& there's no one here...

So I'm sitting here at my lunch table.  It's just Ryan and I, all our other friends are either doing something with their teachers or sick today.  Which kind of sucks, but whatever.  I've been thinking lately...I've been listening to so many songs and with the musical coming up, I'll be dancing so much.  I really want to choreograph something of my own to dance.  I want to listen to a really great song, and then just dance it.  

Make something meaningful that I'll always remember when I hear that song or something.  Yeah, that's all I wanted to say.  I want to choreograph.  I wasn't doing anything in choir today, so I was just listening to my iPod, sitting there, coming up with different things and fooling around with steps in my head to see what would work.  It's something I think I could do and it could end up being really great.  But knowing me, I won't perform anything until I think it's perfect and ready for people to see.  So yeah.  I'll get on that when I have nothing to do.  Okay.  Yes. =D

i'll stand here so i can catch you if you faint

So today after school were the Seussical auditions.  And I was fucking nervous as hell.  I'd just learned my song last night with Mrs. Simet and I also couldn't stop the stomach-churning feeling despite my best efforts to do so.  I'd also never auditioned with these directors before, so I was also meeting them for the first time.  Which also scared me shitless because Mr. Lupfer is an intimidating-looking person.

So i spent an hour and a half after school practicing my song.  And then I went home to calm myself down [[my audition slot wasn't until 6:15]].  I got home and sang my song again about 10+ times until I got a little bored of it.  That's when I knew I should stop and I had it down and I was comfortable.  I was ready and there wasn't anything else I could do.  It was almost time, so I had to just go and face it and hope to do my best.

So I got to the school at around 5:45 and it turned out that the directors were running REALLY ahead of schedule because some people didn't show up.  So my friend tells me that I'm going in just 5 minutes, when I was really supposed to be waiting around for a half hour.  Yeah.  THAT'S when I started to get that stomach-churning feeling again.  But I went in and did my thing.  I was so nervous, it was almost obvious.  I introduced myself to the two directors [[they're husband and wife]] and told them what I would be singing, "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line.  I gave my sheet music to the pianist and told him to play at "an even tempo" and follow me for the first que.

Okay, so first off, the pianist wasn't my favorite.  He was going WAY too slow and not keeping up with me and taking pauses and stopping whenever I held out a note, so I got so confused.  And then I was too busy worrying about that, so I forgot about 2 or 3 seconds towards the end and just kind of ad-libbed until I remembered where I was at.  I was so embarrassed though!  I forgot the words and then I remembered what was going on and finished.  I can't really explain what happened, but I hope they took it for someone who was so nervous because they didn't me and I didn't know them and everyone is nervous to audition for things.

So yeah, I ended the song and was so pissed at the pianist, but then Mr. Lupfer spoke to me and asked me, of all things, to take my hair down.  I had it in a ponytail while auditioning and I really didn't think it would be a problem or anything.  If anything, I thought it would help; get my hair out of my face as opposed to being down, you know?  But I complied and took it down and they looked at me for a second or two.  Then it was Mrs. Lupfer who spoke, asking me about my dancing, referring to my audition form where I talked a little about my years of experience.  She wanted to know my strongest styles and which one I liked the best.  I told them both my honest answers.   I said I would put it between lyrical, modern, and tap and my strongest and as for my favorites, I said that for as many years that I've been dancing, it's not about the individual styles that I love, but the passion that comes out of doing something I enjoy so much.  They really seems to like my answers very much and said they would see me tomorrow at dance auditions.  And I'm kind of convinced that I'm going to kick ass at those seeing as most of the kids who try out for the dramas and musicals can sing, but they're hardly dance oriented.  Hahah I'm excited to show off.

