a lot of things at once

Okay, so I haven't posted in a while, but there have been a lot of things going on lately, actually.  So I probably should've been posting to make me feels better about them because that's what I usually do, but for some reason, I didn't.  I can't really answer why, but I'll just make up for that right now.

Alright, so I guess I'll start with some things that have been going on with Steve.  He never seems to show it in French class, he always seems so happy and glad to be around us, since it's such a small class and everything.  And until about a few weeks ago, that's how I saw him.  I never realized all if the things that had been going on for a few months lately.  And I don't know why it's kicking in now, but it's basically all Rebecca-induced sulking.  And I said I didn't understand why it was kicking in now because they broke up over nine months ago, now.  But he's just been doing really bad things to himself for the past couple of months; drinking, mixing pills [[pain killers, anything he can get his hands on]] with alcohol, just breaking down and sobbing.  He says he can handle it, being around Rebecca, but just the other night, last Saturday night, he bolted out of Sophie's house, with no shoes or jacket on, got half-way down the street until Sophie caught up with him, and just started sobbing outside, right there.  His mom's gotten involved and he's gotten a therapist, but I don't think any of that will work.  I know they say time heals everything, but is over nine months really enough to heal a broken heart when it wasn't even supposed to be intentionally broken in the first place?  Rebecca didn't really want to go out with Steve, but she's really too much of a push-over to say no to anyone, and she felt bad.  So after a while, she had to cut it off because it was going nowhere.  I never thought it would ever, in a million years, effect him like this.

And then, just a couple of weeks ago, I was with Rebecca at my house, watching a movie, when Sophie called me.  She asks me, "how would you feel and what would you say if Steve wanted to ask you out?"  And I mean, WHAT?!  I had just started talking to him online for a few weeks now and we were talking pretty friendly and everything, but I would never think of Steve like that in any way.  He's more of a brother to me, if anything else.  But anyway, I thought about that for a long time that night and talked with Rebecca about it.  It was going to have to be a no if he ever asked me.  But he hasn't yet, so I kind of just disregarded it.  I don't think he'd be in the right frame of mind for anything anyway; being "in love" with Rebecca and then asking someone else out to try and get over her.  1. that's using someone, and 2. that's not fair in any way to someone else.  So yeah.  That ends that.  I'm really worried about him and I can only hope that it will get better soon.

And something else that's been on my mind for a while.  This, today, is now the fifth Christmas that my family and I have spent together without my mom here.  That took a toll on me for the few weeks in anticipation for it, and last night and today also.  I was at Sophie's house on Tuesday night and towards the end of the night, I was just sitting there, thinking about it; blocking out everything else.  It wasn't until Sophie all but shouted my name to break me out of my little trance to make sure I was still breathing or something like that.  But it gets bad sometimes.  I miss her so much, it's so hard to come by.  Just a few weeks ago...I think in the beginning of the month, I had a really bad breakdown and Rachel helped me out.  That went until about 2:30 in the morning.  And, of course, I had school the nest day, but I didn't care.  I was just a wreck.  That happens every so often.  But I really get upset around any family oriented holiday, really.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and it's not like I'm a debby-downer for the entire night, stay secluded in a corner, but you can see it in my face; in my eyes.  I'm in agony and a part of my heart is missing from it's place.  It's like a puzzle.  It can never be truly whole until every piece is put into place, correctly and exactly.  That's when everything fits and there's no room for error.  That's not the case here.  But I do like the fact that she's still there with us, having fun and celebrating with the family as if she was still here.  That thought does, somewhat, bring the light back into my eyes for a little bit.

This year's Christmas was really nice.  We had Christmas Eve at my Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Steven's house and the usual family was there.  It was full of mingling, laughs, the second best chocolate cake I've ever had [[I say that because I had to pick the nuts out of the frosting...ew]], a wonderful family atmosphere, and you know what else?  It was warm; I felt warm.  Now, I'm a genuinely cold person.  I freeze everywhere.  But not last night.  I wasn't cold at all.  And I don't perceive that as 'Oh, they had the heat on high,' but I think of it as if I was in higher spirits than usual.  I liked that a lot.  I like anything that changes how I normally feel; but not something that numbs me.  Because then I can't feel anything at all.  And I don't like having no feeling.

This morning, actual Christmas day, was pleasant.  I made pancakes for my brothers [[not making them too watery with milk because that's how I like them, but my brothers hate when I do that, so I made them their way]] and my Uncle Richard and Aunt Nikki came over.  Everyone had coffee, but me and Phil, and we exchanged presents.  I really could care less about the presents.  They don't mean anything to me.  Yes, it's the social norm to give gifts on Christmas, but I mean, that's not what it's about.  And I know everyone's heard this before, "Oh it's not about the presents, it's about giving to someone else."  But giving to someone else...what exactly?  There's endless possibilities of things you can give someone.  Yes, you can give someone the most lavish gift to sway them, but is it really going to make then thankful for you?  I don't think so.

And because my family isn't one to spend all day with each other on Christmas, I went to the movies with Sophie and we saw Marley & Me.  We were going to go to Garden State and see it because we seriously figured that since it was Christmas, no one would really be seeing movies, but were we WRONG.  It was TOTALLY packed and of course, the movie was sold out for the showing we had gotten there for.  So we went to Westwood to get tickets for the 5:00 showing.  We walked in, and I saw Shayna and her sister sitting against the wall and I suddenly felt kind of happy that Garden State had been sold out after all.  The movie was great and yes, I did start crying at the end.  But I couldn't help but think about something towards the end of the movie and when I got home.  I couldn't help but think about Shayna and I as friends.  We got pretty close at the end of freshman year and over the summer, but you know, since sophomore year started, we kind of haven't talked or anything as much as we really used to.  I don't know, I kind of miss it, now that I've thought about it.  I mean, we were never really close like, OH YEAH BEST FRIENDS, but she was a great person to talk to whenever we did.  And, whether she knows or realizes it at all, she actually helped me a lot.  I would feel comfortable talking to her about basically anything, which I really never felt with most people.  I've always had trust issues and never really opened up to many people.  I still don't.  It has to be someone who I really let into my comfort zone.  I can even say that I'm not like that with some of my closest friends.  As I think about it, it's really the people that someone would never expect.  But that's okay and I don't mind in the slightest.  I don't think it's a bad thing that I can't trust people sometimes.  They're my feelings and I can choose the people I want to share them with, right?  That's how I see it.  It's not like I pick people randomly either.  Oh okay, so I'll devout my inner-most thoughts to this person today, but who tomorrow?  No.  It just happens.  And I won't say that it's not something that I don't have control over because that's not true.  But it's almost like something that just comes out without me having to think about it, or who I'm talking to, really.

So that's it.  Maybe I'll go into some more detail in the next few days.  I actually hope to.  I've waited too long to keep things bottled in.  That's when it all explodes and I can't contain anything without having a mass wreckage of defeat rush through me.  Ugh, I hate days like those.  But I must face them, whether I like it or not.  It's a part of my life, but not a part that I wish was never there.  I've been told that I'm "the epitome of a strong fighter."  And I like that description...I want to keep it with me, always.

My absolute favorite. <3

& it just eats away at everything in sight

We haven't talked in so long, does she even realize?  I try to bring it up and it just explodes in my face when she doesn't respond.  I don't know what else to do.  Maybe something will make it right.  Nothing feels the same anymore.  I miss my big sister; I need her.  Why can't she see that?

what a sick, masochistic lion

Alright, I went to see Twilight last night/this morning and it was TOTALLY worth it.  It was amazing and just what I thought it would be like.  All of the actors did an incredible time in their characters and I was just so impressed.  I really didn't expect it to stay true to the story that much, but it really did.  Although they left out a lot of important parts and did some things differently in the movie than in the book, but it's whatevers and it's done, so there's really not point to be annoyed about it although it did bother me.  But all in all, it was so great and I can't believe that this whole thing started back in February and  was anticipating it for so long and it finally came.  That's crazy insane.

