& there's no one here...

So I'm sitting here at my lunch table.  It's just Ryan and I, all our other friends are either doing something with their teachers or sick today.  Which kind of sucks, but whatever.  I've been thinking lately...I've been listening to so many songs and with the musical coming up, I'll be dancing so much.  I really want to choreograph something of my own to dance.  I want to listen to a really great song, and then just dance it.  

Make something meaningful that I'll always remember when I hear that song or something.  Yeah, that's all I wanted to say.  I want to choreograph.  I wasn't doing anything in choir today, so I was just listening to my iPod, sitting there, coming up with different things and fooling around with steps in my head to see what would work.  It's something I think I could do and it could end up being really great.  But knowing me, I won't perform anything until I think it's perfect and ready for people to see.  So yeah.  I'll get on that when I have nothing to do.  Okay.  Yes. =D

i'll stand here so i can catch you if you faint

So today after school were the Seussical auditions.  And I was fucking nervous as hell.  I'd just learned my song last night with Mrs. Simet and I also couldn't stop the stomach-churning feeling despite my best efforts to do so.  I'd also never auditioned with these directors before, so I was also meeting them for the first time.  Which also scared me shitless because Mr. Lupfer is an intimidating-looking person.

So i spent an hour and a half after school practicing my song.  And then I went home to calm myself down [[my audition slot wasn't until 6:15]].  I got home and sang my song again about 10+ times until I got a little bored of it.  That's when I knew I should stop and I had it down and I was comfortable.  I was ready and there wasn't anything else I could do.  It was almost time, so I had to just go and face it and hope to do my best.

So I got to the school at around 5:45 and it turned out that the directors were running REALLY ahead of schedule because some people didn't show up.  So my friend tells me that I'm going in just 5 minutes, when I was really supposed to be waiting around for a half hour.  Yeah.  THAT'S when I started to get that stomach-churning feeling again.  But I went in and did my thing.  I was so nervous, it was almost obvious.  I introduced myself to the two directors [[they're husband and wife]] and told them what I would be singing, "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line.  I gave my sheet music to the pianist and told him to play at "an even tempo" and follow me for the first que.

Okay, so first off, the pianist wasn't my favorite.  He was going WAY too slow and not keeping up with me and taking pauses and stopping whenever I held out a note, so I got so confused.  And then I was too busy worrying about that, so I forgot about 2 or 3 seconds towards the end and just kind of ad-libbed until I remembered where I was at.  I was so embarrassed though!  I forgot the words and then I remembered what was going on and finished.  I can't really explain what happened, but I hope they took it for someone who was so nervous because they didn't me and I didn't know them and everyone is nervous to audition for things.

So yeah, I ended the song and was so pissed at the pianist, but then Mr. Lupfer spoke to me and asked me, of all things, to take my hair down.  I had it in a ponytail while auditioning and I really didn't think it would be a problem or anything.  If anything, I thought it would help; get my hair out of my face as opposed to being down, you know?  But I complied and took it down and they looked at me for a second or two.  Then it was Mrs. Lupfer who spoke, asking me about my dancing, referring to my audition form where I talked a little about my years of experience.  She wanted to know my strongest styles and which one I liked the best.  I told them both my honest answers.   I said I would put it between lyrical, modern, and tap and my strongest and as for my favorites, I said that for as many years that I've been dancing, it's not about the individual styles that I love, but the passion that comes out of doing something I enjoy so much.  They really seems to like my answers very much and said they would see me tomorrow at dance auditions.  And I'm kind of convinced that I'm going to kick ass at those seeing as most of the kids who try out for the dramas and musicals can sing, but they're hardly dance oriented.  Hahah I'm excited to show off.

So you know, overall, it was a pretty solid audition, I think.  I'm confident that they'll overlook that one mess-up at the end of my song and take into consideration my experience and all.  So I'm hoping that I get the part I had in mind, but I'd be grateful for anything, really.  I'm not even nervous for dance auditions tomorrow.  My friend, Maja, who's been in all the high school productions so far, says that with all my experience and the lack of every one else's, I'll just possibly be bored with everything.  Haha I hope it's really as easy as she says it's going to be.  But hey, I always love a challenge when it comes to dance.  We'll see.

i'll come to you in pieces

Alright, so I have a problem here.  Have you ever woken up one morning and the people who you used to be really close with aren't really that friendly with you anymore?  And no, I don't mean literally occurring overnight, but I mean as a gradual time period goes on, you see and notice a friendship diminishing for whatever reason.  It comes down to this: you don't talk, you hardly see each other, and you think that there's nothing that you can do about it.  So what is there to do if you think there isn't anything you can do about it?

