heaven forbid you end up alone & don't know why

There are a couple things.  I don't know what I feel right now.  Kind of a wave of rejection washing through me, mixed with disappointment and just a pinch of envy, able to be interchanged with jealousy.  I don't even know what's going on right now, but I definitely don't like it.  The girls who I used to consider my sisters, who I used to go to for basically everything, are moving slowly and steadily away from that image.  They're there for me a lot less often and whenever I try to talk to them, they never answer me.  Why?  I know I didn't do anything, that's always my first instinct.  I think everything is my fault.  But I haven't even talked to them enough this year to even have done anything, so it's obviously not that.

I feel like one of them is trying to move on.  Not from me really, but someone she loves very much is leaving to join the military in a few short days for four years.  That has to be a lot to take in and accept, but she's kind of already making a replacement; someone to spend her newly acquired time with.  The fact is that we used to be pretty close a while ago, and well right now, it kind of feels like we never used to talk in the first place; like neither of us ever got acquainted or had a conversation.  I feel awkward around her and I hate it a lot.  It's like all that time invested into getting to know each other and helping one another got taken from me and put onto someone else.  It's like I got replaced too.  I feel like I'm being totally irrational with this, which I probably am but whatever, but it's like I'm not the one she wants to spend her time with at all.  I've just been tossed aside and someone else has filled that spot that used to be mine.

Why?  Why is this happening?  Do I have to change myself or something?  Am I not interesting enough?  Is she bored with me?  Wow if that were the case, then I'd be heavily upset.  But as of right now, that's how I'm feeling about that.  I don't know what's going on at all, and yet again, she doesn't answer and of my messages.  I want to know if she's doing alright, but she won't give me the least bit of insight.  I'm just really confused.  I need to talk to her; really talk.

And with Bee...ugh I don't know either.  I was supposed to see her this week, but something happened, which she has yet to tell me about.  But now she's up seeing her boyfriend at his school, so I doubt she'd get back to me this weekend.  But at this moment, I feel closer to her than Christine, but that's only because we talk more; not on a regular basis, but every few days at least.  She promised to take me to a dance class in the city with her the next time she goes.  That should be fun, whenever that is.  But they've both promised me a lot of things.  One being that we'd hang out.  Yeah, that has yet to happen and it's been a year and 2 months practically.  Christine also promised me that when I turn 18, she'll take me to get my first tattoo.  I have no clue if she remembers that she made that promise, but I do.  It was right before the cruise when she told me and I won't forget it.  Something that would really disappoint me is if she wasn't around for that.  I'd want to do it with her.  That is if everything that's going on now changes.

You know, I don't even know if she realizes that any of this is happening.  She doesn't answer any of my messages to know how I'm feeling, so how could she?  But you'd think she'd have some kind of intuition or something...some kind of feeling that something's definitely not right.  Yeah, I guess not because she hasn't once asked me if I was okay.  And I'm not.  For many reasons. Does she even care?  I'm starting to wonder that.  How can you just get a message from someone, crying out for you and telling you that they need you and have to talk to you about things, and just ignore it?  I don't understand that at all.

And also stuff with Rachel.  I saw her today, but only barely.  I couldn't get a word in with every other person freaking out that she was there.  I probably didn't say 4 sentences to her the whole time.  I saw her in choir, but I was singing most of the time rather than talking.  And then she came to my lunch period and talked, but I kind of just listened as she told other people some stories that she had already told me before.  And then I saw her for like 20 minutes after school.  Saw, not talked to.  I watched as everyone else talked to her.  I'm not one to loiter around in a huddled group and not get a word in edgewise in.  Plus, I have my own things to talk to her about, and I'd rather not have an audience.