I'm in school right now, but I'll get back more on this later when I'm home.  OH and Brandi's coming today! AHHH I'M SO EXCITED.  I haven't seen her in forever and I just CANNOT wait for this day at school to be over and go to dance and see her.  So I'll talk about that more later.  AH! =D ♥

what's this secret?...

I haven't seen Brandi since June 21st [[recital]] and she's coming on Friday!  I am super excited.  We talked for like an hour and a half last night and it was so nice.  She says that she has something to tell me and the girls when she sees us.  And just the fact that she told me she had to tell me something and then DIDN'T is making me so crazy.  Because you know, she tells me she has something to tell me and then makes me wait for it until I see her, it's agonizing!  And her response is, "...women have been in labor for longer than that!  You'll live, ginster..."  Hah of course I will, but I wanna know so badly!  But I'm more excited to actually see her.  I can't wait at all.

And Nicole and I are going to the midnight showing of Twilight on Thursday night/Friday morning!  I'm stoked to see it.  I've been waiting for FOREVER.  Since February and its finally here...that's crazy insane.  So we got our tickets online so they're nice and secured for us and now all we have to do is show up and get them.  I CANNOT possibly wait for the end of this week with these two things going on.  It's going to be the absolute BEST.  =D

so many broken pieces that get harder & harder to fix.

I never thought it would be this hard.

It must take more time to get over.

I thought I would be fine.

It must be the optimism talking.

I can never look at her picture and contain myself.

It must be the thoughts I know will come to mind.

I don't notice the tears streaming down my face.

It must have something to do with me tuning everything else out.

I never had anyone to teach me so many things.

It must be why I still don't know so much.

I try to be okay.

It never works out how I want.

I try not to let it take me over.

It always does anyway.

I can see that so many people don't understand.

It's true.

I don't know what else to say.

It's over and done with.

And yet I still feel the exact same way that I did 5 years ago.

parlez-vous?

It's always French class.  We ALWAYS have a sub.  It's great.  Nicole's sitting with me and we're not doing the worksheet our teacher gave us because the network is "down."  TOTALLY LEGIT though.  I'm serious.  But for some fun reason, Blogger is in fact working.  Go figure?  I'm not complaining.

So the cruise was AHHHMAZING.  End of story.  We kick ass on the performance that was on Sunday at 5.  That whole day we were rehearsing so we were all really tired that day, but we still gave it our all.  And the night before, I was with Lisa and Robert, Jess, Nikki, Christine, Sam, Nicole, and Katie and Dom in the lounge and bar just hanging out.  They were so much fun, I wish I would have hung out with them for more of the trip.  The girls in my age group are great and all, I mean don't get me wrong; I love them, but they were just so boring.  Lisa and the girls were way more fun.  And that day of the performance, my song went SO WELL.  I was so surprised.  It's always like the day of the performance that I'll actually get something absolutely right, which is probably really bad because I should have had it down a while before, but I didn't.  But everyone said that it sounded amazing and I gave them chills and I made them cry and so on and so forth.

And then after the show, it turned out that the professional Royal Caribbean Singers & Dancers were in the audience, watching the show and they stayed after, sitting on the stage, waiting to talk to ME.  That was probably the greatest feeling that I got.  They said that I just blew them away with my singing ability and my voice and being able to sing a song like that at the age that I am and everything.  And they said that I had such a stage presence and such face and attitude that everytime they saw me dancing, their eyes were drawn to me.  It was insane.  And then one of the male singers, his name was Shy I think, said that he thought there were two of me since he kept seeing me in every other number.  Hah I was in 8 out of 12, so I understand if he thought there were two of me.  But there weren't.  It was all me, and my quick changes and everything.  I also have no clue how I got my quick changes done with the huge backstage.  I had to run around and change and get back on in like 30 seconds.  I didn't even make it for Swing so Katie [[my partner]] waited until I was ready and then we did THE BEST cover up when coming on stage, it was great.  And I was so sad that it was over.  It was only a 30 minuter performance so it went by really fast.  But still...we started practicing for this in July.  That's five months to get ready for a 30 minute show.  But anyway, it was just an incredible experience with the studio and I wish we never left.  Ugh coming back to the cold weather was not great at all.

And waiting for 3 hours in the airport before our plane boarded coming home was THE BEST.  Hah were such horrible people, but we love us.  We spent our time just sitting around, hanging out and talking and then in the last hour, we ended up writing about 2 pages of a Hindu rap that we're apparently videotaping at the studio tomorrow.  Hah it was great.  Christine taped the whole thing at the airport and it's now on facebook.  Every time I watch it, I just crack up and laugh for about 15 minutes.  I love MDI ♥

OH!  And Christine got another tattoo on...Wednesday?  Yeah, I think that's when she got it.  But I didn't think she was going to get it that fast.  She told me about it a few weeks before the cruise and said she would get it soon but I didn't know it was THAT soon.  She said she didn't either, but she called Starlight to make an appointment and the guy said he had an opening that day, so she went for it!  She didn't get the quote that she was going to get because it was already $200 as it was and it would have taken up too much room.  She got it on the back of her neck, and I think it looks great on her.  I love it so much.  It's the mother/daughter symbol she told me about and the bottom looks like an upside-down ribbon so she shaded that in with pink for Breast Cancer.  I had actually found the same exact symbol when I was looking for stuff to do with my tattoo [[yeah it's a while before that happens, I'm getting it senior year and Steen's taking me!]] so I guess I can't use THAT one, but she can help me when it gets closer.  I have a while.  Damn, I love that girl.

my heart's skipped a beat.

Alright so it's fifth period in Chamber and we have a sub.  We're watching Across the Universe, but OF COURSE I watched it like three nights ago because I was in the mood.  So I'm not paying any attention.  Although, I must admit, Jim Sturgess' voice is kind of addicting.  KIND OF.  But ANYWAYS the cruise is in 2 days.  TWO FUCKING DAYS.  OHMYGOD.  I'm so excited, I can't even like describe it.  I have to do so much before we leave though.  I have to sew the majority of my costumes: hem, velcrow, hook.  And then there's packing.  I don't even know where to start with what to pack.  It's insane.  I have to go into the studio tomorrow after school to rehearse my song for the performance.  It's OKAY but not how I want it to sound.  And I know that I'm cutting it close with leaving in 2 days, but still.  And I rented Dreamgirls last night and watched it to get the feeling and emotion of the song because Lisa said that it sounded "too pretty."  So hopefully that will go alright.

I still have to get my video camera to document the entire trip and the Twilight soundtrack came out today!  AHH!  So I want to go and buy that and have it on my iPod for the plane ride and such.  I'm also bringing the movie with me on the trip.  It's due in a week from yesterday and I'm coming back a day later, but who cares?  No more late fees at Blockbuster, right?!  =D

I'm so excited for the plane ride.  I don't know who I'm sitting next to though.  But I don't care.  I hope I sit next to Christine though.  Hah she's always fun.  Obviously, of course.  We really haven't spent enough time together lately though.  During the 2 weekend rehearsals, we got to talking and texting a lot though.  It felt like how we used to be back in January-February.  I miss that.  We don't really talk as much as we used to.  I hope that changes quickly.