There might not be anything you can do about it, but you know, you can give the old college try at least.  Well, not in this sense, but you know what I mean.  You can try and rekindle that friendship in the hopes that there's still something there.  And if not, well then, there's really not much to do about it.  Just to go and get on with your life, I guess.  I mean, that seems to be the more practical approach, if you ask me.  And if you really think about it, the person who won't accept you as a friend now, being that you've drifted apart over time, probably wasn't much of a real friend to you when you were friends to begin with, back in the days when you were friends and saw each other on a somewhat regular basis.

Think about it...if the person's not willing to be friends again after however long of a period of time that you two really weren't that close, then what made them such a good friend in the first place?  I don't know why someone would want someone like that in their lives.  But I'm getting sidetracked.  That's not what I wanted to talk about, but that thought just kind of crossed my mind.  What I did want to talk about what what was going on with me though.  It's basically that situation though.  Minus the "not being friends again" part because I haven't approached her about it just yet.  Though, I really do want to, I have to say, I'm kind of conscious of what she'll think.

Okay, so here's the gist.  So for the past year, I've been really good friends with this girl who I met the summer before going into high school together.  We would be going to school together in the fall and I hadn't met her before because she was from Rivervale.  So she's a pretty down-to-earth kind of girl.  And she likes what I like.  Dance, that is.  She's amazing at what she does.  Dance team technique, though.  I'm all studio, so there's some conflict there but whatever, I really could care less.  It's not like we bicker about better techniques or anything, that's stupid.  But anyways, we got to being really great friends over freshman year, but you know, this summer going into sophomore year, we kind of got to see each other less and less as the time went on.  No, not even at the start of the summer.  I could kind of tell that it was all happening a little before that even.

So as of right now, we don't talk at all, minus the ever-exchanged "hello's" whenever I see her in the hallway.  And not to make her sound like a bitch, but I'm lucky if I ever get a response...or a smile.  Which is weird, and I do kind of find it a little inconsiderate.  It's like I'm not even there and she just breezes past me in some kind of bubble zone that totally tunes me out.  And I do want to confront her, I really do.  Well, not like confront, like totally rage on her for whatever, but I want to talk to her to see if she feels the same way as I do.  Because we used to talk A LOT and about really touchy things and it always felt good talking to someone.  And I really miss it.  I miss everything.  Talking, hanging out, walking all the way from her house to Dairy Queen in Bi State Plaza [[my GOD that was the longest walk ever, it took like 2 1/2 hours!]].  It was all so fun and it's like whenever our eyes met, none of that happened at all.  It does make me sad.

So I'm sort of committed to rebuild this relationship with her.  She's a sweet girl and I keep hearing all of these things that happened to her at parties and how she broke up with her boyfriend [[who hooked up with someone RIGHT after they broke up the first time and she was trying to get over him so everyone basically hated him for doing that to her, but then she took him back.  which I think was a stupid move, but it's all done and over now]].  And I mean, I just really want to be there for her and help her out with whatever and just do something to make it feel like we're friends again.

Ahh I don't even know.  All of this is just so out of whack, I don't even know what to really even say about it.  I want to talk to her, so I think I will.  I mean, someone can't possibly not have a heart and just disband people like there's no tomorrow, right?  Right.  Yeah.  Okay.

a lot of things at once

Okay, so I haven't posted in a while, but there have been a lot of things going on lately, actually.  So I probably should've been posting to make me feels better about them because that's what I usually do, but for some reason, I didn't.  I can't really answer why, but I'll just make up for that right now.

