  My dad's gonna be at dress rehearsal since he's not coming to the actual show because of my cousin's wedding that Friday.  So he and my two brothers will be in Chicago while I'm dancing my heart out here in New Jersey.  Should be fun...at least I have a lot of my friends and some family coming to the recital to support me.  And I'll be with my second family the entire day and basically most, if not all, of next week...should be fun.  =D

i hope you're up there somewhere

YAY! SO, I have a story for you...ready for this?! Ok, so after school, my dad told me that one of my neighbors had a possible job for me to interview at for the summer. So obviously I was like OK! =D It was at Loving Touch Nursery School on Broadway across from the Hillsdale Shoprite.

I filled out an application but because my neighbor was like BEST FRIENDS with the lady who owned it, Michelle, she basically said that I had the job...so uhm...I WIN! So I will officially be working at Loving Touch for the summer, every week day from 2-6, earning $7.50 an hour. So that's like...$150 a week! YUSSSS! =] And now Rebecca's here and we just ordered Crecco's. I don't know if anyone knows but I've had this INSANE craving for them for like 2 weeks...no joke. & she says hi to whoever's reading this =] We really wanna watch a movie, but I don't think she's staying that long, so we won't...mmkays, I think that's all for today. Bye buddies!

Ginny HAPPY =D

here she stands today

So tonight was the PV Arts Festival.  It was a pretty good time; although we were kinda performing for like nobody...that was the only thing.  Not a lot of people really came, which was a little on the let down side, but I'll deal.  My two songs went very well, I got SO nervous for my first one but then did FINE and the second one was fun, but kind of awkward to do in front of so little people.  I didn't headbang or anything and it really wasn't all that hardcore like we thought it would be, but it was kinda unexciting because THERE WEREN'T ANY PEOPLE THERE.  I don't know, maybe like 30?  No, not even 30 people in the auditorium at once.

People kept on getting up and just fucking walking out of the auditorium like they could just leave when they wanted to.  It was actually really rude and disrespectful.  I was looking forward to having some special people come, but that kinda didn't happen either.  I invited Christine and Brandi.  It was Brandi's little brother's birthday so she couldn't make it, but I really don't know why Christine wasn't there...I called her yesterday and it seemed like I interrupted something when she answered the phone [[although she told me it was fine]] because it was a kind of awkward conversation we had for like the whole 60 seconds I spoke to her and told her about tonight.  She said she might be going to a graduation party for one of her friends but wasn't sure about it because she didn't know if some people would be there or not.  It seemed like when I talked to her yesterday that she was set on coming, or at least that's how I took it...maybe I misunderstood?  Because I didn't see her at all.

I have to admit, that made me  little sad knowing that she didn't come.  Or not showing up and not calling me beforehand so then I don't get all excited to see her and waiting the whole night to see if she was there.  I was really looking forward to having her come since she was the only one who was actually coming out of the two of them.  Oh well...maybe next time, I guess.

so, i've been thinking...

I've basically been thinking how much my life has changed through these past couple of years.  All of the people I've met, the people I've lost, and just things that have happened.  Now that freshman year is basically almost over [[ not even 2 weeks left! =D]], I've just been having these inspirational thoughts and epiphanies a lot throughout my day.  I really don't know why and the reasoning behind them, but they're actually doing me a world of good.  They're making me think about things that have happened in different perspectives and it makes me think about the things that are going to happen.

I guess it's true when it's said that there really are two sides to every story.  I've been realizing that a lot lately.  Something that might seem like a big deal at the time like a break-up between two of your really good friends, or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time but over time, you realize that is was kinda insignificant and you look back on how you reacted to that particular situation and you think...Wow, that was kind of stupid.

Your reactions to certain things you may have done in the past changes as you get older and no one can stop that from happening, no matter how hard they try.  You just have to go with it and work with whatever happens.  No matter how often we may want to and how desirable it may seem, it's physically impossible to turn back time...so use it wisely to make the best times in your life worth while and things that you will always remember.

WHAT, NO!