I'm going to Christine's [[Zafran]] house tomorrow night and sleeping over because the car they hired to take us to and from the airport is picking us up at 5 in the morning on Thursday.  And I'm sure they thought that my dad wouldn't want to get up at 4:30 in the morning to take me to their house to leave.  But they won't let us pay for ANYTHING.  They're too nice.  I love her.  And I'm staying in their room during the cruise because my dad's not going.  He's terrified of cruise ships.  Actually, any ship.  He hates being confided to a ship while on the ocean.  I wish he was going though.  I don't know if videotaping is allowed during our performance.  Probably not, if I know from experience.  And it will probably be sold for maybe like $75.  But if that's the only way to get it, then I will if videotaping with my camera is beyond strictly forbidden.  But whatever.  I'll know when I get there.  AHHHHHHH!  I'm so excited.  But anyways, I have homework to do right now.  I could be using this time wisely so I won't have to do all of it when I get home ALONG with doing all the stuff I have to do before I leave for Christine's tomorrow night.  YAY LET'S DO THIS.

just saying...

I love Christine Marie Lacey and I have no clue what I would do without her in my life.  The End.

♥

I can't replace

I love how you can walk outside and clearly see that autumn has grabbed the end of October and changed it against its will.  I see yellow, red, and orange leaves all day now; all over.  It looks so beautiful, I can't possibly take it all in.  I think everyone has lost the appreciation for the pure, straight-forward gifts of nature.  We take the color-changed leaves for granted; the snow and all its splendor falling to the ground gracefully, slowly but surely enveloping the ground in an ice cold, frosted blanket by night, only to be disturbed and ruined by our escapades.  Who are we to disturb the internal balance of nature and its beauty?  It's almost like a dying art, the change of seasons.  Everybody in this world disregards it and perceives it as the ordinary. But whenever it takes place, whenever the cycle continues to repeat itself, it's completely different as the occurrence beforehand.  Each time is special and unique; a time of grace and precision truly all its own.

you know who you are.

It's been a long time.  Almost nine months on the 14th.  She's crazy about him.  He's the one for her; her significant other.  He's a good guy.  I've met him a couple of times.  At fist glance, they seem completely opposite.  He's tall, she's shorter.  He's brunette, she's blonde.  He's quiet, she has a very hard time keeping her mouth shut for five seconds.  But if you know him, and most importantly know her, you would see that they're perfect for each other.

His tall-ness comes into use when giving piggy-back rides and big hugs.  His arms wrap around her entire body.  You get used to his messy, brown hair.  He's loud when he's around the people he trusts.  Even her mom thinks of him as "her son."  He's getting a good education at college close by and so is she.  They're not stupid.  They may make decisions that could cost them, but they make them together.  They keep each other sane.

She is three years older than me and has been through more than the average girl her age.  Which makes coming to her the best form of advice.  She doesn't judge, she doesn't assume.  She listens to me and pays attention to what I have to say.  She helps me; she makes me feel safe inside.  She's as close to an older sister as I have.

Every time my eyes meet hers, my face softens.  She does something to me.  I don't have a clue what I would do without her if she wasn't there to begin with.  She knows what she's doing with her life.  No uncertainty, no second chances, no doubts.  She has just about every possible piercing that the human body can handle...well not every possible one, but the ones you would see most frequently.  But I don't mind.  They look good on her; she pulls them off.  She's got black writing on her left wrist.  It doesn't come off, it doesn't smudge.  It's permanent and it will stay there forever.  Strength, it says.  And it's what she has.

She has everything she could possibly want out of life.  There's no need for giving in to temptation.  It's pointless.  What matters, she says, is what will help you.  She matters.  To me, she matters.  ♥

OneRepublic, you light up my existence.

Whenever the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it.

this is interesting...

So my English teacher had the class set up blogs yesterday in order to respond to the books we're going to be reading throughout the year.  And of course, it's on the same site as this one.  So I spent hours last night fiddling with trying to spy-proof this blog so the people in my class can only see the one for school.  I think it worked, as far as I know.  But in class today, he had us write a journal entry to post in our blogs and it was a pretty good one.  Long as always.  Which had everyone in the class awed by how I could write so much because when I posted it, they basically all rushed to my page to read it because they couldn't believe that I wrote 7 paragraphs on the question when they had only maybe 2 sentences written so far.  So here it is, I liked what I said.

Question: Do you worry about becoming an adult?  Why or why not?

Adulthood.  Well it is kind of inevitable, I guess, right?  Unless someone has come up with a "fountain of youth" invention that I somehow don't know about right now.  So until then, I'll answer this question according to myself.  I think every one has mixed feelings about getting older.  When you're a kid, you don't really care about it too much in life, nor do you really notice that it's occurring.  You just go about your days, all care and stress-free.

And you do have those milestones.  The "terrible two's, teenage changes [[turning 13 that is]], sweet 16's."  Most of us should be turning 16 this year at some point or another.  It's also a pretty big year.  School, the ideas of driving and getting your permit.  How great is that?  I don't know about you guys, but getting my permit is something that I'm looking forward to even though my birthday is in April.  I just can't wait to experience the feeling of being totally free...well not totally.  You still have to have a parent in the car when you drive, but it's a start to it, wouldn't you say?

And then there's 18.  Where you can be legally arrested if you make stupid mistakes.  But that's kind of your own fault.  You also get your real license.  So correction:  this is the totally free feeling that I mentioned before.  You can go anywhere, do anything; with some limits, of course, but it's basically all in your hands.  You can vote, you pick your college for the fall, make you own decisions on the majority of everything in your life, with a few small inputs from your parents.  I'm pretty excited.  But I also know its a very stressful time.  But hey, what's not stressful in life?  That's a concept that you can't really avoid no matter how hard you try, really.

Before you know it, you're in college for 3 years, you're 21 years old.  To me, a lot of responsibility comes with that.  That's the year you can legally drink, and yes I say legally because I know full well of what goes on even at our age and I personally don't that it's very smart.  But I'm all for experimentation.  Although, there is a limit and when it gets excessive, then it gets out of hand.  And no one wants that.  So I prefer to save things like that for when I come of age to actually legally part take in it.

I can't really look too far into my future because I mean, how am I supposed to know what's going to happen and what's not?  Nobody knows what things are in store for them until they happen.  And I think that's what gives someone stress the most.  What a person can't control, they fear.  And that's understandable.  No one's going to specifically tell you what to fear, what to expect, or what to feel in your mind.  I have no clue what could even happen tomorrow, for all things considered.  But I know where I'm headed and I know what I want to do with my life.  But I'm an average person with average thoughts going through my head at light speed and I can't control what happens first.  Though it would be cool if I could know that and in chronological order.  Actually no, scratch that.  I don't want to know what will happen.  I want things to be surprises.  Or at least sometimes unexpected.  If things are predictable, then nothing has meaning to it.

So I didn't really answer the question specifically.  The answer is yes.  I do worry about adulthood.  I never know what might happen in my life, but I'm all for the better.  I do want good things to roll around for my benefit and I want things for myself that will make me something in society but I'm not going to care less about worrying with things that take place years from now.  I'll save those for when they get closer.

how could this have slipped my mind?

So I completely forgot to mention something that occurred this weekend.  Rachel came home FINALLY!  I hadn't seen her since two days before she left for school, which was August 24th, so I saw her on the 22nd.  Looking at the date of this past weekend and comparing it to that one, you get a pretty damn long time.  But you know, I think the time was actually kind of rewarding, in a way.  It made me anticipate her so much more and it caused me to miss her more every day that I didn't see her.  It was hard, but we did it.  So she comes home to go to her cousin's bat mitzvah in Long Island and she said on Monday, she would come and see me.  So I was stoked.

And then at 3:00 P.M., on the dot if I might add, on Monday, I hear the doorbell ring and see her standing outside on my front step.  That was probably the best moment of the whole weekend; she was actually here.  Not in

the city, not doing shitloads of work which she's probably HARD AT WORK doing right now, but here.  In Hillsdale, in Jersey, at my house.  It was the most surreal feeling I've had in a long time.  And I hadn't even opened the door yet.  So I'm sure you can imagine what I must have felt like when I jetted out the door and slammed a hug into her, right?  Yeah, pretty much the best.