Alright, so I guess I'll start with some things that have been going on with Steve.  He never seems to show it in French class, he always seems so happy and glad to be around us, since it's such a small class and everything.  And until about a few weeks ago, that's how I saw him.  I never realized all if the things that had been going on for a few months lately.  And I don't know why it's kicking in now, but it's basically all Rebecca-induced sulking.  And I said I didn't understand why it was kicking in now because they broke up over nine months ago, now.  But he's just been doing really bad things to himself for the past couple of months; drinking, mixing pills [[pain killers, anything he can get his hands on]] with alcohol, just breaking down and sobbing.  He says he can handle it, being around Rebecca, but just the other night, last Saturday night, he bolted out of Sophie's house, with no shoes or jacket on, got half-way down the street until Sophie caught up with him, and just started sobbing outside, right there.  His mom's gotten involved and he's gotten a therapist, but I don't think any of that will work.  I know they say time heals everything, but is over nine months really enough to heal a broken heart when it wasn't even supposed to be intentionally broken in the first place?  Rebecca didn't really want to go out with Steve, but she's really too much of a push-over to say no to anyone, and she felt bad.  So after a while, she had to cut it off because it was going nowhere.  I never thought it would ever, in a million years, effect him like this.

And then, just a couple of weeks ago, I was with Rebecca at my house, watching a movie, when Sophie called me.  She asks me, "how would you feel and what would you say if Steve wanted to ask you out?"  And I mean, WHAT?!  I had just started talking to him online for a few weeks now and we were talking pretty friendly and everything, but I would never think of Steve like that in any way.  He's more of a brother to me, if anything else.  But anyway, I thought about that for a long time that night and talked with Rebecca about it.  It was going to have to be a no if he ever asked me.  But he hasn't yet, so I kind of just disregarded it.  I don't think he'd be in the right frame of mind for anything anyway; being "in love" with Rebecca and then asking someone else out to try and get over her.  1. that's using someone, and 2. that's not fair in any way to someone else.  So yeah.  That ends that.  I'm really worried about him and I can only hope that it will get better soon.

And something else that's been on my mind for a while.  This, today, is now the fifth Christmas that my family and I have spent together without my mom here.  That took a toll on me for the few weeks in anticipation for it, and last night and today also.  I was at Sophie's house on Tuesday night and towards the end of the night, I was just sitting there, thinking about it; blocking out everything else.  It wasn't until Sophie all but shouted my name to break me out of my little trance to make sure I was still breathing or something like that.  But it gets bad sometimes.  I miss her so much, it's so hard to come by.  Just a few weeks ago...I think in the beginning of the month, I had a really bad breakdown and Rachel helped me out.  That went until about 2:30 in the morning.  And, of course, I had school the nest day, but I didn't care.  I was just a wreck.  That happens every so often.  But I really get upset around any family oriented holiday, really.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and it's not like I'm a debby-downer for the entire night, stay secluded in a corner, but you can see it in my face; in my eyes.  I'm in agony and a part of my heart is missing from it's place.  It's like a puzzle.  It can never be truly whole until every piece is put into place, correctly and exactly.  That's when everything fits and there's no room for error.  That's not the case here.  But I do like the fact that she's still there with us, having fun and celebrating with the family as if she was still here.  That thought does, somewhat, bring the light back into my eyes for a little bit.

This year's Christmas was really nice.  We had Christmas Eve at my Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Steven's house and the usual family was there.  It was full of mingling, laughs, the second best chocolate cake I've ever had [[I say that because I had to pick the nuts out of the frosting...ew]], a wonderful family atmosphere, and you know what else?  It was warm; I felt warm.  Now, I'm a genuinely cold person.  I freeze everywhere.  But not last night.  I wasn't cold at all.  And I don't perceive that as 'Oh, they had the heat on high,' but I think of it as if I was in higher spirits than usual.  I liked that a lot.  I like anything that changes how I normally feel; but not something that numbs me.  Because then I can't feel anything at all.  And I don't like having no feeling.

This morning, actual Christmas day, was pleasant.  I made pancakes for my brothers [[not making them too watery with milk because that's how I like them, but my brothers hate when I do that, so I made them their way]] and my Uncle Richard and Aunt Nikki came over.  Everyone had coffee, but me and Phil, and we exchanged presents.  I really could care less about the presents.  They don't mean anything to me.  Yes, it's the social norm to give gifts on Christmas, but I mean, that's not what it's about.  And I know everyone's heard this before, "Oh it's not about the presents, it's about giving to someone else."  But giving to someone else...what exactly?  There's endless possibilities of things you can give someone.  Yes, you can give someone the most lavish gift to sway them, but is it really going to make then thankful for you?  I don't think so.