But it's ridiculous.  Everyone should grow up and not act like fucking five-year-olds who are locked in Disney World overnight when she comes.  They just orbit around her the entire time like she's a bright, shining planet and don't leave her alone.  It's really fucking annoying.  So I didn't really get to talk to her.  I was like a regular day if she hadn't come to visit because I practically said nothing just because I couldn't.  Then when she was leaving at 3:30 and I had to go into the auditorium for rehearsal, she gave me a hug and told me she loved me.  I just kind of stood there and didn't say anything, but then something just clicked in my head and I hugged her back and started to tear up a little, but I don't think she noticed that.  She noticed me tighten around her and rest my head on her chest, but I don't think she saw me crying.  Which is good, because then I wouldn't have been able to stop for a little.  I just miss her so much.  It's really hard not having her around all the time.

The other night when we were on the phone and I just started crying about some of the things we were talking about, but thats a different story, but still.  I just get really annoyed when I need to talk to her, but then there are all these other people in my way.  And I'm not a selfish person, so I won't shove my way through and steal her because I'm just so fucking courteous to everyone else even though I'm not really friends with them and don't give a shit about them.  I'll wait for time alone, but this time I didn't get it and that made me a little discouraged.

She's also not coming to my show in June.  She told me today over a fucking Facebook message, and just made it sound like no big deal.  Apparently she'll be out of the country.  What?!  I asked her where she'll be, but hey, yet another person who doesn't answer me when I message them.  She just said, "I can't come, I'll be out of the country then ): damnnn it"  Like really?  That's a big deal to me.  I'm actually really upset that she's not coming and then she just messaged me and made it sound like nothing at all.  "Oh, I won't be able to make it to the one highlight show of your year.  Sorrys!"  No.

Ugh there are just way too many problems and thoughts running through my mind at the moment.  And I'm really upset now.  Actually, I'm upset most of the time now.  Upset, depressed, empty, fragile; all of that, all the time now.  I don't know when I'm going to get over it.  Maybe never.  I'm thinking it's an age thing.  As I'm getting older and dealing with the things that happened to me at a young age, I'm starting to grasp and realize how much that impacts me now more than ever.  I need so many things, but none of them are within my reach.  And the people who used to help me cope with all of that are more distant than ever.

Fuck my life.

crack the shutters

AHHH FML.  Okay, sorry, I actually just yelled.  But anyways...this day has already gotten me so mad.  So i'm sitting in the new gym because for some reason we're not changing.  FINE WITH ME.  I walked to school this morning to basically find the entire student body walking back up the sidewalk on Piermont because someone apparently pulled the fire alarm.  But some people are also saying that there was a legit problem with something.  Fire trucks, police cars, and even an ambulance was called to the school and we were all outside on one of the side streets for like a half hour.  We're never out there for that long, so it must have been something, but whatevers!

okay, gym's almost over, but I'll come back and rant about my horrible day.

we are the absolute best.

Okay so I just got back from being at Isabel's house since like 7:00 last night.  It's now 1:31 in the morning and it was just another great night that I've had with her.  We talk.  A lot.  But about actual stuff going on.  It's great that I can have such amazing conversations with my friends.  It went from watching a movie, Zack and Miri Make a Porno to be specific, to talking about how some of our friends are a little messed up with dealing with things [[we're realistic, what can I say?]], to how people are just total conformists, and then how music is just following that same path of whining lead vocalists, screaming into the microphones and scene kids piercing their septums and wearing ripped clothing that make them look like disgusting hobos.  Like, really?  Is that totally necessary for you to go about your life in?  I don't think so.

Some people we know have just become so fake and they're just corrupting the ones around them and you know, maybe before we know it, we'll have a minor scene population ready to explode from the outskirts of Bergen County.  Sound good?  Fantastic.

What's wrong with just being yourself?  You don't have to waste your time with keeping up fake pretenses; drop the stupid façade and be who you know you are.  Cut the crap because no one has time to deal with your dishonest bullshit.  If you're fake with so many people and don't seem to have a care in the world about it, then how could you possibly be trustworthy?  I have no fucking idea.  UGH I can't take people like them, so you know what?  If they don't give a shit about the friends they lose, then fine by me.  I'm not going to sit around and wait for them to see the dawn of day force their eyes wide open.  I have better things to do with my time.

