So yesterday was Mother's Day. Yeah, thats one out of many hard days of my year. It's a day based around everything that I just don't have. It was hard just going through the day normally without letting a tear leak out of me at one point or another, really. So many things remind me of her. Basically everything in my house, and since I stayed inside the majority of the entire day, that's bound to make me think about her constantly; that's basically just completely inevitable anyways, so I don't really bother to try and block it...that just makes me feel bad that I don't want to think about her. I always want to, but at the same time, I feel so horrible when I do.
It never really occurred to me that I will always feel the same as I do now; for the rest of my life. People always so "it will get better/easier with time," but I really don't think it will at all, to be honest. This is something that will never fade in my life; the impact will always remain the same, crashing into me so hard all the time. It won't grow weaker through however many years I go through. And I know that and I'm ready to accept that. I would feel numb inside if I started feeling like it was going away. I do want it all to go away, but not her; never her.
If it went away, I don't know how I would feel anymore. I would be so confused and disoriented with myself. It would feel like this whole ordeal, living with it for almost 4 years, would just be wiped from my memory. I wouldn't have the slightest memory of her. No, I don't want that at all. I'm willing to deal with the pain and heartbreak just to remember her and how amazing and loving she was to me and my family and just everyone who knew her. I want to be happy and proud that she was my mom and she was a fighter, but she lost in the end. Even though she is gone, she will always remain so strong in my heart now and for the years to come and go. I know that it will never fade.
People are so good to me. They know what I've been through and know when to cut me some slack or to just completely smother me with their love. I love that so much and how the people I know do in fact limit some sadness that I possess. They make life worth living and they ease my pain whenever I see them. I swear, if it weren't for the amazing people that I know, and am privileged to be around, I wouldn't know what the hell to do with myself. I give them so much credit and they all help so much. Especially my big sisters; all of them. They know just what to say all the time and talking to them never leaves me in a bad mood. They're my saviors and if I didn't have even one of them, my life would not be complete and worth while to live.
Diane Adrianna Germakian
January 2, 1953-August 21, 2004
Loving Mother
R.I.P
It never really occurred to me that I will always feel the same as I do now; for the rest of my life. People always so "it will get better/easier with time," but I really don't think it will at all, to be honest. This is something that will never fade in my life; the impact will always remain the same, crashing into me so hard all the time. It won't grow weaker through however many years I go through. And I know that and I'm ready to accept that. I would feel numb inside if I started feeling like it was going away. I do want it all to go away, but not her; never her.
If it went away, I don't know how I would feel anymore. I would be so confused and disoriented with myself. It would feel like this whole ordeal, living with it for almost 4 years, would just be wiped from my memory. I wouldn't have the slightest memory of her. No, I don't want that at all. I'm willing to deal with the pain and heartbreak just to remember her and how amazing and loving she was to me and my family and just everyone who knew her. I want to be happy and proud that she was my mom and she was a fighter, but she lost in the end. Even though she is gone, she will always remain so strong in my heart now and for the years to come and go. I know that it will never fade.
People are so good to me. They know what I've been through and know when to cut me some slack or to just completely smother me with their love. I love that so much and how the people I know do in fact limit some sadness that I possess. They make life worth living and they ease my pain whenever I see them. I swear, if it weren't for the amazing people that I know, and am privileged to be around, I wouldn't know what the hell to do with myself. I give them so much credit and they all help so much. Especially my big sisters; all of them. They know just what to say all the time and talking to them never leaves me in a bad mood. They're my saviors and if I didn't have even one of them, my life would not be complete and worth while to live.
Diane Adrianna Germakian
January 2, 1953-August 21, 2004
Loving Mother
R.I.P
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