color blind

I don't see anything anymore.  Everything has gotten blurry and I can't make out normal images; it doesn't matter if they're right in front of my face.  I don't notice what's going on and I just wait as it consumes what's left of me.  The End.

evermore it is lost from darkness come

I don't know what's going on.  The unbearable heat in my house isn't really helping my mind that much either.  I'm always bitching and moaning about how I have so many problems.  But I'm not going to go take the, "so many other people probably have worse off problems than I do," or anything like that though.  You don't think I know that already?  I really haven't written a serious blog in a while.  I think I'm pretty much way overdue.

I don't know if I'm in that state to just release everything that's been going on right now though.  I doubt I have the stability for it and it's just way too hot to stay focused on anything right now.  I'm getting really pissed off with life.  And no, that's not a suicidal sign, thank you very much.  There's just way too much going on.  But when isn't there crap going on in my life?  I've never had that one bracket of time where everything just goes as planned and how I wanted.  Something always has to go and get itself fucked up in someway or another.

I feel like everything going on is so much more serious than I give it credit for.  I try to talk to some of my friends about it; some of them get it, others don't really see where I'm coming from.  And that's okay, I guess.  I don't expect everyone I know to get me, nor am I prepared to divulge my whole mask of problems to them.  Nope.  Not a chance.  I don't tell everyone everything, and that's how I like it.  I'm not going to go up to someone I barely talk to and tell them everything there is to know about me and have them assess me.

As for another thing...I know who reads this blog.  I am fully aware because I gave them my personal consent, without which they wouldn't dare read this.  But I have something to say to you.  Whatever the matter may be, you're busy, you're short on time, anything of that sort, it doesn't mean you can just come on here and read what's going on with me and then know about it and not talk to me.  Yes, I do write this, and it comes from my thoughts and my own mind, so I guess it's sort of my direct connection, but it's not for you.  It's for me.  It keeps me sane and that's the only reason I have this.  As it says above, it's my journal; private to everyone I know, but you.  So don't take advantage of it in that sense.  I trusted you with it and allowed you to read it, so treat it with respect and talk to me every once in a while.

That's all for now, I guess.  I'm tired, so I'm gonna go get some rest.  Maybe things will be better this week.  Nothing will change.

requiem for a dream

I was just in the writing/venting mood, but now I'm completely and totally out of it.  I don't want to write anymore when about ten minutes ago, as I was doing some sort of pointless chore to get my house ready for Easter, I was itching to get on here.  UGHHH FML.  I have so many problems.  It's probably not a good thing at all.  My birthday was 2 days ago.  It was a good time.  But then shit happened which managed to cancel my birthday out all the way.  Goody.

I'll come back the second I feel anxiety.

April 9th at 12:00 A.M.

It's my birthday :D

I think I'm gonna post later today because I'm super tired.  But YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I'M 16.

ki'mdonebaiii!

*sigh* waiting...

There's 20 minutes until my birthday.  I'm waiting until I can write a good post.

*taps foot impatiently*  Figuratively of course.  I'm sitting down right now.

we don't have time for this

I don't know how I'm feeling right now.  I'm being very sullen and non-responsive, which is probably pissing my brother off and making my dad uncomfortable.  I have a killer stomach ache and didn't go to dance tonight even though I've been looking forward to going back for the last week since Seussical opened.  It's not because of my oddly painful stomach ache that I didn't go though, I just didn't feel up to it.  I'm under so much emotional stress and pressure right now.

The idea clicked in my head a few days ago that this marking period in school is over next week.  Which means that we'll be into the fourth marking period, meaning that this year is basically done.  So I'm basically almost a junior.  That means so much shit that I'm going to have to go through will college and SATs and HSPAs.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.  I don't feel like I'm ready; it feels like it's speeding down a hill, going way too fast to stop until it crashes into something.  That something would be my anticipation.