Maybe I'll come back to this rant a little later.  It's late and I have to get up in a few hours, so I might as well get some sleep in between now and then.

one step forward, two steps back

Who do I talk to when everyone around me won't listen?  It's like I'm on the FM frequency and everyone else is attuned to AM.  No one hears me no matter how loud I scream, and no one understands what goes through my mind because I can never find the words to tell them exactly what it is.  No one can ever empathize with me and every problem I have is kept locked away inside for me to figure out how to deal with on my own.  Because I just know that no one would ever understand and they would take it the wrong way.  How are people supposed to help me, if I don't talk to them?  You might think that, but I think of it in the way that people don't always necessarily know what to do about every single problem, so why waste my time if I already know the answer?

No one I know can empathize with me or give me good advice because they have no idea what the fuck they're talking about.  And every time I seem to think that I'm getting close with someone, they stop the connection right in it's tracks and I get left abandoned, fending for myself.  That's how it's always been and I'm finished looking for someone who can prove me wrong and actually stick with it.  Everyone bails and I'm left with nothing and feeling nothing and always feeling empty inside because that's what I am.  Each time that I may feel that someone can be able to be trusted with so many things that I want to tell them, everything just starts into a downward spiral and blows up in my face.  People make promises that are never kept and go back on their word.  They lie to me and then flaunt it right in front of my face as if I'm too naive to know that it's right in front of me in order to realize what they've done.  I'm sick of being taken advantage of and not being taken seriously.  I'm sick of getting somewhere that I want to be, but then something happens that I didn't expect which thrusts me back to square 1.  I'm sick of being blown off time and time again and then when something, if anything, good comes around, I don't take it because I'm afraid.

It's fear.  It's all around me and it's what defines me.  I'm so quiet because I'm afraid that I'll scream if I open my mouth.

I don't feel content anywhere anymore.  I don't feel at the height of my youth.  I feel it slipping away and I feel every inch closing in and I'm becoming more and more claustrophobic.

I'm not happy and I'm not radiant.  I have such dark thoughts in me and silence always seems like the best alternative.

It's not something I enjoy publicizing.  In fact, I've always used to think that because of everything I've been through, I've emerged stronger.  I've just opened my eyes and found out that it's something else entirely.  It doesn't make me feel strong at all.  Instead, I feel horribly fragile, like one word could shatter me.

like a runaway

Is it worth my friends getting mad at me if I don't want to tell them my real problems?  I don't want to be the one who upsets people by thrusting my problems on other people even though they say they want to know what's wrong.  I don't think it's fair to them.  They don't know what they're getting themselves into.  And they have to care, wouldn't they?  I know they want to help, but they just can't.  No one can help and that's the worst thing about everything.  

I don't feel like talking.  I wonder what people would say or think if I just didn't say anything for a while.  Would anyone miss my voice?  Would anyone want to see my bubbly attitude come back?  How should I know unless I do it?  But I don't think I'd be able to do something like that.  I'm not the one to be a mental mute.  Whatever.  I feel uneasy a lot of the time.  My stomach churns for the tiniest reasons.  I don't get much of anything.

there's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words

I have a lot of problems.  It's kind of plain and simple to me as the days pass and go on and I watch from afar all of the things that I wish could be, but it's not that way in reality. I wouldn't say a lot of problems, actually, but obviously one big one.  And that one big problem branches itself out and radiates out into all these other little things that always go wrong.  I've wanted to do so much, but I just don't have the capacity to hold it all inside me.  I've always looked at myself as an optimist, but now I always see myself, or thing to myself rather, that I'm changing that way I look at things.  I'm not changing exactly, but just my views are taking a slightly different direction than I would have expected them to go in the first place.