And because my family isn't one to spend all day with each other on Christmas, I went to the movies with Sophie and we saw Marley & Me.  We were going to go to Garden State and see it because we seriously figured that since it was Christmas, no one would really be seeing movies, but were we WRONG.  It was TOTALLY packed and of course, the movie was sold out for the showing we had gotten there for.  So we went to Westwood to get tickets for the 5:00 showing.  We walked in, and I saw Shayna and her sister sitting against the wall and I suddenly felt kind of happy that Garden State had been sold out after all.  The movie was great and yes, I did start crying at the end.  But I couldn't help but think about something towards the end of the movie and when I got home.  I couldn't help but think about Shayna and I as friends.  We got pretty close at the end of freshman year and over the summer, but you know, since sophomore year started, we kind of haven't talked or anything as much as we really used to.  I don't know, I kind of miss it, now that I've thought about it.  I mean, we were never really close like, OH YEAH BEST FRIENDS, but she was a great person to talk to whenever we did.  And, whether she knows or realizes it at all, she actually helped me a lot.  I would feel comfortable talking to her about basically anything, which I really never felt with most people.  I've always had trust issues and never really opened up to many people.  I still don't.  It has to be someone who I really let into my comfort zone.  I can even say that I'm not like that with some of my closest friends.  As I think about it, it's really the people that someone would never expect.  But that's okay and I don't mind in the slightest.  I don't think it's a bad thing that I can't trust people sometimes.  They're my feelings and I can choose the people I want to share them with, right?  That's how I see it.  It's not like I pick people randomly either.  Oh okay, so I'll devout my inner-most thoughts to this person today, but who tomorrow?  No.  It just happens.  And I won't say that it's not something that I don't have control over because that's not true.  But it's almost like something that just comes out without me having to think about it, or who I'm talking to, really.

So that's it.  Maybe I'll go into some more detail in the next few days.  I actually hope to.  I've waited too long to keep things bottled in.  That's when it all explodes and I can't contain anything without having a mass wreckage of defeat rush through me.  Ugh, I hate days like those.  But I must face them, whether I like it or not.  It's a part of my life, but not a part that I wish was never there.  I've been told that I'm "the epitome of a strong fighter."  And I like that description...I want to keep it with me, always.

My absolute favorite. <3

& it just eats away at everything in sight

We haven't talked in so long, does she even realize?  I try to bring it up and it just explodes in my face when she doesn't respond.  I don't know what else to do.  Maybe something will make it right.  Nothing feels the same anymore.  I miss my big sister; I need her.  Why can't she see that?

what a sick, masochistic lion

Alright, I went to see Twilight last night/this morning and it was TOTALLY worth it.  It was amazing and just what I thought it would be like.  All of the actors did an incredible time in their characters and I was just so impressed.  I really didn't expect it to stay true to the story that much, but it really did.  Although they left out a lot of important parts and did some things differently in the movie than in the book, but it's whatevers and it's done, so there's really not point to be annoyed about it although it did bother me.  But all in all, it was so great and I can't believe that this whole thing started back in February and  was anticipating it for so long and it finally came.  That's crazy insane.

I'm in school right now, but I'll get back more on this later when I'm home.  OH and Brandi's coming today! AHHH I'M SO EXCITED.  I haven't seen her in forever and I just CANNOT wait for this day at school to be over and go to dance and see her.  So I'll talk about that more later.  AH! =D ♥

what's this secret?...

I haven't seen Brandi since June 21st [[recital]] and she's coming on Friday!  I am super excited.  We talked for like an hour and a half last night and it was so nice.  She says that she has something to tell me and the girls when she sees us.  And just the fact that she told me she had to tell me something and then DIDN'T is making me so crazy.  Because you know, she tells me she has something to tell me and then makes me wait for it until I see her, it's agonizing!  And her response is, "...women have been in labor for longer than that!  You'll live, ginster..."  Hah of course I will, but I wanna know so badly!  But I'm more excited to actually see her.  I can't wait at all.

And Nicole and I are going to the midnight showing of Twilight on Thursday night/Friday morning!  I'm stoked to see it.  I've been waiting for FOREVER.  Since February and its finally here...that's crazy insane.  So we got our tickets online so they're nice and secured for us and now all we have to do is show up and get them.  I CANNOT possibly wait for the end of this week with these two things going on.  It's going to be the absolute BEST.  =D