I was also planning my 16th birthday party on Tuesday night and at first it seemed like a good start.  I was looking for having it on the 19th at a restaurant.  But then my dad shot in and basically picked a restaurant for me because his friends own it and there's this wine tasting event going on so that would give him an opportunity to invite my friends' parents and have them come too.  I don't know, that's kind of when it got less fun for me.  We'd have a room downstairs for the bunch of us [[I was planning to invite 9 people, although I want way more than that to come, but I have to keep money in mind]], but I don't know, it just seemed boring.  I had in mind that we would have dinner there and then go back to my house, but he said that would just be it; the party at the restaurant and then everyone goes home.  I didn't like that.  Everyone would be so bored just reduced to one place with nothing to do.  They have a music system, but it only takes CDs and, being realistic here, who really has a lot of CDs in their possession anymore?  That's what I thought.

So right now, I'm trying to think of something else to do.  Oh and I added everything up to what it would end up coming out to money-wise...$1,106.  Yeah, no thanks.  I want something more simple.  Just me and some of my close friends doing something fun and easy.  I don't need all of this stress right now.

I still have to talk about the play.  That's a novel entry in itself and all the baggage that goes with it as of right now, so maybe in another post.

Not to sound dorky or anything [[what do I care though, really?]], but I seriously have a lot of blogging to do.  Maybe making a list of what I have to talk about will work better.

• Seussical/Disorientation
• Nicole [[one of my best friends]] & dick boyfriend
• overall stress
• I never talk to the people I want to anymore
• I'm just starting to find myself
• I'm realizing how hard life really is
• The possibility of the fact that I might be having an emotional/stress breakdown.
• Frequent meltdowns lately...is that supposed to happen?

I'm under way too much stress.  I can only deal with so much.  None of this is helping nor am I in the proper state right now to even begin to think about ways to cope with it.  And yet again...Fuck my life.

heaven forbid you end up alone & don't know why

There are a couple things.  I don't know what I feel right now.  Kind of a wave of rejection washing through me, mixed with disappointment and just a pinch of envy, able to be interchanged with jealousy.  I don't even know what's going on right now, but I definitely don't like it.  The girls who I used to consider my sisters, who I used to go to for basically everything, are moving slowly and steadily away from that image.  They're there for me a lot less often and whenever I try to talk to them, they never answer me.  Why?  I know I didn't do anything, that's always my first instinct.  I think everything is my fault.  But I haven't even talked to them enough this year to even have done anything, so it's obviously not that.

I feel like one of them is trying to move on.  Not from me really, but someone she loves very much is leaving to join the military in a few short days for four years.  That has to be a lot to take in and accept, but she's kind of already making a replacement; someone to spend her newly acquired time with.  The fact is that we used to be pretty close a while ago, and well right now, it kind of feels like we never used to talk in the first place; like neither of us ever got acquainted or had a conversation.  I feel awkward around her and I hate it a lot.  It's like all that time invested into getting to know each other and helping one another got taken from me and put onto someone else.  It's like I got replaced too.  I feel like I'm being totally irrational with this, which I probably am but whatever, but it's like I'm not the one she wants to spend her time with at all.  I've just been tossed aside and someone else has filled that spot that used to be mine.

Why?  Why is this happening?  Do I have to change myself or something?  Am I not interesting enough?  Is she bored with me?  Wow if that were the case, then I'd be heavily upset.  But as of right now, that's how I'm feeling about that.  I don't know what's going on at all, and yet again, she doesn't answer and of my messages.  I want to know if she's doing alright, but she won't give me the least bit of insight.  I'm just really confused.  I need to talk to her; really talk.

And with Bee...ugh I don't know either.  I was supposed to see her this week, but something happened, which she has yet to tell me about.  But now she's up seeing her boyfriend at his school, so I doubt she'd get back to me this weekend.  But at this moment, I feel closer to her than Christine, but that's only because we talk more; not on a regular basis, but every few days at least.  She promised to take me to a dance class in the city with her the next time she goes.  That should be fun, whenever that is.  But they've both promised me a lot of things.  One being that we'd hang out.  Yeah, that has yet to happen and it's been a year and 2 months practically.  Christine also promised me that when I turn 18, she'll take me to get my first tattoo.  I have no clue if she remembers that she made that promise, but I do.  It was right before the cruise when she told me and I won't forget it.  Something that would really disappoint me is if she wasn't around for that.  I'd want to do it with her.  That is if everything that's going on now changes.