I always wanted to be that person.  I wanted to be the one person that would always see the beauty in things.  In anything I looked at, I would always try and decipher what could possibly be nice about it, but now I'm finding that I just don't care.  I'm feeling way too depressed for an optimistic person, so how could I possibly still be considered one if I don't meet the criteria?  I've had ups and downs, but never anything that feels this serious.  I have this feeling that there's something wrong with me.  I feel like I'm unwillingly changing.  I don't want to and I don't want to make it of notice, but that doesn't slow the process any second shorter.  I don't even know what I'm changing into and that's what scares the fuck out me.  How can I cope with something I don't understand, or better yet, something I don't want to happen?

Well that's easy.  I deal.  Always have and always will.  I fucking deal and take whatever happens with hardly any questions.  Actually, I try not to question it.  I think that although questions are supposed to be the perfect way to gain knowledge, they show weakness.  But who am I kidding?  I'm the weakest person I see when I look at everyone around me.  I feel so vulnerable and that all my problems are written all over me for everyone to read as they pass me by.  I feel like with every glance or with every odd gesture, someone's making some kind of advance that I'm not aware of.

I've never understood all of the things I've seen, nor do I really want to sometimes.  I don't want to understand why my mom died right in front of my eyes and I don't want to understand why people forget about so many important things.  I don't want to know why there is such utter discord and disregard for innocent feelings of other people and I don't know how in the midst of this fucked up life that I've tried to bandage together, everything still manages to fall apart.  I'm not a fucking masonry for Christ's sake.  I'm just trying to do the best I can and apparently it's not working out too well.

For months I've thought that I just need to have a really good talk with someone.  Just vent about everything and rant and rave and get angry and cry and just let everything flow out of me while having someone else absorb it, trying their best to empathize with me.  But I have yet to find anyone who is willing to step up to the challenge.  But you know, never mind.  I've actually just realized for some while that that's not what I want anymore.  I don't want to talk about my feelings.  I always thought that it would make me feel better and this incredible weight would just get lifted up and off of my shoulders and I would feel a world of good surround and embrace me, but I don't think that anymore.  Not now.  I don't think anyone can help.  They can try, but it's not going to do anything.

I find myself just sitting around and my mind always goes to one specific thing.  I've been thinking about my mom so much lately.  I've been thinking about when she died and how everyone told me I was a little trooper for everything I'd been through.  I've been closing my eyes and seeing her right in front of me; the last memory I have of her right before she left.  I keep seeing her in that hospital bed and she's hooked up to all of these wires.  I didn't know what they did, I still don't know, but I assumed they would be helping her.  I guess they didn't do their job correctly.  But I remember everything perfectly with uncanny visual dynamics.  I remember seeing her bald head from all the chemo-therapy chemicals.  All the radiation shit they injected into her with some hope that she would get better.  Her hair was just starting to grow back too.

And her right arm was rendered totally immobile.  It filled up with fluid and turned purple, almost like there were bruises everywhere.  Nothing had happened, she didn't hit it or anything for there to be a reason for internal bleeding, but I guess her circulation was shutting down in that area.  She couldn't talk anymore.  That's what I missed when I was standing there next to her.  I stood on her left side because I didn't want to look at her now non-circulating right arm.  It was too scary for me.  To think that was something that scared me compared to the gravity of more important things going on simultaneously.  But her voice was always something that calmed me.  That and her touch.  It was so soft.  She could hardly even move her head side-to-side, let alone the rest of her body.  When I touched her, I couldn't feel her warmth.  Everything was gone.  She hadn't held on to anything.  She was leaving and she knew it.  She didn't hold on to any of that warmth she always had.  Why should she?  There wasn't any point.  So what was the point for me still hoping for anything?  None.  There wasn't any at all.

