so many broken pieces that get harder & harder to fix.

I never thought it would be this hard.

It must take more time to get over.

I thought I would be fine.

It must be the optimism talking.

I can never look at her picture and contain myself.

It must be the thoughts I know will come to mind.

I don't notice the tears streaming down my face.

It must have something to do with me tuning everything else out.

I never had anyone to teach me so many things.

It must be why I still don't know so much.

I try to be okay.

It never works out how I want.

I try not to let it take me over.

It always does anyway.

I can see that so many people don't understand.

It's true.

I don't know what else to say.

It's over and done with.

And yet I still feel the exact same way that I did 5 years ago.

parlez-vous?

It's always French class.  We ALWAYS have a sub.  It's great.  Nicole's sitting with me and we're not doing the worksheet our teacher gave us because the network is "down."  TOTALLY LEGIT though.  I'm serious.  But for some fun reason, Blogger is in fact working.  Go figure?  I'm not complaining.

So the cruise was AHHHMAZING.  End of story.  We kick ass on the performance that was on Sunday at 5.  That whole day we were rehearsing so we were all really tired that day, but we still gave it our all.  And the night before, I was with Lisa and Robert, Jess, Nikki, Christine, Sam, Nicole, and Katie and Dom in the lounge and bar just hanging out.  They were so much fun, I wish I would have hung out with them for more of the trip.  The girls in my age group are great and all, I mean don't get me wrong; I love them, but they were just so boring.  Lisa and the girls were way more fun.  And that day of the performance, my song went SO WELL.  I was so surprised.  It's always like the day of the performance that I'll actually get something absolutely right, which is probably really bad because I should have had it down a while before, but I didn't.  But everyone said that it sounded amazing and I gave them chills and I made them cry and so on and so forth.

And then after the show, it turned out that the professional Royal Caribbean Singers & Dancers were in the audience, watching the show and they stayed after, sitting on the stage, waiting to talk to ME.  That was probably the greatest feeling that I got.  They said that I just blew them away with my singing ability and my voice and being able to sing a song like that at the age that I am and everything.  And they said that I had such a stage presence and such face and attitude that everytime they saw me dancing, their eyes were drawn to me.  It was insane.  And then one of the male singers, his name was Shy I think, said that he thought there were two of me since he kept seeing me in every other number.  Hah I was in 8 out of 12, so I understand if he thought there were two of me.  But there weren't.  It was all me, and my quick changes and everything.  I also have no clue how I got my quick changes done with the huge backstage.  I had to run around and change and get back on in like 30 seconds.  I didn't even make it for Swing so Katie [[my partner]] waited until I was ready and then we did THE BEST cover up when coming on stage, it was great.  And I was so sad that it was over.  It was only a 30 minuter performance so it went by really fast.  But still...we started practicing for this in July.  That's five months to get ready for a 30 minute show.  But anyway, it was just an incredible experience with the studio and I wish we never left.  Ugh coming back to the cold weather was not great at all.

And waiting for 3 hours in the airport before our plane boarded coming home was THE BEST.  Hah were such horrible people, but we love us.  We spent our time just sitting around, hanging out and talking and then in the last hour, we ended up writing about 2 pages of a Hindu rap that we're apparently videotaping at the studio tomorrow.  Hah it was great.  Christine taped the whole thing at the airport and it's now on facebook.  Every time I watch it, I just crack up and laugh for about 15 minutes.  I love MDI ♥

OH!  And Christine got another tattoo on...Wednesday?  Yeah, I think that's when she got it.  But I didn't think she was going to get it that fast.  She told me about it a few weeks before the cruise and said she would get it soon but I didn't know it was THAT soon.  She said she didn't either, but she called Starlight to make an appointment and the guy said he had an opening that day, so she went for it!  She didn't get the quote that she was going to get because it was already $200 as it was and it would have taken up too much room.  She got it on the back of her neck, and I think it looks great on her.  I love it so much.  It's the mother/daughter symbol she told me about and the bottom looks like an upside-down ribbon so she shaded that in with pink for Breast Cancer.  I had actually found the same exact symbol when I was looking for stuff to do with my tattoo [[yeah it's a while before that happens, I'm getting it senior year and Steen's taking me!]] so I guess I can't use THAT one, but she can help me when it gets closer.  I have a while.  Damn, I love that girl.

my heart's skipped a beat.