And then the next day, we had school so she came in during chamber and sat in and visited with everyone, which was great.  Although I had the world's worst, splitting headache that day so I really couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to but I didn't mind that.  I had gotten my time with her the day before so I was satisfied.  Although, we didn't get to spend as much time together as I wanted on Monday.  I had practice that night and while she was at my house, Lisa actually called me to see if I could come in earlier.  So that dampened things a little bit, but hey, it's about 100 times better than not even getting to see her at all, isn't it?  I thought so...

So yeah, that was mainly the highlight of this past weekend and it was just basically the most indescribable feeling in the world as to what it felt like to know that she was actually here, in my room, hanging out with me.  UGH it was just so great!  I can't wait until she comes down again.  I'm already looking forward to it.

And class tonight was as usual.  We're so insane, I swear.  Lisa must put something in our water bottles and then re-seal them.  I mean, we ALWAYS feel the need to just act like COMPLETE LUNATICS and still learn things at the same time.  But hey, that's what family does...=]  So Christine's Sweet 16 is tomorrow night =]  Lisa gave us the night off from class to get ready and everything and in exchange, we switched fridays classes to monday, so we kind of already did them.  It's going to be fun, I'm definitely excited.  I'll have pictures somewhere after the party and I'm sure something insane will go down worth talking about...or at least I kind of have an inkling of hope that it will hah.  Night!

live && let live.

I never really understood the points of symbolism.  A teacher asks you to connect story lines and yet how is there only one right answer?  There's not.  There can be so many different types of answers for one sentence that it may just make your brain hurt too much.  Something can have so many meanings and yet people can never see the logic in that.  How is one person supposed to know what the author was thinking when he/she wrote that passage?  I doubt they were inside their head or sitting at their side, asking questions.  So in truth, can't the answer be whatever we want it to be?  I think so.

So can't that be applied to almost everything?  There's no right and wrong answer to every question or event that occurs throughout every second of everyday of life.  That would be impossible to record.  And what about small, miniscule things as opposed to gigantic, colossal happenings?  Shouldn't the small matter as much as the big?

I think people take the unimportant things in life into too much consideration.  They worry about specifics when they should really be focusing on the "bigger picture," as we say it.  Letting stress, nerves, and fear overpower what clear judgement they have instilled in their minds from the very start of humanity itself.  Free thinkers get diminished to being told what to do.  Everything is controlled.  It's careful and painstaking and vigilant.  Nothing is ever the same anymore once it leaks out into the public eye.  It was once a well-kept secret before someone spilled to a dishonest carrier.  And now it's everywhere.

Then what happens?  It becomes the biggest thing since sliced bread and then gradually, people start to forgive and forget.  It eases away, back into obscurity with much less fire power than it came in with.  And that's what the bad thing is.  Exposure weakens something so vast.  Isn't that true?  That's what I've come to believe.

don't you forget about me.

Okay I haven't posted in a bit.  Sorry for the brief interruption.  So I was sick last week which probably had something to do with the lack of postage.  We've also been having regular non-full weeks of school.  But unfortunately, next week incorporates ALL five days.  So I guess you can say I've been busy.  And the cruise is only roughly three weeks away.  I can't even begin to come to terms with that.  It's almost here.  And I'm so beyond stoked.  The Holiday Show is, as of all that I know, officially cancelled; which sucks.  I'm gonna miss hearing "Happy Holiday" and doing that obnoxious, yet totally in sync, kickline and hearing the annoyingly popular tune of "Jinga-ling" every other night at the studio.  I really was looking forward to this year's show, not gonna lie.  But hey, there's always the spring...maybe?  I have no idea.  But a girl can wish, right?

In other news, as I told you previously, I was sick last week.  Fever, aching muscles and bones, running/stuffy nose...the works!  Oh and I took a shower last Thursday and didn't realize I had a fever.  You know, most times when I'm sick and I get in the shower, it's to feel relaxed and better and hope that the steam will somehow clear my sinuses.  But NO, I have to be on the verge of a panic attack and ALMOST [[yes, I said almost]] pass out.  How bad would that have been?  Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.  But yeah, I had everything.  Apparently, you're not supposed to go in the shower with a fever.  It triggers all the wrong things to happen.  I started feeling like my hearing was inching away.  You know, like when you have earphones in and you slowly press the volume lower and lower until you can't hear anything?  Yeah, that's what was going on.  And my vision was gradually darkening by the second I was in there.  It started with dots until it got to almost on the verge of blackness before I shut off the water, in the middle of conditioning, and just got out in a towel to breathe in the cold air.  That made me feel better and gave me the delusion that I would never take another shower again.

Call it what you want, but I successfully proved that scare wrong because I did go back in.  And it turned out that when I got out of the shower, I had a 103.5 fever.  So yeah as you can see, it was sort of a blackout waiting to happen kind of situation.  Of all things, right?

So Twilight comes out in 36 days now.  I'm so excited.  I got Speak [[the movie]] from the library today and watched it and Kristen was just amazing.  It was a really good movie, I have to say.  It stayed very close to the book and everything; not what the avid reader would expect.  I'm glad I got it.  I've been determined to watched basically every movie that Kristen Stewart has been in before Twilight comes out so yeah.  Alright, I'm gonna go, that's it.

this is XTREMELY awkward.

So I'm sitting in 6th period lunch and I'm at the french club table for extra credit.  I'm getting an A- but hey, why not?  I want to do extremely well this year and if this is what I have to do to get there, I'm all for it.  But anyway, that's not my point.  My point is that this is sufficiently awkward.  I have one of my friends here, but she's friends with some other people sitting here who I'm not.  And it's a little on the touchy side cause I'm obviously tuned into my iPod right now and typing on my laptop doing this and not paying attention to anything else.

Sub. =]

So there's a sub in french class today...it's third period, 10:05 A.M. and I am so, totally ecstatic.  We're just doing work my teacher assigned us, and I don't really feel like doing it.  Uhm, so not much has really been happening, I guess.  Practice last night was as usual.  Except Caylin wasn't there.  I saw her while heading to first period this morning, and I asked her where she was.  Se just had a lot of work to do and her parents were tied up with doing things and her back was hurting, but she'll be in class tonight.  Ugh, pointe tonight.  My feet have not yet gotten used to my pointe shoes after going a whole summer with not even putting them on once.  It kills like a bitch, but I do love it, I really do.  It's so pretty to watch if you're a spectator and if you're dancing, it kind of just makes it all the more better.  So anyways, I'm just sitting here, listening to my iPod...there's not much to do when you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, I guess.

I'm looking over at my friend's screen and it seems that she's setting up a blogger account right now as I type.  That should be fun to chat about later.  I'm not gonna say anything now...1. because it's totally silent and I wouldn't wanna do anything to disturb that AND the sub over that the desk looks like she'd bite my head off if I sneezed or anything.  and 2. I don't want to draw any unnecessary attention and she's all the way on the other side of the room [[oh, what a big room it is..."/]]  But yeah, wow, Rhythm As A Dancer just came on my iPod...good times.  That was like, what, five years ago, already?  Shit, time goes so fast at Metro, it's ridiculous.  I can still remember my first day.  But I don't think I have the time to go into that right now.  I have to be pretending like I'm being a good, little student and doing my work.  Pshhh, yeah right. =]

I found this amazing band on Frostwire the other day, if that's any interest to anyone...they're called the Vitamin String Quartet and they basically take any popular group/band/solo artist's songs and turn them into violin pieces.  They're really incredible, I have to say...Rebecca tipped me off about them and I've just been downloading they're albums illegally for hours and hours.  Hahah  I know, how does that sound?  But yeah, they're arrangements are the songs exactly, but no vocals and very little input from other instruments other than violins and cellos and I've been listening to it ever since I downloaded them all.