The worst part was to look into her eyes.  There was nothing left of them.  She had really pretty, clear blue eyes.  The irises were so vibrant against the ebony white and charcoal pupils.  There used to be so much freedom in them.  I would look into them when I was really little and just always know that everything would be okay.  I would find reassurance for everything and all I needed for that was to look into the trusting eyes of my mother, but the blue was dull and faded.  It didn't stand out against the once ebony white that had now turned to a blunt yellow.  All the light had left every inch and corner of her soul and it was the most unbearable feeling.  She knew there wasn't any more that could be done.  She knew she'd lost and couldn't stand any more of a chance at getting a step closer to the idea of winning at that point.  She was dying and it was her last moments.  What more could anyone else do but let her go?  The pain to let go was the most struggling idea I've ever had to deal with.  I'm still going through it emotionally.  Obviously it's out of my hands physically.  There was no stopping that, but emotionally...I can't.

That's the image that I'm haunted with every single time I close my eyes.  I can't peacefully drift into dreams of fantasy or desire or any of that.  There's nothing I wouldn't do to have just one more chance to look into her eyes again.  But the more I think about something like that ever happening, the more insane I think I am.  I want it, but I don't.  And the only reason I say that is as much of the idea of how wonderful it would be for something like that to ever worldly happen, saying goodbye for the second time would be so much harder that I would ever imagine.  It's like you can't have something that has such an enormous price on it for a lesser bargain, you know?  You have to give more than what you have in exchange for something that may not last as long, but it seems well worth it at the time.

I'm never going to ever say that I'm going to try to forget because the memories that I have are all that I am.  And I can't give up either because that's where I get my strength.  I can't have one without the other.  It's like the bargain thing again except it's working in the opposite way now.  I have to stick with the bad memories to have everything better, but I'd want everything better to hinder them.  But still I have nothing to give.  I'm an empty person with nothing to offer anyone.  Who wants that?  I don't understand any of it.

I used to love laying in the grass at night and watching all of the starts twinkle.  I would always want my mom to come outside with me and see it for herself, but she never did.  So I would always find myself falling into the grass alone and losing myself in the blackness of night.  I don't do that anymore.  My grass is dead too.  I haven't done it in years.  It's as if everything died along with everything I loved.  I would just lay out in my front yard on my hill.  I have this hill with a big, massive pine tree on top of it.  I would go out and lay right under the tree so I was laying on the slope.  It would feel like the perfect recliner for staring up at the stars.  But there seem to be less and less stars in the sky visible to my eyes.  I don't know if that's just me or horrible pollution erasing all the the natural beauty of the world, but regardless of the earthly problems, everything has its time.  Everything dies and sometimes, as I've notice so diligently, most of the best things about life seem to die simultaneously.  And then they're gone.

the dust has only just begun to fall

So now today has been transformed into a half-day.  We had a stupid fucking bomb scare this morning at like 10:30 and we went to the elementary school again.  Last year it was a gas leak.  So are we going to alternate every other year now?  I guess.  Because the year before last, there was another bomb scare.  Come go to school at Pascack Valley!  Hah yeah.

Anyways, it's now a half-day.  It's "seventh" period and that means we didn't have to change for gym.  Yessss.  So I'm sitting here and I'm so beyond bored and way too overtired to be pleasant.  I also haven't eaten anything all day too.  I'm so fucking hungry, but I don't have any money.  I have to get a job like PRONTO.  I need money, it's not even funny.  This economy situation is getting pretty bad now.  I don't like it.

I really wanna see Brandi.  We've been having a serious communication problem lately.  I text her, I wait for her response, I go to sleep, and then I wake up the next morning for school and look at my phone to see that she responded to my text while I was already asleep.  It's getting me so mad that I cannot find a decent time to talk to this girl.  We have all of next week off so I wanna fix that and see her.  It's her birthday next Friday on the 20th, but I doubt I'll be seeing her on her birthday.  She'll probably be with her boyfriend.  The one who I still haven't met, but I don't know.  She's come to me a few times about things to do because some stuff's happened between them.  And I keep telling her that I wouldn't know as much as she would because I have yet to be in that kind of relationship yet.  But I'm pretty good with situations and handling things, so I helped her and I think she's okay.  I miss her a lot.