Alright so it's fifth period in Chamber and we have a sub.  We're watching Across the Universe, but OF COURSE I watched it like three nights ago because I was in the mood.  So I'm not paying any attention.  Although, I must admit, Jim Sturgess' voice is kind of addicting.  KIND OF.  But ANYWAYS the cruise is in 2 days.  TWO FUCKING DAYS.  OHMYGOD.  I'm so excited, I can't even like describe it.  I have to do so much before we leave though.  I have to sew the majority of my costumes: hem, velcrow, hook.  And then there's packing.  I don't even know where to start with what to pack.  It's insane.  I have to go into the studio tomorrow after school to rehearse my song for the performance.  It's OKAY but not how I want it to sound.  And I know that I'm cutting it close with leaving in 2 days, but still.  And I rented Dreamgirls last night and watched it to get the feeling and emotion of the song because Lisa said that it sounded "too pretty."  So hopefully that will go alright.

I still have to get my video camera to document the entire trip and the Twilight soundtrack came out today!  AHH!  So I want to go and buy that and have it on my iPod for the plane ride and such.  I'm also bringing the movie with me on the trip.  It's due in a week from yesterday and I'm coming back a day later, but who cares?  No more late fees at Blockbuster, right?!  =D

I'm so excited for the plane ride.  I don't know who I'm sitting next to though.  But I don't care.  I hope I sit next to Christine though.  Hah she's always fun.  Obviously, of course.  We really haven't spent enough time together lately though.  During the 2 weekend rehearsals, we got to talking and texting a lot though.  It felt like how we used to be back in January-February.  I miss that.  We don't really talk as much as we used to.  I hope that changes quickly.

I'm going to Christine's [[Zafran]] house tomorrow night and sleeping over because the car they hired to take us to and from the airport is picking us up at 5 in the morning on Thursday.  And I'm sure they thought that my dad wouldn't want to get up at 4:30 in the morning to take me to their house to leave.  But they won't let us pay for ANYTHING.  They're too nice.  I love her.  And I'm staying in their room during the cruise because my dad's not going.  He's terrified of cruise ships.  Actually, any ship.  He hates being confided to a ship while on the ocean.  I wish he was going though.  I don't know if videotaping is allowed during our performance.  Probably not, if I know from experience.  And it will probably be sold for maybe like $75.  But if that's the only way to get it, then I will if videotaping with my camera is beyond strictly forbidden.  But whatever.  I'll know when I get there.  AHHHHHHH!  I'm so excited.  But anyways, I have homework to do right now.  I could be using this time wisely so I won't have to do all of it when I get home ALONG with doing all the stuff I have to do before I leave for Christine's tomorrow night.  YAY LET'S DO THIS.

just saying...

I love Christine Marie Lacey and I have no clue what I would do without her in my life.  The End.

♥

I can't replace

I love how you can walk outside and clearly see that autumn has grabbed the end of October and changed it against its will.  I see yellow, red, and orange leaves all day now; all over.  It looks so beautiful, I can't possibly take it all in.  I think everyone has lost the appreciation for the pure, straight-forward gifts of nature.  We take the color-changed leaves for granted; the snow and all its splendor falling to the ground gracefully, slowly but surely enveloping the ground in an ice cold, frosted blanket by night, only to be disturbed and ruined by our escapades.  Who are we to disturb the internal balance of nature and its beauty?  It's almost like a dying art, the change of seasons.  Everybody in this world disregards it and perceives it as the ordinary. But whenever it takes place, whenever the cycle continues to repeat itself, it's completely different as the occurrence beforehand.  Each time is special and unique; a time of grace and precision truly all its own.

you know who you are.

It's been a long time.  Almost nine months on the 14th.  She's crazy about him.  He's the one for her; her significant other.  He's a good guy.  I've met him a couple of times.  At fist glance, they seem completely opposite.  He's tall, she's shorter.  He's brunette, she's blonde.  He's quiet, she has a very hard time keeping her mouth shut for five seconds.  But if you know him, and most importantly know her, you would see that they're perfect for each other.

His tall-ness comes into use when giving piggy-back rides and big hugs.  His arms wrap around her entire body.  You get used to his messy, brown hair.  He's loud when he's around the people he trusts.  Even her mom thinks of him as "her son."  He's getting a good education at college close by and so is she.  They're not stupid.  They may make decisions that could cost them, but they make them together.  They keep each other sane.

