I don't know how I'm feeling right now. I'm being very sullen and non-responsive, which is probably pissing my brother off and making my dad uncomfortable. I have a killer stomach ache and didn't go to dance tonight even though I've been looking forward to going back for the last week since Seussical opened. It's not because of my oddly painful stomach ache that I didn't go though, I just didn't feel up to it. I'm under so much emotional stress and pressure right now.
The idea clicked in my head a few days ago that this marking period in school is over next week. Which means that we'll be into the fourth marking period, meaning that this year is basically done. So I'm basically almost a junior. That means so much shit that I'm going to have to go through will college and SATs and HSPAs. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I don't feel like I'm ready; it feels like it's speeding down a hill, going way too fast to stop until it crashes into something. That something would be my anticipation.
I was also planning my 16th birthday party on Tuesday night and at first it seemed like a good start. I was looking for having it on the 19th at a restaurant. But then my dad shot in and basically picked a restaurant for me because his friends own it and there's this wine tasting event going on so that would give him an opportunity to invite my friends' parents and have them come too. I don't know, that's kind of when it got less fun for me. We'd have a room downstairs for the bunch of us [[I was planning to invite 9 people, although I want way more than that to come, but I have to keep money in mind]], but I don't know, it just seemed boring. I had in mind that we would have dinner there and then go back to my house, but he said that would just be it; the party at the restaurant and then everyone goes home. I didn't like that. Everyone would be so bored just reduced to one place with nothing to do. They have a music system, but it only takes CDs and, being realistic here, who really has a lot of CDs in their possession anymore? That's what I thought.
So right now, I'm trying to think of something else to do. Oh and I added everything up to what it would end up coming out to money-wise...$1,106. Yeah, no thanks. I want something more simple. Just me and some of my close friends doing something fun and easy. I don't need all of this stress right now.
I still have to talk about the play. That's a novel entry in itself and all the baggage that goes with it as of right now, so maybe in another post.
Not to sound dorky or anything [[what do I care though, really?]], but I seriously have a lot of blogging to do. Maybe making a list of what I have to talk about will work better.
- Seussical/Disorientation
- Nicole [[one of my best friends]] & dick boyfriend
- overall stress
- I never talk to the people I want to anymore
- I'm just starting to find myself
- I'm realizing how hard life really is
- The possibility of the fact that I might be having an emotional/stress breakdown.
- Frequent meltdowns lately...is that supposed to happen?
I'm under way too much stress. I can only deal with so much. None of this is helping nor am I in the proper state right now to even begin to think about ways to cope with it. And yet again...Fuck my life.
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