Ok, this is crazy insane. I'm thinking about this so much and I can't even bring myself to talk about it with the people it's about. I don't even know why, but I just can't. It's such a touchy subject and me being me, I'm always so afraid that people will take my words the wrong way, twisting what they're meant to mean. I don't really even know why I haven't brought myself to ask them about this, let alone even discuss it with them. They mean so much to me and yet I can't even talk about "everything" with them until I talk with them about this. It's the only thing that has been bothering me for weeks, staying in the back of my mind whenever I see them or talk to them on a regular basis. They mean the world to me and then some...we should be able to talk about anything on our minds and yet we don't. I don't understand it.
They're leaving next year anyway so that just makes everything worse. It will feel like I'm not going to get to see them at all once they're gone and they're not there every week, lighting up the place with their amazingness. I'm going to miss it so much and then I may never even get the chance to talk to them about it. I want to before they leave, that's my goal for sure. I can't let this keep me up at night, not knowing how they would react to it if I really came out and told them how mad I get at them sometimes...and they don't even know it. They drink...they're not even legal yet...they come to rehearsal in pain or have hickeys on their necks. I mean, what am I suppose to take in from that? What is that suppose to say to me? How am I supposed to react to that? "Oh hey, you're a whore." No. I would never say that, but how could they do that? I would think that they know that I look up to them so much. They're my older sisters, of course I'm supposed to want to be like them. But I don't want to be that. Sure, I idolized them when I was 11 and thought nothing of it, but was that because I didn't know what I know now? My perspective on them has changed so much within the past few months and I can't do anything to stop it. That scares me. I don't want to think of them like that. I love them so much and they're my everything. But how do they think it makes me feel when I see them like that? Have they even thought about how it effects me? My respect for them lessens and lessens with every single thing that I hear. "Oh, I was drunk that night too...I didn't even bother concealing that hickey from this afternoon...that was my first night driving drunk."
That hurts so bad. It like pierces a hole through my thoughts of them and what I used to know. They're not the same girls when I was 11 and they were 14. Nothing is the same anymore. I wonder if they even realize how high I hold them...I fear for their safety when I hear about things like that. It scares the fucking shit out of me. The vodka, cigarettes, all this crap. And I want to talk to them about it, I really do. Sometimes I even start to and then it just goes downhill from there and I stop myself. I was actually really starting to have a conversation about this with one of them just the other night online and she was just laughing at everything when it was clear that I was trying to be serious. I didn't know what was going on and something told me that I was getting this strange, horrific idea that she was drunk. I don't know that for sure, but that's how it seemed...she didn't take anything seriously and it was getting frustrating, so I just stopped. I look back at old DVDs and pictures and just remember how I used to think how great it would be once I got to the level I'm at now, so I could do everything they were doing. I wanted to be like them more than anything in the world back then. I don't know what I want now.
I adopted them as my permanent role models when my mom passed to fill that void of feminine compassion that I missed so much. They were so great through that whole ordeal, giving their unconditional love and support for me when I needed it...but I wonder...if they keep doing all of this stuff, how long could that last? Oh wow, I can't even think about that. I even hate to be writing about this because it sounds like they're such bad people. But they've done so much good for me. I would be no where in life it they hadn't helped me along when I needed it most 4 years ago. I come to them for everything, even before I talk to my two best friends because that's just how family is. I don't even know how I'll deal without them for the next four years. It will be potential agony, but I will make every effort to see them whenever I can. It will be a lot easier once I get my license, that's for sure.
I just want one of them to come and pick me up in their car and drive around aimlessly. Recital videos are tempting to watch right now...
They're leaving next year anyway so that just makes everything worse. It will feel like I'm not going to get to see them at all once they're gone and they're not there every week, lighting up the place with their amazingness. I'm going to miss it so much and then I may never even get the chance to talk to them about it. I want to before they leave, that's my goal for sure. I can't let this keep me up at night, not knowing how they would react to it if I really came out and told them how mad I get at them sometimes...and they don't even know it. They drink...they're not even legal yet...they come to rehearsal in pain or have hickeys on their necks. I mean, what am I suppose to take in from that? What is that suppose to say to me? How am I supposed to react to that? "Oh hey, you're a whore." No. I would never say that, but how could they do that? I would think that they know that I look up to them so much. They're my older sisters, of course I'm supposed to want to be like them. But I don't want to be that. Sure, I idolized them when I was 11 and thought nothing of it, but was that because I didn't know what I know now? My perspective on them has changed so much within the past few months and I can't do anything to stop it. That scares me. I don't want to think of them like that. I love them so much and they're my everything. But how do they think it makes me feel when I see them like that? Have they even thought about how it effects me? My respect for them lessens and lessens with every single thing that I hear. "Oh, I was drunk that night too...I didn't even bother concealing that hickey from this afternoon...that was my first night driving drunk."
That hurts so bad. It like pierces a hole through my thoughts of them and what I used to know. They're not the same girls when I was 11 and they were 14. Nothing is the same anymore. I wonder if they even realize how high I hold them...I fear for their safety when I hear about things like that. It scares the fucking shit out of me. The vodka, cigarettes, all this crap. And I want to talk to them about it, I really do. Sometimes I even start to and then it just goes downhill from there and I stop myself. I was actually really starting to have a conversation about this with one of them just the other night online and she was just laughing at everything when it was clear that I was trying to be serious. I didn't know what was going on and something told me that I was getting this strange, horrific idea that she was drunk. I don't know that for sure, but that's how it seemed...she didn't take anything seriously and it was getting frustrating, so I just stopped. I look back at old DVDs and pictures and just remember how I used to think how great it would be once I got to the level I'm at now, so I could do everything they were doing. I wanted to be like them more than anything in the world back then. I don't know what I want now.
I adopted them as my permanent role models when my mom passed to fill that void of feminine compassion that I missed so much. They were so great through that whole ordeal, giving their unconditional love and support for me when I needed it...but I wonder...if they keep doing all of this stuff, how long could that last? Oh wow, I can't even think about that. I even hate to be writing about this because it sounds like they're such bad people. But they've done so much good for me. I would be no where in life it they hadn't helped me along when I needed it most 4 years ago. I come to them for everything, even before I talk to my two best friends because that's just how family is. I don't even know how I'll deal without them for the next four years. It will be potential agony, but I will make every effort to see them whenever I can. It will be a lot easier once I get my license, that's for sure.
I just want one of them to come and pick me up in their car and drive around aimlessly. Recital videos are tempting to watch right now...
park that car. drop that phone. sleep on the floor. dream about me.
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