Hmm...what else...class ends at 10:35 and it's still only 10:20.  Time is going by so slowly today.  It's probably the rain.  Ugh, my god, I had to walk to school this morning in it, it was horrible.  My jeans got totally, completely drenched from like my calf, down.  And yes, I did have an umbrella.  But hey, wanna hear a funny story?  Ok, so you know those people you may sometimes see walking down a street on a rainy day with their umbrella and it's really REALLY windy?  And you know how at some off chance of utter bad luck and huge gust of wind blows directly at them and completely turns their umbrella inside-out?  Yeah, well that was me walking to school and it happened TWICE.  My god, I just wish I could drive.  I'm in drivers ed. now, but still, my birthday's in April and then I only get my permit.  I don't get my license until April of senior year.  But hey, it's something I guess, right?  But yeah, it was just wonderful timing.  And  I'm one of the kids who [[thank god]] lives only about a block away from the school so it's like a 10 minute walk downhill for me, but I'm also, unfortunately, one of the kids who's older 24-year-old brother leaves the house at 6:30 every morning to go to the Bronx and teach little fifth graders and who's dad goes to Florida with his friend to help with a house down there and shuffle furniture back and forth for 10 days...TOTALLY love my luck.

So class is over in 10 minutes and I don't know what else to talk about.  We have 2 days off [[Tuesday and Wednesday]] for a Jewish holiday that I do know the name of, but will not try my luck to spell because I will most likely get it wrong.  So that's some good news.  I still might have my history test on Monday though but apparently we have an assembly that day, that period, so my teacher told us to be prepared for it.  I hope it's not on Monday.  I don't even know what the hell is going on the that class, it's ridiculous.  And my teacher is fucking crazy-eccentric.  It was funny at first but now it's a little much.  She always NEEDS coffee in the morning to function although I personally think that she could just get by on her annoying burst of peppiness that she denies she actually has every morning.

Now class is over in 5 minutes so I'm thinking I might wrap this up and just sit and listen to my iPod for the remainder of time.  Yeah...that's it for now.  Maybe I'll comment some more today if anything else worth telling happens.

&

This is THE BEST Twilight picture I have ever seen...I'm kind of in love with it.  See what I'm talking about when I describe this as a completely unhealthy obsession?  Yeah, I wasn't kidding...<33333 UGH THE BEST.  11/21/08

american psycho.

So, I was right.  It hasn't been a month since I last posted, but it has been a hell of a long time.  Which is odd, cause I usually post like every other day.  I've just been in a daze I guess, and I apologize.  Like I'm apologizing to anyone anyway...no one really reads this except for maybe like three people, and I don't even know how often they do read it, so I'm basically just talking to myself.  But I do like getting things out.  That's the main point of a blog right?  It's used for venting/ranting purposes...that's how I use it.  But then again, I really don't know where I'm going with this anyway, so I'll just get right on to the blogging portion of my post.

So last Monday, I went into work and at the end [[6 o'clock]] my boss pulls me into the office, which she never does because I do a damn good job there, and tells me that the news she has "makes things sad but I wasn't in trouble."  So right then, I knew where it was going, and surely enough, I was right.  I got let go because she needed someone who could get there earlier [[at 2 and i could only get there at 3:30 cause i have school, obviously]] and who could work 5 days a week [[I couldn't because I have classes on Thursday and Friday nights]].  So that kinda sucked, gotta say.  And then she tells me that she has dates for me to come in a substitute.  I was pretty pissed that she tells me this AFTER she lets me go, but whatever, I still took it.  Why not get some extra money?

So that was that.  Now I'm job-hunting so I can earn money for the rest of the year and not feel like a total waste.  OH and I found out a while ago [[I totally forgot to say this in an older post, but that's fine]] that Twilight is coming out EVEN EARLIER.  It's now due to premier in theaters on November 21st!  GAHHH I'm so stoked, it's not even funny and I am SOOOO going to the midnight showing...I don't have a care in the world that it's a Friday morning at 12:00 A.M.  I'm going and that's final.  I even found all this Twilight merch at Hot Topic and YES I bought most of it...XD  I'm pathetic and this is an EXTREMELY unhealthy obsession, I know, but I seriously can't help it.  It's like a drug addiction.

I also bought all these new book, which I have yet to read since they're all so thick.  But it should keep me pretty busy for the time being, what with school and occasionally subbing at the nursery school.  And I cleaned my entire room today so I feel pretty proud of myself.  I have to say, it does sound weird, but it feels nice walking into a nice clean, organized room.  And then I went to Isabel's house with Nicole and Lucas and we watched American Psycho and even though the movie is totally insane, it was the most hilarious thing to watch for 2 hours.  It was just so ridiculously dark that it made it so funny.  And I know that's horrible to say, but it's true.  For those of you who don't have a clue what I'm talking about, American Psycho is a book made into a movie starring Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman and he's basically this wealthy stiff business man who goes completely insane and morphs into this deranged murderer and nobody knows it.  Yeah, it's definitely a little odd but oh my god, it was the funniest thing I've even seen.  I just pictured him as Batman the entire time and that probably contributed to what made it so weird.

I've been feeling so detached from my best friend for so long and whenever I try to make plans with her, something always comes up, or she's busy, or whatever.  So nothing happens and I just feel that whole distancing thing getting bigger and bigger by the second that we don't hang out and talk or anything.  It's really not good because it's like, well I don't feel like I'm losing my best friend, but sort of a feeling of like losing what I knew.  She's completely changed and it's just really weird.  She's not the same person I used to stay up at night on the phone with or hang out in her room, talking about pointless shit.  I don't know, a lot of things are changing.

I've also been feeling weird around Christine.  She never really talks to me that much anymore and I don't know why.  And Brandi never gets back to me like 99% of the time that I try to talk to her about anything.  It feels really distancing and I don't like it.  I always loved talking to them and now it's like we're all cutting each other off for some stupid reason.  I just want things back to the way they were.  College is definitely changing them.  Not so much Christine because I see her all the time, but Brandi, god yes.  She never returns my text messages or gets back to me on facebook if like days later or anything.  I don't know what that girl's up to.  But I'm gonna try and let it not bother me that much.  But I just wanna let you know, if by any chance either of you are reading this right now, can we please talk?  There's so much I wanna tell both of you and it's like I never get the chance to.  And I'd like that.  You guys were like the best ones in my life that I could always talk to about anything and now it's like that's fading, and I don't want that to go away.  Not yet; not now.

wow this isn't me.

So I haven't posted in forevers. I really don't know why. It's not like I haven't "had the time" or anything...I just haven't. But anyways school started. Sophomore year. And it's already starting to quicken up at the pace...weird. And classes at MDI start tomorrow night for me. Wow, it's been 7 years for me. That's insane. And I'm so happy about it. And work started for the year. Ugh I'm already getting sick of my boss, I swear. She's been getting on basically everyone's nerves all the time, it's sort of ridiculous. But enough about that...the kids I teach are just to cutest things ever. They're a new group who aren't even 1 year yet. I'll get pictures soon, you can be sure of that. But they're just so good and they don't talk, which is a plus haha. And I can definitely say that I'm already so attached to them after only 3 months. They can barely talk yet too so I kind of just carry on regular conversations with them AS IF they knew what I was saying...oh well. I've kind of been feeling a little weird lately. Ever since the end of August...specifically after the 4-year mark passed. I've just been finding myself thinking about nothing BUT it and getting depressed on the spot sometimes. It's not uncommon for someone like me and I think all I could really use, and need, is just someone to sit down and talk with. Well, I'll post later...and no, it won't be a month from now. Promise.

what else is new?

I'll tell you...NOTHING. I have been so bored these past few days, nothing has really been going on; AND it's only about the last few weeks of summer left before school rolls around again and my friends leave for school...which will suck. This has probably been the fastest summer ever that I've experienced. And for what? Not very much. Yeah, i read a couple good book, had some good days and nights with my friends and such, but nothing has really happened out of the ordinary.

