put or or shut up

Ok, so this 5-day break isn't really unfolding to be what I expected...I think I just made one of biggest mistakes I could've made last night and worst of all, no one was online last night for me to talk to about it. It was potentially horrible and I basically embarrassed and degraded myself in front of this person and now it's going to be so, incredibly awkward the next time I see them...great. Wonderful timing.

I just want the rest of this week to fly by so I can just go to the sleepover on Saturday and talk with Brandi, Sam, and Christine about everything that's bothering me. They always help the best and the most, and they're the ones I always turn to for anything, so this shouldn't be any different. I'm sure they can talk to me about what to do and everything...Nothing to do now but wait it out and see what happens. GAHHFUCKINGBITCHCUNTFUCKER. I'm angry. >=|

i want you right there so i can just keep my eyes on you

So I just got back a little while ago from MDI competition. Fabulous...most definitely. Everyone I wanted to be there was there and it was just incredible. Sammy surprised us Thursday by coming to the studio early and I was just so ecstatic to see her...I hadn't seen her since like August 17th, I think. AH TOO LONG. Damn I missed that girl. She looked great and she gave me a huge hug and that felt amazing. I missed her hugs, they always made me feel safe. We were just about to start the ballet so I had to wait the whole entire 7 minute dance before I could run and attack her with hugs. She came with us to competition to watch us and she's taking classes for the remainder of the year and she'll be in the show...of course. =D

So last night, we drove up to Fernwood, leaving at about 8:30 and getting there 2 hours later. And then came the escapade of last minute sewing of costumes and everyone was basically stealing my stuff because when it comes to my dance stuff, I basically have an abundance of everything anyone could possibly need, but it's whatevers. So we were all up until about 1 in the morning doing that, and we had to wake up at 4:50 this morning because we had a 6:15 call because, of course, we were the first dance to start the entire competition off; number 1. That went very well, actually. It really wasn't that bad. It's fun, but I get so frustrated and annoyed at it sometimes because it's really not a real, legit competition...from 6 years of going there, they have never given a routine anything less than a gold; never silver. Which is retarded. If a dance sucks, it sucks. It shouldn't be given a gold. Idiots. And our tap was our best number and we had SO much energy and EVERYONE was on time and hit it so well and we still got third place for some screwed up reason. But all in all, it was a nice 2 days with the girls. But I'm kinda bummed that I did, indeed, bring my camera and yet I took no pictures. UGH.


Celtic Ballet: First place; High gold
Whatchulookinat: First place; High gold
I'm Your Baby Tonight: Second place; High gold
Boriqua: First place, Solid gold
The Prayer: First place; Solid Gold
The Jam: Third Place; High gold

it's all because of a love

So yesterday was Mother's Day. Yeah, thats one out of many hard days of my year. It's a day based around everything that I just don't have. It was hard just going through the day normally without letting a tear leak out of me at one point or another, really. So many things remind me of her. Basically everything in my house, and since I stayed inside the majority of the entire day, that's bound to make me think about her constantly; that's basically just completely inevitable anyways, so I don't really bother to try and block it...that just makes me feel bad that I don't want to think about her. I always want to, but at the same time, I feel so horrible when I do.

It never really occurred to me that I will always feel the same as I do now; for the rest of my life. People always so "it will get better/easier with time," but I really don't think it will at all, to be honest. This is something that will never fade in my life; the impact will always remain the same, crashing into me so hard all the time. It won't grow weaker through however many years I go through. And I know that and I'm ready to accept that. I would feel numb inside if I started feeling like it was going away. I do want it all to go away, but not her; never her.

If it went away, I don't know how I would feel anymore. I would be so confused and disoriented with myself. It would feel like this whole ordeal, living with it for almost 4 years, would just be wiped from my memory. I wouldn't have the slightest memory of her. No, I don't want that at all. I'm willing to deal with the pain and heartbreak just to remember her and how amazing and loving she was to me and my family and just everyone who knew her. I want to be happy and proud that she was my mom and she was a fighter, but she lost in the end. Even though she is gone, she will always remain so strong in my heart now and for the years to come and go. I know that it will never fade.

People are so good to me. They know what I've been through and know when to cut me some slack or to just completely smother me with their love. I love that so much and how the people I know do in fact limit some sadness that I possess. They make life worth living and they ease my pain whenever I see them. I swear, if it weren't for the amazing people that I know, and am privileged to be around, I wouldn't know what the hell to do with myself. I give them so much credit and they all help so much. Especially my big sisters; all of them. They know just what to say all the time and talking to them never leaves me in a bad mood. They're my saviors and if I didn't have even one of them, my life would not be complete and worth while to live.