You know, I don't even know if she realizes that any of this is happening.  She doesn't answer any of my messages to know how I'm feeling, so how could she?  But you'd think she'd have some kind of intuition or something...some kind of feeling that something's definitely not right.  Yeah, I guess not because she hasn't once asked me if I was okay.  And I'm not.  For many reasons. Does she even care?  I'm starting to wonder that.  How can you just get a message from someone, crying out for you and telling you that they need you and have to talk to you about things, and just ignore it?  I don't understand that at all.

And also stuff with Rachel.  I saw her today, but only barely.  I couldn't get a word in with every other person freaking out that she was there.  I probably didn't say 4 sentences to her the whole time.  I saw her in choir, but I was singing most of the time rather than talking.  And then she came to my lunch period and talked, but I kind of just listened as she told other people some stories that she had already told me before.  And then I saw her for like 20 minutes after school.  Saw, not talked to.  I watched as everyone else talked to her.  I'm not one to loiter around in a huddled group and not get a word in edgewise in.  Plus, I have my own things to talk to her about, and I'd rather not have an audience.

But it's ridiculous.  Everyone should grow up and not act like fucking five-year-olds who are locked in Disney World overnight when she comes.  They just orbit around her the entire time like she's a bright, shining planet and don't leave her alone.  It's really fucking annoying.  So I didn't really get to talk to her.  I was like a regular day if she hadn't come to visit because I practically said nothing just because I couldn't.  Then when she was leaving at 3:30 and I had to go into the auditorium for rehearsal, she gave me a hug and told me she loved me.  I just kind of stood there and didn't say anything, but then something just clicked in my head and I hugged her back and started to tear up a little, but I don't think she noticed that.  She noticed me tighten around her and rest my head on her chest, but I don't think she saw me crying.  Which is good, because then I wouldn't have been able to stop for a little.  I just miss her so much.  It's really hard not having her around all the time.

The other night when we were on the phone and I just started crying about some of the things we were talking about, but thats a different story, but still.  I just get really annoyed when I need to talk to her, but then there are all these other people in my way.  And I'm not a selfish person, so I won't shove my way through and steal her because I'm just so fucking courteous to everyone else even though I'm not really friends with them and don't give a shit about them.  I'll wait for time alone, but this time I didn't get it and that made me a little discouraged.

She's also not coming to my show in June.  She told me today over a fucking Facebook message, and just made it sound like no big deal.  Apparently she'll be out of the country.  What?!  I asked her where she'll be, but hey, yet another person who doesn't answer me when I message them.  She just said, "I can't come, I'll be out of the country then ): damnnn it"  Like really?  That's a big deal to me.  I'm actually really upset that she's not coming and then she just messaged me and made it sound like nothing at all.  "Oh, I won't be able to make it to the one highlight show of your year.  Sorrys!"  No.

Ugh there are just way too many problems and thoughts running through my mind at the moment.  And I'm really upset now.  Actually, I'm upset most of the time now.  Upset, depressed, empty, fragile; all of that, all the time now.  I don't know when I'm going to get over it.  Maybe never.  I'm thinking it's an age thing.  As I'm getting older and dealing with the things that happened to me at a young age, I'm starting to grasp and realize how much that impacts me now more than ever.  I need so many things, but none of them are within my reach.  And the people who used to help me cope with all of that are more distant than ever.

Fuck my life.

crack the shutters

AHHH FML.  Okay, sorry, I actually just yelled.  But anyways...this day has already gotten me so mad.  So i'm sitting in the new gym because for some reason we're not changing.  FINE WITH ME.  I walked to school this morning to basically find the entire student body walking back up the sidewalk on Piermont because someone apparently pulled the fire alarm.  But some people are also saying that there was a legit problem with something.  Fire trucks, police cars, and even an ambulance was called to the school and we were all outside on one of the side streets for like a half hour.  We're never out there for that long, so it must have been something, but whatevers!

okay, gym's almost over, but I'll come back and rant about my horrible day.