I miss Christine too.  Oh my god, I felt like such an idiot.  The whole time I was trying to text her and talk to her because I just needed someone so bad, her phone's screen was broken.  Fucking broken.  And all that time, I thought she was ignoring me or not reading my messages or something.  I feel like such a douche for thinking that because of course she cares.  I can't even recount all the numerous times she's told me she loves me and has meant it every time.  So I have no clue why I thought that.  No, I do.  I over-think and blow things out of proportion WAY too much when the situation's so little.  I take everything out of hand.  I guess I can't grasp the idea of simplicity.  Alright, well I hope that I see her sometime soon too.  She said that with school being so busy, she doesn't have that much free time on her hands, but I hope she can find some.  I haven't hung out with her at all.  Never.  The only times I see her are at MDI related things.  So yeah.  I don't know.

Hmm, what else?  I talked to Marlene on the way back to the high school from the bomb scare safe-zone.  Well, I talked or at least I tried to.  She didn't really seem like she wanted to carry on much of a conversation.  She was sick, coughing and shit, but whatever.  I tried to ask if she wanted to do something over break and she was thinking out loud of the idea of getting a whole group.  I don't think she got the hint that I kind of just want to talk and hang out with her alone.  We have a lot to talk about and I would prefer if we didn't have an audience.

I also really want to reconnect with Shayna sometime soon too.  I miss her.  I miss so many people who I used to be so close with and now our actions between each other have been reduced to maybe 30-second conversations and waves and hello's in the hallways as we pass each other.  I don't like it at all.  I have so many people whom I used to be such good friends with and now they seem like strangers.  The same with Robin.  I've been seeing her all day today, like legit, everywhere I've been going and I've been thinking the same about her too.  I want to talk to her again, be friends like we used to be.  I know she's a senior and all, but that shouldn't matter.  I used to have really intense talks with her and now we seriously don't talk at all.  Just pass-by's in the hallways as always.

I want to fix so many things, but it's like there isn't enough time for everything now.  Everything's being jammed together and I can't even find the time to breathe.  I don't know what's going on and things are happening at light speed, whizzing past me before I have any time at all to regain my composure and just think about what just happened.  I'm losing myself and I need to gain my control back.  Desperately.  That's all for now.

because you're paper thin & it's visible

There's nothing to do so of course, I plug in my iPod and lose myself.  Everyone else around me is doing homework, but I can't do mine because I don't have the stupid password for the online textbook.  Go figure, I guess.  So whatever.  Sitting isn't so bad.  I'm just kind of soaking in everything that's going on around me.  Fucking obnoxious douchebags arguing about something totally having nothing to do with the real world right behind me.  I can hear them a little bit.  And that says a lot since I'm all but bursting my eardrums with my music.  I bet they have nothing good to do with their lives.  They're the kind of idiots who wear their jeans practically just above their crotches.  Why did that ever become a trend for anyone?  It's disgusting.  I, along with a lot of other people probably, don't want to see someone walking around with their boxers hanging out of the stretch line of their jeans all the time.  And why do it?  I will not believe for a second that it's not uncomfortable.

There's another table of guys diagonally behind me who sound just like the ones behind me.  They're all the same.  I haven't met a truly unique person in a while.  What happened to originality?  Does everyone have to be the same now?  Do they all have to wear their jeans at the same way-too-low level and talk in the same sonic frequencies?  I guess that's the way to be a peace-disturbing asshole these days.  Stand up and shout for no apparent reason to draw attention to yourself and then sit back down leaving everyone around you wondering why you just did that.  So it's all about them.  Even if no one gives a shit, it still is.  How exciting.