Diane Adrianna Germakian
January 2, 1953-August 21, 2004
Loving Mother

R.I.P

where art thou, red bull?

UGH. I am seriously so fucking pissed off at myself right now. I was soooooooo excited and ecstatic and proud of myself last night for FINALLY getting those single turns up on those boxes we have to tap dance on in the Crapshooters Dance...I HAD IT! And I was so stoked and happy with myself today. & I get to class tonight and we go over it, and I bomb so fucking bad. It's like something completely different was going on with me for some reason. I really don't know what.

But on every single turn, I kept leaning forward and falling right off the fucking stupid box. I was getting so mad and I was trying to keep my back up straight, but I was still doing it. I fell off the box really bad in one run through we did, I wiped out so hard...it's a miracle I didn't sprain anything, I swear; it was such a bad fall, but I regained my composure and went on, but it got me so mad. And then Lisa told me to try turning in my character jazz shoes because she said that would be fine to wear at competition if it was easier for me and the judges wouldn't notice because Brandi, Jess, and Lauren would be tapping. So I tried that; it didn't really help all that much.

I was dancing on a different set of boxes than last night so that made my comfort zone out of whack and the box under my left foot was wobbling and making me a little tense in my movements. So I tried the turn and...NOPE. Still fucking fell off. So Lisa just sat me down for a few minutes and told me to work on it all week basically, oh because if if any of you didn't know, competition's NEXT SATURDAY. So, I have a week to get this down and feel comfortable. But she said that if I couldn't do it and get it myself in that time, then I wouldn't do the dance for competition. Because she basically told me that if I feel uncomfortable up there, so will Brandi, Jess, and Lauren. They'd feel uncomfortable and uneasy in fearing for me.

So I guess I'm just going to have to believe in myself and know that I can do this...& keep my back up straight. But I just have to put aside my crap and just get this. I have to stop thinking about it when I know it's coming up in the dance and just go with it and not pull forward...that's what makes me fall and kills the dance basically. I mean, I HAVE to get this. Not performing at competition with them would be horrible, I swear. I mean, if I didn't, then I could probably get it by recital, but still. I really want to; SO BAD. I love dancing with those girls, and not to compete with them would shatter me. If I'm able to do this next weekend and it goes flawless, I swear...1ST PLACE, PLATINUM GOLD FOR US! I guess I can just try my hardest this week and give it everything I've got to get this. I have to do it for them. I just have to.

your eyes are the soundtrack of my summer

Ok, this is just great. I'm so happy right now. I talked with Christine and everything is completely resolved now. She understands why I felt the way I did and she knows my reasoning for it. I'm so incredibly over-joyed that I don't have to stress about her being mad and pissed at me anymore for this. We had a good 2 1/2 hour talk online and it was just great.

So I'm going to Metro later to take pictures for this year's program; that is, if my brother gets home in time from whatever he's doing to drive me. I really hope he does because I take these photos every year...missing a year would be horrible. I love looking at them all the time and just remembering great times from that year and those dances.

I'm really determined from now on to carry my camera around a lot more and take pictures all the time. I want to be able to say that "my camera needs to be surgically removed from my hands." As Christine always says. I want to have pictures so that I can remember so much that I could possibly forget; even the little things. I'm buying a nice video camera over the summer so I can take it on my cruise with the company in November and just document the entire thing. It will be the one time for six days that we're all together as a family before most of them have to go back to school. It's important enough for me to video the entire thing...and chances are, I will be watching it all the time when I miss them the most and it will make me feel all the more better about the AMAZING time we're all gonna have when it comes. I'm so stoked.

leaning now into the breeze

Ok so, over spring break, I was with some friends at a park in town and then they get this stupid idea to decide to draw on the slide platform thingy at the park. They go get markers and just start drawing away. I didn't even take part in it, but I probably should've tried to stop them or leave. Then all of a sudden, this British lady comes walking over and says she's taken pictures and is sending them to the police department. So everyone freaks and leaves the park as fast as they can. I leave the rest of the group and go back to my house with Rebecca. This was definitely not how I wanted to live my break, it king of fucking sucked. And I didn't even do anything whatsoever. So I get home from school and my dad tells me that the police called and spoke to him and told him what happened. I guess everyone had thought it had blowed over and was over with jus because nothing had happened in the past week...HA FUNNY. Yeah, no. SO he basically said that I was the only one to get identified in the pictures that they got, so it was horribly ironic how I was the only one to get blamed and I didn't even do shit. I told everyone who was involved and they all felt terrible, as I would expect.