So you know, overall, it was a pretty solid audition, I think.  I'm confident that they'll overlook that one mess-up at the end of my song and take into consideration my experience and all.  So I'm hoping that I get the part I had in mind, but I'd be grateful for anything, really.  I'm not even nervous for dance auditions tomorrow.  My friend, Maja, who's been in all the high school productions so far, says that with all my experience and the lack of every one else's, I'll just possibly be bored with everything.  Haha I hope it's really as easy as she says it's going to be.  But hey, I always love a challenge when it comes to dance.  We'll see.

i'll come to you in pieces

Alright, so I have a problem here.  Have you ever woken up one morning and the people who you used to be really close with aren't really that friendly with you anymore?  And no, I don't mean literally occurring overnight, but I mean as a gradual time period goes on, you see and notice a friendship diminishing for whatever reason.  It comes down to this: you don't talk, you hardly see each other, and you think that there's nothing that you can do about it.  So what is there to do if you think there isn't anything you can do about it?

There might not be anything you can do about it, but you know, you can give the old college try at least.  Well, not in this sense, but you know what I mean.  You can try and rekindle that friendship in the hopes that there's still something there.  And if not, well then, there's really not much to do about it.  Just to go and get on with your life, I guess.  I mean, that seems to be the more practical approach, if you ask me.  And if you really think about it, the person who won't accept you as a friend now, being that you've drifted apart over time, probably wasn't much of a real friend to you when you were friends to begin with, back in the days when you were friends and saw each other on a somewhat regular basis.

Think about it...if the person's not willing to be friends again after however long of a period of time that you two really weren't that close, then what made them such a good friend in the first place?  I don't know why someone would want someone like that in their lives.  But I'm getting sidetracked.  That's not what I wanted to talk about, but that thought just kind of crossed my mind.  What I did want to talk about what what was going on with me though.  It's basically that situation though.  Minus the "not being friends again" part because I haven't approached her about it just yet.  Though, I really do want to, I have to say, I'm kind of conscious of what she'll think.

Okay, so here's the gist.  So for the past year, I've been really good friends with this girl who I met the summer before going into high school together.  We would be going to school together in the fall and I hadn't met her before because she was from Rivervale.  So she's a pretty down-to-earth kind of girl.  And she likes what I like.  Dance, that is.  She's amazing at what she does.  Dance team technique, though.  I'm all studio, so there's some conflict there but whatever, I really could care less.  It's not like we bicker about better techniques or anything, that's stupid.  But anyways, we got to being really great friends over freshman year, but you know, this summer going into sophomore year, we kind of got to see each other less and less as the time went on.  No, not even at the start of the summer.  I could kind of tell that it was all happening a little before that even.

So as of right now, we don't talk at all, minus the ever-exchanged "hello's" whenever I see her in the hallway.  And not to make her sound like a bitch, but I'm lucky if I ever get a response...or a smile.  Which is weird, and I do kind of find it a little inconsiderate.  It's like I'm not even there and she just breezes past me in some kind of bubble zone that totally tunes me out.  And I do want to confront her, I really do.  Well, not like confront, like totally rage on her for whatever, but I want to talk to her to see if she feels the same way as I do.  Because we used to talk A LOT and about really touchy things and it always felt good talking to someone.  And I really miss it.  I miss everything.  Talking, hanging out, walking all the way from her house to Dairy Queen in Bi State Plaza [[my GOD that was the longest walk ever, it took like 2 1/2 hours!]].  It was all so fun and it's like whenever our eyes met, none of that happened at all.  It does make me sad.

So I'm sort of committed to rebuild this relationship with her.  She's a sweet girl and I keep hearing all of these things that happened to her at parties and how she broke up with her boyfriend [[who hooked up with someone RIGHT after they broke up the first time and she was trying to get over him so everyone basically hated him for doing that to her, but then she took him back.  which I think was a stupid move, but it's all done and over now]].  And I mean, I just really want to be there for her and help her out with whatever and just do something to make it feel like we're friends again.

Ahh I don't even know.  All of this is just so out of whack, I don't even know what to really even say about it.  I want to talk to her, so I think I will.  I mean, someone can't possibly not have a heart and just disband people like there's no tomorrow, right?  Right.  Yeah.  Okay.