I really wasn't expecting much to happen, but you can always hope or think in that direction of paths, right? I will be going to Six Flags with Sophie and Rebecca soon, so I'm actually really excited for that. And then my annual camping trip in New York State with my family and HOPEFULLY maybe one of these days, doing something with Brandi and/or Christine before they have to leave for school...we haven't done anything ALL summer and that kinda makes me upset. But whatevers...I really don't know if it will eventually happen or not [[probably not "/]]. I know that Christine's going away for the last week of August, so there goes that...

And fuck...the 21st is rolling around way to fast for me to accept it. I hate that. I don't want to be reminded of things that I don't like thinking about. I hope someone worth spending the day with that day will be around...although I will be at the studio, practicing, from 5-9 and I'll have work before that, but still...couldn't hurt.

oh and another thing...

Best Ever <3
12.12.08 =D

YUSSSS.

HA So I finished my book and it was just the most incredible, best, amazing ending that I could ask for EVER. Stephanie Meyer is brilliance and the Twilight Saga are the best books I have ever read and my favorite. I am definitely now anticipating Twilight THE MOVIE coming out on Friday, December 12 of this year and it will be THE BEST EVER. It will kill the 6th new Harry Potter movie in the box office ratings for sureeeee. So...now what do I do?

I went with my dad and Rebecca this morning to the Brooklyn Cruise Terminals to pick up Sophie and her parents. They were coming back from their 3 week vacation in Europe and took a cruise back on the Queen Mary 2. It was so nice to see her and the car ride home with the three of us in the back seat was THE BEST. Hahahah <3

So tonight I have dance for an hour with Brianna and the other seniors. I don't know what we're doing but Brianna said we might be learning Too Darn Hot. I really hope so. Ever since I saw the seniors do that dance 3 years ago, I've ALWAYS been wanting to learn it. I think it's kind of like a secret obsession. YAY =D

"No, you don't know. I just want to feel good and happy and alive. Because if I feel alive, then it doesn't seem like she's dead."

breaking dawn.

So I got my book today and all I've been doing is reading [[taking breaks for the necessities of course, i.e. food and getting up every now and again to stretch my muscles]]. I'm in love with the characters in this series, it's basically unhealthy. && it's the best thing in the world right now <3

holy shit.

So I FINALLY got my new phone today-- LG Voyager <3333. I love it. I'd been waiting to go and get it for almost about two weeks now, so I think it was about time. I haven't gotten a new phone in like 2 years and then I didn't have my phone for a few months because it broke, so I was basically without it for a decent amount of time which made me sad, but I dealt. I'm not like people who CONSTANTLY need to be texting with their phones or "will die" if they don't have one. ANDDDD my dad got an unlimited texting plan so that kind of just added to the fun of things. =D

I went to work today and it was SOOOO BAD. It started out ok, but then Melanie and I were gonna take the kids outside [[we only had 5 today so it wasn't bad]]. We usually use these big, red buggies to take them outside though--we strap them in, one by one, and cart them over to the playgroud...but no. Today we [[well it was Melanie who told me to do it]] had them walk there with us because they're 1, going on 2, and they can walk by themselves. But the worst thing happened...it was so bad. We were getting them outside and I opened the door to take them out and one of the others was trying to shut it and I heard Olivia wailing and screaming and I ran inside to see what was wrong and her last two fingers on her left hand were caught in the door! It was so horrible and I felt SO BAD. Her pinky finger was bleeding and I shouted to Melanie and she ran up and picked her up to take her inside to get an ice pack and get her cleaned up, and call her mom of course.

So I waited outside with the other 4 kids, trying to get them to play, but I was still so taken back by what had just happened and I felt like it was my fault; I felt SO HORRIBLE. Olivia's such a cute little girl and, ugh, just to see that happen was the worst. But she came back out with Melanie with an ice pack on her fingers, they were so swollen, but she seemed fine after that and not too long after, her mom showed up to take her home. So that was the end of that. But then Natalie started to cry like uncontrollably so I took her inside and gave her sippy cup to her. She was MADDDD thirsty because she gulped it down in like 2 seconds.

And now I'm just home alone, sitting here with nothing to do; trying to make plans, but that isn't going so well at the moment...but hey, maybe something will turn up.

Dancing.

Time is gonna take my mind

And carry far away where I can fly

The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you

If I were to be alone, silence would rock my tears

'Cause it's all about love and I know better

How life is a waving feather



So I put my arms around you ;; around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you ;; they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking



No, I won't step back, but I'll look down to hide from your eyes

'Cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath

Oh could burst if it were a bubble

And I'd better dream if I have to struggle



So I put my arms around you ;; around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you ;; they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me



I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you

No need for anything but music

Music's the reason why I know time still exists

Time still exists ;; Time still exists ;; Time still exists



So I just put my arms around you ;; around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you ;; they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

How do mere words on a page cause you to feel so much? It changes your whole mood; your atmosphere; thinkings on your life and what's going on and the next steps to take and when to take them. It changes your whole persona on anything and everything you're thinking about no matter what they are. It can help you move on with the bad and accept it and bring on the good in order to embrace it with the same strength and as willingly as ever before. It helps you cope; helps you know that you're not alone when all else fails. It gives you motivation to do the impossible--things you never would've even begun to think about possibly achieving in your slightest dreams and thoughts while living. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.

I miss her.

Shayna Lans.

Like the days go by so fast and slow at the same time. It feels like the days fly by but the hours drag on and onnnnnn. And all of a sudden, it's August and so much and so little happens and then all the people you love have gone to school. It's emotional and fast and slow at once.

You're so strong thoughhhh...I can't even imagine but you are the epitome of a strong fighter. Well, you're so ridiculously strong, I can't believe youuuuu! I respect and admire and i love you for it; and you make me cry! Well it's incredible how moving you truly are! You're so inspirational, girl! You have some ridiculous power.

Be in the new Batman! I love Batmannnnnnn <333 It was amaaaaazing! I'm like obsessed with it. I watch clips on youtube over and over and oveeeeeeeeer.

Aww yeah, I feel like Caylin told me you were intimidated; but this year taught me a lot about what is and isn't important. Like intimidation and popularity is so so overrated now and I'm so over that and I'd rather be a real person; not fake and popular, you know? I'd rater be real and cool to talk to.

You totally are growing on me, Ginny Germakian...=D but I'm gonna say goodnight now babe <3 I'll talk to you soon. Love you cutiegirlllll!








I heard about her all the time from other people in my grade more over into the "popular scene" while going through 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. By the time I first saw what she looked like, I immediately remembered her being on one of my pee-wee soccer teams back in maybe 3rd grade or so. I remembered a lot about her from then. She was a nice girl; always willing to lend a hand and very, very pretty...nothing had changed when I soon met her this past year. Everything about it scared me. She was part of this group and I don't know what it was but just the girls who were in it with her scared the fucking crap out of me. Maybe it was the way they looked; all of them, the same glares you give to someone you don't know...

She was in my fourth period honors french 2 class and over that year in that class together, we bonded; growing stronger and stronger in our friendship. It surprised me. How I thought of her in the beginning and now looking at what it had magically happened over a course of ten months of being around each other. She said she had gotten sick of her old friends and the way they had come to be to one another, treating her with little respect; which wasn't what anyone wanted. So she pulled herself away, slowly but surely, and now she seems a lot happier with herself and with her life, not being held down by their bad reputations.

She's a good kid; hard-working, caring, easy to talk to...extremely easy to talk to. I could pour out my whole life story to her and she wouldn't get bored with me in the slightest. And I would say and do the same for her. She's not like many other girls I've met. Not like many girls I've been around before with that look of intimidation written across her forehead when you first lay eyes on her without knowing the slightest detail about who she is and what she stood for.