Ok, so I'm in french class now and it's fourth period.  We have a sub and I don't feel like doing the worksheets my teacher left for us.  It's on whatever we learned yesterday and I really don't have the patience for it.  On another note, I'm super excited that it's Friday.  This week went pretty fast actually, I don't know what it is...But anyways, I just kinda want this school day to be over so I can go home and go to dance.

Oh, I don't think I've mentioned it yet, but I've officially cut myself out of the Crapshooter's Dance for the recital.  I just have this huge problem with these stupid, fucking dice boxes, I wouldn't be able to handle it anyways.  I'm just SO not comfortable up there AT ALL and I know that Lisa, Lauren, Brandi, and Jess know that too.  & I don't want to make them nervous in doing the dance because I'm nervous.  But that wouldn't be an option anyway because I still can't do the singles up there to save my life and it's kind of useless as of now.  So I'm completely out of it and I kind of feel relieved and upset at the same time.

I'm not going towards the idea that my time was wasted in it, but it was a great experience that I always wanted to do in dancing with them.  Even though I'm not going to be able to do it, it was still fun hanging out with them during class and just experiencing all of the stupid and idiotic things that Lauren would do in class.  That was funny as SHIT.  I'm still in the jazz with them, which is still good.  I'm just always happy to dance with them because they really know what they're doing and take everything about it seriously, where as the girls in my own age group are just stupid and can't seem to shut their mouths during class at all.  Which is why we never get anything done.  & it's stupid because if there are kids in there who actually want to learn and dance, then they shouldn't be brought down because of stupid people who can't fucking shut their mouths for 5 seconds.

Lauren brought me home the other night and we were just talking about the whole thing with tap.  I got in her car and she was just like "I'm going to make a suggestion to you, but please don't take it offensively."  & of course I didn't because it's Lauren, but she basically told me to just forget about the tap dance and not go through with it.  I mean, it was literally 3 weeks until recital [[now it's less OMG!]] and there was no way I could accomplish what I was trying to do with that span of time...NO WAY IN HELL.  & I mean, God forbid, I sprain or worse, break something with trying to maneuver up on those boxes...everyone would be devastated and I wouldn't be able to do the whole show...now THAT would be horrible.

So, problem solved: I'm not doing it.  & that is that.  At least I had a good year dancing with the seniors who are leaving next year.  Well, technically, they're not leaving leaving, Brandi will be in the city and Christine's staying local.  It's not like Sammy, who's all the way down in Virginia.  But I'm sure it really won't be THAT bad.  I will miss them SO much; that's a definite, but I'm sure it won't be something like I'll only see them during breaks and stuff.  They're close enough that if they wanted to come home for the weekend, they definitely could.  So that shouldn't be much of a problem, and I'm not really worrying about it as much as I was earlier in the year; but that's only because I didn't know where they were going and where they would end up.  But since it's close, everything should work out okay.

Ok, well, french class is ending in about a minute, so I'm done for now. =]

such a stress reliever

I'm starting to realize that people can change so drastically before their own eyes and not even notice it.  It's crazy to think like that, but it really does happen.  & it's sad too...seeing the person who once was your bestfriend turn into someone you only see maybe ever so often?  It's scary too, in a way.  You think you knew a person and then one day, everything about them can be remembered as something that existed a while ago.  I miss those times where you could just kick back and hang out without any complications going on.  Those were the times that I will always remember, whether or not the person has changed for the good or the worst.  In this case, I think it's probably a negative change.  And she knows what's going on too.  But i really don't talk about it with her; in fact we never really talk all that much anymore.  & the conversations that we do have basically shoot off the roof and die in a heartbeat...which does literally fucking suck.

But I really have no idea what to do about it at this point.  She's my best friend and we're drifting apart for some obscure reason that I think is just ridiculous and it is kind of her fault.  & she knows that and she's admitted it...BUT FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  GAHH I don't know...maybe this will pan out somehow.

If I smile and don't believe, soon I'll know I'll wake from this dream.