So I had to go to the police station yesterday after school at 4:00 and talk with Detective Sergeant Farrell about it and give everyone's names. That was horrible, he said that if I didn't, I would get blamed for the entire thing. And, I mean, I'm a nice person, but I wouldn't take that kind of rap for my friends, especially for something that I had nothing to do with and my only downfall was that I was there. So he basically said that there would be no fine because it all got washed off already and that everyone, including me, would get the same kind of punishment and have to abide by this compromised agreement for 6 months and when it's over, it will get stricken from the record. I can kind of understand why I'm still getting blamed, though. I didn't try to stop them, and when they were doing it, I didn't leave or go somewhere else. So it's kind of like I have as much to blame as they do even if I didn't take part in the actual writing. But this still sucks so bad, because I had no intention of even going out that day, and yet I did. Ugh. And my dad basically acted like I shot someone or something when he found out. But yesterday morning, he was alright. He was leaving for a business trip and he was talking to me before I left for school. He told me that he knows I wouldn't do something like that and he believes that I didn't take part, and he's fine with me getting the same punishment as everyone because he knew that would happen and he just told me to be careful about who I hang out with.

The girls I hang out with are nothing short of amazing, and I really don't know what was running through their heads when they got this bright idea; I really don't. They're so much smarter than that and I know it, and I know they know that. So I'm not sure what's supposed to happen now. I guess we will all just get this thing over with and then it will be over and done with.

hammers fall on all the pieces

So this week has been off to a pretty good start. I wasn't really too bummed about going back to school on Monday. I just want to get these last two months of school over with, really. I was more looking forward to what was supposed to happen after school, than during it. I've been talking to Jackie for a while now online and stuff, we hadn't really talked all that much in person, but she asked me if I wanted to come after school sometimes when I don't have to go to Metro right away to come and practice with her and just dance in the back gym. I was pretty psyched, not gonna lie. It was really nice of her to invite me to come and all and I'm really excited that we can spend time together, hanging out and dancing and what not and just become pretty good buddies. She's amazing obviously...her dancing is just incredible. It's dance team technique, so that makes it all the more awesome to watch her dance because it's something that I'm not trained in and don't know how to do, but she said she was going to teach me. I'm so excited, it's not even funny. So I'll probably be hanging out with her after school on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays until the end of the year hopefully. I have to say, all of these new friends I'm making are seniors and they're all so incredibly nice, so I'm positively certain that I will shed some tears this year at their graduation.

Now, I said that this week was going okay, so that doesn't mean that it's great. Parts are good and then some parts are just such crap, it's insane. I don't know what's going on with Christine this week. I've tried to talk to her online whenever she's on and she just never responds or ignores me and I don't know what her deal is. I mean, did I do something? Because if I did, I'm sorry, but I at least want to talk to her about why she feels this way if it was in fact something I did or said that's causing her to act like this. I really and truly have no idea what the hell is going on and it's driving me insane. I can't take this bullshit if she won't talk to me whenever I try to make the effort to talk to her. I really don't get it and if it was something I did, I'd say that I'm really sorry, but I can't say that unless I now for a fact that that's what the problem is. She won't talk to me so obviously, I can't get any idea of what's going on. She won't answer my texts or any of that, and I don't want to come across as annoying because I know for a fact that she loves me like a little sister and no one can fake that kind of love. I don't want to leave this until tomorrow because I'm seeing her in class then and I don't want anything to be sufficiently awkward between us...especially considering the fact that in our lyrical dance, she lifts me so we kind of have to have some contact; whether she wants it or not. And I really don't want this to being going on so close to her birthday. It's on Saturday and I don't want her feeling like this then, not now. I know that she'll be out with Paul, Pete, and Michelle, most likely and her mind will be off this, but that doesn't mean it's resolved...maybe only for the time being. But I want her to have a good time on her 18th birthday. It's supposed to be a big deal and I know she considers it that too. I don't want this being on her mind when she's supposed to be enjoying herself.