She's funny and and all-around wonderful person to be around for hours on end. She knows what she's talking about and knows exactly what to say most of the time. And I somehow feel that the things I can never seem to explain myself, she can with no hesitation whatsoever. It fascinates me and at the same time it just bewilders the shit out of me. I would have never thought this would be happening but we're actually a lot closer than I would have anticipated before I had even seen what she looked like after hearing her name countless times.

It's funny how things happen. They all happen for a reason. I think the reasoning behind this was that people can change; cliques can mesh. I wouldn't call myself the most popular person in my grade but I definitely wouldn't say that people don't know who I am when my name is mentioned or I'm seen in the hallways. I made a good name for myself before high school and I've made so many new friends since. But her of all people, I would have never expected to be involved with. She really is a great friend and I don't know how to describe it or say it really, but I would have never seen this coming.

This makes me shed a new light on people and how they aren't all the same sometimes. I used to think that the people she ran with were all mostly, if not basically identical, the same personality wise and she's proven me wrong. Which I find surprising and in a way, not surprising at all. She's the kind of person who doesn't hold stupid boundries like groups of friends or cliques [[to be frank]] seriously and she'll talk to anyone. As she said before...she'd rather be real and cool to talk to than fake and popular.

wow

So Rebecca came over last night and she saved me from possibly dying of boredom; it was so bad. We went to town and got food then went to Blockbuster to look around for a good movie to watch. I picked up 10,000 B.C. for my brother because I knew he wanted to see it and I decided to be the nice little sister and do something for him every now and again. We wanted to get a good 80's movie because I mean, who doesn't love those?! So we were set on the Breakfast Club but you know, Blockbuster didn't have it. Blockbuster DID NOT have it. We were pretty pissed. I mean, who doesn't return the movies they rent? C'mon, other people wanna watch those movies and you know what? They can't if it's lying somewhere in your house.

So that was the end of that. We gave up on the Breakfast Club and decided on a Disney movie. We ALWAYS watch those and they always make me feel happy. We both wanted to get one that we haven't seen in a while so we decided on Tarzan. Everybody likes Tarzan, right? Right. So we go look for it and...AGAIN not there. So we got really frustrated BUT then we found the Sandlot and got happy. So we picked that up and on the way back to my house we got slurpees. I love slurpees. They're the best; only like, what, a dollar? And they're delicious and sugary beyond all belief.

So we got to my house and watched that and then we popped in the Lion King for some laughs because that is just one of the BEST Disney movies made and everyone should know that by now. When we were done, Rebecca's mom came to pick her up and I was alone, yet again. Oh well. It was still fun while it lasted and it's not like it's the last day of summer. Although I really can't believe that on August 1st, summer will officially be half over. It's kind of scary. I'll be a sophomore and some of my friends will be starting college. It's insane.

I couldn't sleep AT ALL last night. I think I wound up collapsing from exhaustion somewhere around like 5:10 in the morning just because I wasn't tired at all. And if I tried to sleep at a decent time, it wouldn't work out for me, so I stayed up and had a really nice texting conversation with Christine for like an hour while she was at Paul's house. Paul has mono, which sucks so she's been there with him everyday. I hope she doesn't get it ahah. But yeah. We really got into our conversation and it made me start thinking to the last time we had like a real legit, deep conversation about something...it had been a while so I liked it a lot. And maybe ONE of these days, this girl will answer one of my texts at a decent hour instead of 2 in the morning so we can actually hang out and do nothing. That would be something.

I really wanna do that, she has no idea. I've been wanting to do something, anything with her since like January but that has yet to take place as of now; which makes me a little upset. Even though she'll still be around when she goes to college, I'm still not sure how often I'll see her, so I want to make the most of this summer and it's already backfiring on me...

After texting for like an hour, she kind of stopped which made me a little sad. I got used to her responding to my texts like 5 seconds after i sent it and then she didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I really don't know why or what happened, I mean, I'm sure she got wrapped up in something at 3 in the morning? I really don't know...just as long as I do something with her soon because I never really get to talk to her when I see her at the studio. There's hardly anytime for talking because we're so damn busy learning the 15 dances for November.

So I then had nothing to do. So I watched 10,000 B.C. It was really odd and I'm still not sure is I liked it or not to say. But whatever. I wouldn't say that I recommend it because there wasn't all that much to it. It wasn't a very well thought-out story and it didn't demand my attention BUT it kept me occupied I guess.

After that ended I decided to try sleeping and that worked. So here I am. I just talked with my friend Shayna and found out that she had to quit our high school's varsity dance team because she's having hip problems. She said that if she keeps dancing, it might escalate to the point that in 20 years or so, she might have to get a hip replacement...which is a shame because she was mad amazing at what she did and it's just sad to see that happen to her. She's a wonderful dancer and doesn't deserve this AT ALL and I feel so bad. But she says that it's for the best, and I believe her, of course. And she was also saying something about losing interest in it anyway because her hip was getting so bad, it was limiting her to what she could do. And neither of us want her to be permanently handicapped. That would be horrible. So while the rest of the varsity dance team is at dance camp, she'll be getting medicine hip injections and trying to solve this problem; which means she's out the entire season for this school year...ugh.


ON ANOTHER NOTE...

I'm am SUPER.DUPER.MEGA.ULTRA excited for August 2nd...what is August 2nd, you ask? The release of Stephanie Meyer's 4th book in the Twilight Series, Breaking Dawn. I am SO stoked, it's not even funny. That should be a good day. I'm planning on reading that entire book the day I get it.

This summer's shaping up to be pretty odd.

can i sleep over tomorrow?

So it's summer...what else is new? Nothing's really been going on, I have to admit. Nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing too out of the ordinary. Which does make me a little upset. I guess I kind of wanted something strange to happen. I haven't really posted in a while about what's been going on, and I don't have too much time before I have to start getting ready for work, so here's the gist of it I guess; or until I have some more time to actually write things in full out body paragraphs in more detail...

-I've started/have been working at my job as a nursery school teacher for little one year olds and I have to say, I'm in love with each of them. They're so care-free about everything, it's almost hilarious. I have to get pictures of them soon so I can show people what they're missing.

-I'm supposed to be getting a new WORKING phone soon but that was supposed to be on Tuesday and it's Thursday now...so hopefully that will be fixed today since I don't have dance tonight...HOPEFULLY.

-I started back at MDI last week and I couldn't have been more stoked. I didn't realize how much I need to dance like every waking second before I start becoming a little insane. It's really odd, but it was a super relief to go there and just dance for hours on end and seeing everyone again and everything about the atmosphere there; it just rebalanced my whole self...it was great.

-OH and Brandi comes home today which I'm also really excited about...I have no clue when, but I'm sure that will be found out soon. So that makes me a little happier.

-I saw the Dark Knight with Phil the other night and it was just fantastic. It really made me sad watching Heath Ledger, knowing that when they do the third one, if they include the Joker [[which they shouldn't and here's why...]], NO ONE will be able to play the part as perfect as he did there. End of story.


So yeah, I have to go get ready for work, but I'll be back soon for more details on whatever's going on...

say a prayer for her up there

So July 10th was my parents' wedding anniversary...they would've been married for 32 years. It's kind of odd to look at things like that. I always wonder what would've happened to all of us and how my life would change if she was still here. I probably wouldn't take things as seriously as I do now and I wouldn't hold people as dear to me. Nothing would mean the same and the essence of some things and the existence of some others would totally and utterly disappear. I wouldn't look at life in the weird, twisted up way that I see it now through my little brown eyes. Major things in my life now would just stand to be smaller in this alternate reality where she was still alive.

On the other hand, I wouldn't have grown up without her and she would've always been there in my life and there for me and my brothers and everyone else, but then I wouldn't think of some special people as being as close to me as they are now. They wouldn't mean as much to me in the way they are now and I would miss that [[of course I wouldn't have even thought about that because if she was still here, it probably wouldn't have happened in the first place, but I'm not going into that and getting all confused]]. But the point is, it happened. And as much as I would love it, time can't be rewound to the part where things can be done for a second time.

