Okay, so I haven't posted in a while, but there have been a lot of things going on lately, actually. So I probably should've been posting to make me feels better about them because that's what I usually do, but for some reason, I didn't. I can't really answer why, but I'll just make up for that right now.
Alright, so I guess I'll start with some things that have been going on with Steve. He never seems to show it in French class, he always seems so happy and glad to be around us, since it's such a small class and everything. And until about a few weeks ago, that's how I saw him. I never realized all if the things that had been going on for a few months lately. And I don't know why it's kicking in now, but it's basically all Rebecca-induced sulking. And I said I didn't understand why it was kicking in now because they broke up over nine months ago, now. But he's just been doing really bad things to himself for the past couple of months; drinking, mixing pills [[pain killers, anything he can get his hands on]] with alcohol, just breaking down and sobbing. He says he can handle it, being around Rebecca, but just the other night, last Saturday night, he bolted out of Sophie's house, with no shoes or jacket on, got half-way down the street until Sophie caught up with him, and just started sobbing outside, right there. His mom's gotten involved and he's gotten a therapist, but I don't think any of that will work. I know they say time heals everything, but is over nine months really enough to heal a broken heart when it wasn't even supposed to be intentionally broken in the first place? Rebecca didn't really want to go out with Steve, but she's really too much of a push-over to say no to anyone, and she felt bad. So after a while, she had to cut it off because it was going nowhere. I never thought it would ever, in a million years, effect him like this.
And then, just a couple of weeks ago, I was with Rebecca at my house, watching a movie, when Sophie called me. She asks me, "how would you feel and what would you say if Steve wanted to ask you out?" And I mean, WHAT?! I had just started talking to him online for a few weeks now and we were talking pretty friendly and everything, but I would never think of Steve like that in any way. He's more of a brother to me, if anything else. But anyway, I thought about that for a long time that night and talked with Rebecca about it. It was going to have to be a no if he ever asked me. But he hasn't yet, so I kind of just disregarded it. I don't think he'd be in the right frame of mind for anything anyway; being "in love" with Rebecca and then asking someone else out to try and get over her. 1. that's using someone, and 2. that's not fair in any way to someone else. So yeah. That ends that. I'm really worried about him and I can only hope that it will get better soon.
And something else that's been on my mind for a while. This, today, is now the fifth Christmas that my family and I have spent together without my mom here. That took a toll on me for the few weeks in anticipation for it, and last night and today also. I was at Sophie's house on Tuesday night and towards the end of the night, I was just sitting there, thinking about it; blocking out everything else. It wasn't until Sophie all but shouted my name to break me out of my little trance to make sure I was still breathing or something like that. But it gets bad sometimes. I miss her so much, it's so hard to come by. Just a few weeks ago...I think in the beginning of the month, I had a really bad breakdown and Rachel helped me out. That went until about 2:30 in the morning. And, of course, I had school the nest day, but I didn't care. I was just a wreck. That happens every so often. But I really get upset around any family oriented holiday, really. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and it's not like I'm a debby-downer for the entire night, stay secluded in a corner, but you can see it in my face; in my eyes. I'm in agony and a part of my heart is missing from it's place. It's like a puzzle. It can never be truly whole until every piece is put into place, correctly and exactly. That's when everything fits and there's no room for error. That's not the case here. But I do like the fact that she's still there with us, having fun and celebrating with the family as if she was still here. That thought does, somewhat, bring the light back into my eyes for a little bit.
This year's Christmas was really nice. We had Christmas Eve at my Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Steven's house and the usual family was there. It was full of mingling, laughs, the second best chocolate cake I've ever had [[I say that because I had to pick the nuts out of the frosting...ew]], a wonderful family atmosphere, and you know what else? It was warm; I felt warm. Now, I'm a genuinely cold person. I freeze everywhere. But not last night. I wasn't cold at all. And I don't perceive that as 'Oh, they had the heat on high,' but I think of it as if I was in higher spirits than usual. I liked that a lot. I like anything that changes how I normally feel; but not something that numbs me. Because then I can't feel anything at all. And I don't like having no feeling.
This morning, actual Christmas day, was pleasant. I made pancakes for my brothers [[not making them too watery with milk because that's how I like them, but my brothers hate when I do that, so I made them their way]] and my Uncle Richard and Aunt Nikki came over. Everyone had coffee, but me and Phil, and we exchanged presents. I really could care less about the presents. They don't mean anything to me. Yes, it's the social norm to give gifts on Christmas, but I mean, that's not what it's about. And I know everyone's heard this before, "Oh it's not about the presents, it's about giving to someone else." But giving to someone else...what exactly? There's endless possibilities of things you can give someone. Yes, you can give someone the most lavish gift to sway them, but is it really going to make then thankful for you? I don't think so.
And because my family isn't one to spend all day with each other on Christmas, I went to the movies with Sophie and we saw Marley & Me. We were going to go to Garden State and see it because we seriously figured that since it was Christmas, no one would really be seeing movies, but were we WRONG. It was TOTALLY packed and of course, the movie was sold out for the showing we had gotten there for. So we went to Westwood to get tickets for the 5:00 showing. We walked in, and I saw Shayna and her sister sitting against the wall and I suddenly felt kind of happy that Garden State had been sold out after all. The movie was great and yes, I did start crying at the end. But I couldn't help but think about something towards the end of the movie and when I got home. I couldn't help but think about Shayna and I as friends. We got pretty close at the end of freshman year and over the summer, but you know, since sophomore year started, we kind of haven't talked or anything as much as we really used to. I don't know, I kind of miss it, now that I've thought about it. I mean, we were never really close like, OH YEAH BEST FRIENDS, but she was a great person to talk to whenever we did. And, whether she knows or realizes it at all, she actually helped me a lot. I would feel comfortable talking to her about basically anything, which I really never felt with most people. I've always had trust issues and never really opened up to many people. I still don't. It has to be someone who I really let into my comfort zone. I can even say that I'm not like that with some of my closest friends. As I think about it, it's really the people that someone would never expect. But that's okay and I don't mind in the slightest. I don't think it's a bad thing that I can't trust people sometimes. They're my feelings and I can choose the people I want to share them with, right? That's how I see it. It's not like I pick people randomly either. Oh okay, so I'll devout my inner-most thoughts to this person today, but who tomorrow? No. It just happens. And I won't say that it's not something that I don't have control over because that's not true. But it's almost like something that just comes out without me having to think about it, or who I'm talking to, really.
So that's it. Maybe I'll go into some more detail in the next few days. I actually hope to. I've waited too long to keep things bottled in. That's when it all explodes and I can't contain anything without having a mass wreckage of defeat rush through me. Ugh, I hate days like those. But I must face them, whether I like it or not. It's a part of my life, but not a part that I wish was never there. I've been told that I'm "the epitome of a strong fighter." And I like that description...I want to keep it with me, always.