But I don't want this to be happening. She's my older sister and not talking to her is probably the worst form of torment for me. I hate it; she's always the one I talk to about mainly everything, unless that's the reason why she's mad...from what I said in my other post. My thoughts are that she read it and got completely insulted and hasn't been speaking to me and ignoring me for that reason solely. I really don't know why she would be acting like that if she read it though. I would think that she wouldn't want me to feel like that and would want to talk to me. I'm so confused as to why all of this is happening now. Maybe I'm overreacting though. Maybe this is all a huge misunderstanding. Wow, if that's the case, I will feel like a complete dumb ass, not gonna lie. I would've freaked for nothing and gotten myself all worked up for nothing out of the ordinary. I would've stressed myself to an extent, cried so many tears, felt bad about my words...all mixed up in some stupid thing that I misinterpreted. I really don't know how to react right now. I guess I won't know until I talk to her...whenever that is. I need her so bad, why doesn't she know that?

my faded tee and ripped blue jeans

Ok, this is crazy insane. I'm thinking about this so much and I can't even bring myself to talk about it with the people it's about. I don't even know why, but I just can't. It's such a touchy subject and me being me, I'm always so afraid that people will take my words the wrong way, twisting what they're meant to mean. I don't really even know why I haven't brought myself to ask them about this, let alone even discuss it with them. They mean so much to me and yet I can't even talk about "everything" with them until I talk with them about this. It's the only thing that has been bothering me for weeks, staying in the back of my mind whenever I see them or talk to them on a regular basis. They mean the world to me and then some...we should be able to talk about anything on our minds and yet we don't. I don't understand it.

They're leaving next year anyway so that just makes everything worse. It will feel like I'm not going to get to see them at all once they're gone and they're not there every week, lighting up the place with their amazingness. I'm going to miss it so much and then I may never even get the chance to talk to them about it. I want to before they leave, that's my goal for sure. I can't let this keep me up at night, not knowing how they would react to it if I really came out and told them how mad I get at them sometimes...and they don't even know it. They drink...they're not even legal yet...they come to rehearsal in pain or have hickeys on their necks. I mean, what am I suppose to take in from that? What is that suppose to say to me? How am I supposed to react to that? "Oh hey, you're a whore." No. I would never say that, but how could they do that? I would think that they know that I look up to them so much. They're my older sisters, of course I'm supposed to want to be like them. But I don't want to be that. Sure, I idolized them when I was 11 and thought nothing of it, but was that because I didn't know what I know now? My perspective on them has changed so much within the past few months and I can't do anything to stop it. That scares me. I don't want to think of them like that. I love them so much and they're my everything. But how do they think it makes me feel when I see them like that? Have they even thought about how it effects me? My respect for them lessens and lessens with every single thing that I hear. "Oh, I was drunk that night too...I didn't even bother concealing that hickey from this afternoon...that was my first night driving drunk."

That hurts so bad. It like pierces a hole through my thoughts of them and what I used to know. They're not the same girls when I was 11 and they were 14. Nothing is the same anymore. I wonder if they even realize how high I hold them...I fear for their safety when I hear about things like that. It scares the fucking shit out of me. The vodka, cigarettes, all this crap. And I want to talk to them about it, I really do. Sometimes I even start to and then it just goes downhill from there and I stop myself. I was actually really starting to have a conversation about this with one of them just the other night online and she was just laughing at everything when it was clear that I was trying to be serious. I didn't know what was going on and something told me that I was getting this strange, horrific idea that she was drunk. I don't know that for sure, but that's how it seemed...she didn't take anything seriously and it was getting frustrating, so I just stopped. I look back at old DVDs and pictures and just remember how I used to think how great it would be once I got to the level I'm at now, so I could do everything they were doing. I wanted to be like them more than anything in the world back then. I don't know what I want now.

I adopted them as my permanent role models when my mom passed to fill that void of feminine compassion that I missed so much. They were so great through that whole ordeal, giving their unconditional love and support for me when I needed it...but I wonder...if they keep doing all of this stuff, how long could that last? Oh wow, I can't even think about that. I even hate to be writing about this because it sounds like they're such bad people. But they've done so much good for me. I would be no where in life it they hadn't helped me along when I needed it most 4 years ago. I come to them for everything, even before I talk to my two best friends because that's just how family is. I don't even know how I'll deal without them for the next four years. It will be potential agony, but I will make every effort to see them whenever I can. It will be a lot easier once I get my license, that's for sure.

I just want one of them to come and pick me up in their car and drive around aimlessly. Recital videos are tempting to watch right now...

park that car. drop that phone. sleep on the floor. dream about me.