And I don't know, as bad as it may sound, if she was still here, I wouldn't be the same person that I morphed myself into. I wouldn't be who I am. I am what I am because of what happened and if that had been erased, who would I be? Would I be some what of a similar version of myself that I already am? I really have no idea, but also, [[again, as bad as this sounds]] if none of this had happened, then I wouldn't have the strong bonds that I have with the few people who I would probably lose myself if they weren't involved in my life.

The girls who I look up to and who I consider to be everything to me just because they've helped me so much...it wouldn't be the same. If I hadn't gone through anything for them to help me with, our bond wouldn't be as strong, and if I knew that, I wouldn't give it up for anything. I would probably have completely different relationships with them and nothing would go the way it has for the past 4 years. As I have come to understand, something good always comes out of something bad. And you know, looking back on it all, my life doesn't seem utterly horrible. I mean, yeah, it's not something that the average 11-year-old desires to go through, but still...it's made me unique in a weird sort of way, and I guess a lot of people have come to realize that.

I'm never going to be normal, as long as I live on this earth, and I'm never going to get better. My heart will always be broken for this and nothing in the world can ever fix it--I know, I've tried. As well as with other people. They've tried to make me feel better, but I don't want to feel better and forget. That would be the worst thing in the world. I want to remember every terrifying, harsh detail down to the last milli-second and remember what has made me so strong. Because you know, nothing can ever hurt me as bad as this has, which I guess is a plus? But it's never too late to try to mend something that's been broken in the past.

She would be proud of me. I've become a damn strong person and it's all because of her. I'm not ashamed or any of that, but yeah, I'm always a tad upset whenever it crosses my mind. But I try not to let that ruin my whole day. She's the source of everything; my energy, my motivation, my skills, my heart, everything that I do and set my mind to accomplish. I can just see it--if she was still here, she'd just be smiling; smiling because of everything she's taught me, and still is teaching me about anything and everything that someone can possibly face in life...and there's no end; it can be so, incredibly horrible, or something that just has you literally jumping because it fills you with such happiness. And you know, it's not something to regret, but something to remember; the last words she said to me were...

"Sweetheart, I love you."

Is it possible to know what you wanna say sometimes, but then be so incoherent that you just can't seem to find the words that fit and best suit what you wanna say and how you want to express it?

I have this feeling in my stomach that won't seem to go away. I need to talk to someone, bad.

a parting blessing

I'll miss my seniors. <3

Graduation was tonight and I feel like a legacy is leaving my life when I just met most of these kids in September. It's so insane how friendships can grow and strengthen in such a short amount of time if you really look at it. It's almost scary to think that you went through your life without knowing these people...but they always existed; you just weren't aware of it yet. Wow.

home all alone

So I've been thinking about how much certain people mean to me.

always&forever<3

the end of the beginning

Wow so yesterday and basically this whole week was wonderful, I gotta say. I was with my family, doing what I love to do, and had fun doing it. What more could I ask for? Recital went smoothly, disregarding my 5 zillion quick changes and ACCIDENTALLY stepping into The Prayer like 20 seconds late in the 1:00 show...=/ But all in all, yesterday was just amazing.

By the end of it all, a couple of us were crying a little bit. Christine swore she wouldn't but we all know that when someone says they won't cry, they end up doing just that. She couldn't help it...it was her last full year with us. But she says she's not going anywhere, which is a huge relief off my shoulders [[and most definitely hers too]] because I know I would die if I didn't see her beautiful face every week. Haha. As well as with Brandi. I will miss the both of them terribly.

Steen came back and gave me a huge hug for the card I slipped into her garment bag just before the 5:00 show ended and I said a temporary good-bye to her because I know I'll be seeing her soon because we have to hang out. But Brandi left and she didn't even say good-bye. I don't even know if she got the card I got her, let alone read it or anything. I hope she did. Now, contacting that girl is a whole other story since she never goes online, nor do I have her number. But we will find some way to meet over the summer. That's a definite. Damn I love those girls. =D

and she's off

After school today, I went to spend time at the place where I'm gonna work this summer just to get a feel for it and if it was really what I wanted to do.  I spent 3 hours in the classroom that I would be assigned to and I met the girl who I would be paired with.  She was and has already been working there for a while now with another girl who's leaving on Friday.  They're both seniors at PV and they were amazingly nice.  I liked them both a lot, Christina and Nicole.  Christina's the one I will be working with over the summer and she seems like a great person already.

Really unique and down to earth.  And she was great with the kids.  I could really learn a lot from her and when I start, she'd walk me through all of the basics.  That's really what the both of them did for me today.  I met all the kids, who were adorable but also a little rowdy, and they were just great to be around.  They were mostly 2 and 3 year olds and just balls of energy; and tears.  My goodness.  All the little things that toddlers cry for, it was insane.  He pushed her, she dropped this, he had that...it was almost ridiculous.  But the little hissy fits lasted for only about 2 minutes max and then they were fine.

I'm really looking forward to it though.  By the end of the afternoon, most of the kids had taken a liking to me already, I was surprised.  I came when they were in the middle of snack time.  Then, Christina and Nicole took the kids to the bathroom and then they played for a while.  After that, it was clean-up time and then they watched a movie.  Teletubbies of course, but about 15 minutes through, we got a little sick of it and switched that with The Land Before Time.  So we watched that with the kids while waiting for their parents to come, one after the other, and pick them up.  It was so cute, while were were watching the movie, one of the little girls, Ava, came up to me and sat on my lap.  She was so adorable.

I think I'm going to like this...=D

say what you need to say

I really don't have a point to this post, I kind of just feel like talking/venting/doing whatever to pass the time away.  & it's picture day tomorrow.  I still don't have any idea in hell about what I'm wearing, but it always works out somehow.  I miss picture day in elementary school; my mom would always dress me up in little sweaters she probably bought for me at the children's place and put a little bow in my hair and some year, I would always end up with a tooth missing somewhere in my mouth.  I looked so awkward, but at the same time, when I look at those pictures, it still looks pretty cute.  The way she would always pick out my clothes and decide everything for me, protecting me in that motherly sort of way because she doesn't want her little girl growing up.

It's a like a parent's worst nightmare.  One day, they're a little ball of joy and they're picking out your clothes and cutting up your food because they have this awful scenario playing on in their head that you might choke on the most microscopic piece, but they do it  just in case.  And then the next day, you're picking out your own clothes to wear to school in the morning and walking there by yourself; thinking that you don't need them to hold your hand all the time, or to be there the whole way through to make sure nothing happens.

But I wish it was still like that.  I wish I still had her to hold my hand at the doctor's office when I get a shot for whatever disease there is out there and I wish that I could go shopping and have her tell me what looks good and what doesn't and that we could just sit in the car and take a drive somewhere and have a normal conversation.  But I can't.  & that's what hurts the most.

Because sometimes if other people think they've lost that, they can just call up whoever and do it with them for old times sake.  But I don't have that chance, nor the opportunity.  I miss everything that flew by without a moment's notice and everything I wish I held on to for only a little while longer before it was all washed away and never brought up again.  Just doing anything would have mattered and meant the world to me.  & having the memories to look back on and to somehow, if any time at all, feel better whenever I start to feel that feeling down in the pit of my stomach and know, just know, that I'll start to cry sooner or later in that span of time.

I really can't go a full day without crying about it...ever.  Yes, things do make me feel better and they take my mind off it, some things way better than others.  & some people too, but that doesn't stop the feeling from coming back any time it wants to.  And it's sad that a little girl who was once so happy with her life and just such a ball of sunshine had to be torn down in the prime of her youth with something awful to shape the world she lives in now.  I was wrong...I guess there was a point to this post.