She is three years older than me and has been through more than the average girl her age.  Which makes coming to her the best form of advice.  She doesn't judge, she doesn't assume.  She listens to me and pays attention to what I have to say.  She helps me; she makes me feel safe inside.  She's as close to an older sister as I have.

Every time my eyes meet hers, my face softens.  She does something to me.  I don't have a clue what I would do without her if she wasn't there to begin with.  She knows what she's doing with her life.  No uncertainty, no second chances, no doubts.  She has just about every possible piercing that the human body can handle...well not every possible one, but the ones you would see most frequently.  But I don't mind.  They look good on her; she pulls them off.  She's got black writing on her left wrist.  It doesn't come off, it doesn't smudge.  It's permanent and it will stay there forever.  Strength, it says.  And it's what she has.

She has everything she could possibly want out of life.  There's no need for giving in to temptation.  It's pointless.  What matters, she says, is what will help you.  She matters.  To me, she matters.  ♥

OneRepublic, you light up my existence.

Whenever the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it.

this is interesting...

So my English teacher had the class set up blogs yesterday in order to respond to the books we're going to be reading throughout the year.  And of course, it's on the same site as this one.  So I spent hours last night fiddling with trying to spy-proof this blog so the people in my class can only see the one for school.  I think it worked, as far as I know.  But in class today, he had us write a journal entry to post in our blogs and it was a pretty good one.  Long as always.  Which had everyone in the class awed by how I could write so much because when I posted it, they basically all rushed to my page to read it because they couldn't believe that I wrote 7 paragraphs on the question when they had only maybe 2 sentences written so far.  So here it is, I liked what I said.

Question: Do you worry about becoming an adult?  Why or why not?

Adulthood.  Well it is kind of inevitable, I guess, right?  Unless someone has come up with a "fountain of youth" invention that I somehow don't know about right now.  So until then, I'll answer this question according to myself.  I think every one has mixed feelings about getting older.  When you're a kid, you don't really care about it too much in life, nor do you really notice that it's occurring.  You just go about your days, all care and stress-free.

And you do have those milestones.  The "terrible two's, teenage changes [[turning 13 that is]], sweet 16's."  Most of us should be turning 16 this year at some point or another.  It's also a pretty big year.  School, the ideas of driving and getting your permit.  How great is that?  I don't know about you guys, but getting my permit is something that I'm looking forward to even though my birthday is in April.  I just can't wait to experience the feeling of being totally free...well not totally.  You still have to have a parent in the car when you drive, but it's a start to it, wouldn't you say?

And then there's 18.  Where you can be legally arrested if you make stupid mistakes.  But that's kind of your own fault.  You also get your real license.  So correction:  this is the totally free feeling that I mentioned before.  You can go anywhere, do anything; with some limits, of course, but it's basically all in your hands.  You can vote, you pick your college for the fall, make you own decisions on the majority of everything in your life, with a few small inputs from your parents.  I'm pretty excited.  But I also know its a very stressful time.  But hey, what's not stressful in life?  That's a concept that you can't really avoid no matter how hard you try, really.

Before you know it, you're in college for 3 years, you're 21 years old.  To me, a lot of responsibility comes with that.  That's the year you can legally drink, and yes I say legally because I know full well of what goes on even at our age and I personally don't that it's very smart.  But I'm all for experimentation.  Although, there is a limit and when it gets excessive, then it gets out of hand.  And no one wants that.  So I prefer to save things like that for when I come of age to actually legally part take in it.

I can't really look too far into my future because I mean, how am I supposed to know what's going to happen and what's not?  Nobody knows what things are in store for them until they happen.  And I think that's what gives someone stress the most.  What a person can't control, they fear.  And that's understandable.  No one's going to specifically tell you what to fear, what to expect, or what to feel in your mind.  I have no clue what could even happen tomorrow, for all things considered.  But I know where I'm headed and I know what I want to do with my life.  But I'm an average person with average thoughts going through my head at light speed and I can't control what happens first.  Though it would be cool if I could know that and in chronological order.  Actually no, scratch that.  I don't want to know what will happen.  I want things to be surprises.  Or at least sometimes unexpected.  If things are predictable, then nothing has meaning to it.

So I didn't really answer the question specifically.  The answer is yes.  I do worry about adulthood.  I never know what might happen in my life, but I'm all for the better.  I do want good things to roll around for my benefit and I want things for myself that will make me something in society but I'm not going to care less about worrying with things that take place years from now.  I'll save those for when they get closer.