I can't replace

I love how you can walk outside and clearly see that autumn has grabbed the end of October and changed it against its will.  I see yellow, red, and orange leaves all day now; all over.  It looks so beautiful, I can't possibly take it all in.  I think everyone has lost the appreciation for the pure, straight-forward gifts of nature.  We take the color-changed leaves for granted; the snow and all its splendor falling to the ground gracefully, slowly but surely enveloping the ground in an ice cold, frosted blanket by night, only to be disturbed and ruined by our escapades.  Who are we to disturb the internal balance of nature and its beauty?  It's almost like a dying art, the change of seasons.  Everybody in this world disregards it and perceives it as the ordinary. But whenever it takes place, whenever the cycle continues to repeat itself, it's completely different as the occurrence beforehand.  Each time is special and unique; a time of grace and precision truly all its own.

you know who you are.

It's been a long time.  Almost nine months on the 14th.  She's crazy about him.  He's the one for her; her significant other.  He's a good guy.  I've met him a couple of times.  At fist glance, they seem completely opposite.  He's tall, she's shorter.  He's brunette, she's blonde.  He's quiet, she has a very hard time keeping her mouth shut for five seconds.  But if you know him, and most importantly know her, you would see that they're perfect for each other.

His tall-ness comes into use when giving piggy-back rides and big hugs.  His arms wrap around her entire body.  You get used to his messy, brown hair.  He's loud when he's around the people he trusts.  Even her mom thinks of him as "her son."  He's getting a good education at college close by and so is she.  They're not stupid.  They may make decisions that could cost them, but they make them together.  They keep each other sane.

She is three years older than me and has been through more than the average girl her age.  Which makes coming to her the best form of advice.  She doesn't judge, she doesn't assume.  She listens to me and pays attention to what I have to say.  She helps me; she makes me feel safe inside.  She's as close to an older sister as I have.

Every time my eyes meet hers, my face softens.  She does something to me.  I don't have a clue what I would do without her if she wasn't there to begin with.  She knows what she's doing with her life.  No uncertainty, no second chances, no doubts.  She has just about every possible piercing that the human body can handle...well not every possible one, but the ones you would see most frequently.  But I don't mind.  They look good on her; she pulls them off.  She's got black writing on her left wrist.  It doesn't come off, it doesn't smudge.  It's permanent and it will stay there forever.  Strength, it says.  And it's what she has.

She has everything she could possibly want out of life.  There's no need for giving in to temptation.  It's pointless.  What matters, she says, is what will help you.  She matters.  To me, she matters.  ♥

OneRepublic, you light up my existence.

Whenever the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it.

this is interesting...

So my English teacher had the class set up blogs yesterday in order to respond to the books we're going to be reading throughout the year.  And of course, it's on the same site as this one.  So I spent hours last night fiddling with trying to spy-proof this blog so the people in my class can only see the one for school.  I think it worked, as far as I know.  But in class today, he had us write a journal entry to post in our blogs and it was a pretty good one.  Long as always.  Which had everyone in the class awed by how I could write so much because when I posted it, they basically all rushed to my page to read it because they couldn't believe that I wrote 7 paragraphs on the question when they had only maybe 2 sentences written so far.  So here it is, I liked what I said.

Question: Do you worry about becoming an adult?  Why or why not?

Adulthood.  Well it is kind of inevitable, I guess, right?  Unless someone has come up with a "fountain of youth" invention that I somehow don't know about right now.  So until then, I'll answer this question according to myself.  I think every one has mixed feelings about getting older.  When you're a kid, you don't really care about it too much in life, nor do you really notice that it's occurring.  You just go about your days, all care and stress-free.

And you do have those milestones.  The "terrible two's, teenage changes [[turning 13 that is]], sweet 16's."  Most of us should be turning 16 this year at some point or another.  It's also a pretty big year.  School, the ideas of driving and getting your permit.  How great is that?  I don't know about you guys, but getting my permit is something that I'm looking forward to even though my birthday is in April.  I just can't wait to experience the feeling of being totally free...well not totally.  You still have to have a parent in the car when you drive, but it's a start to it, wouldn't you say?

And then there's 18.  Where you can be legally arrested if you make stupid mistakes.  But that's kind of your own fault.  You also get your real license.  So correction:  this is the totally free feeling that I mentioned before.  You can go anywhere, do anything; with some limits, of course, but it's basically all in your hands.  You can vote, you pick your college for the fall, make you own decisions on the majority of everything in your life, with a few small inputs from your parents.  I'm pretty excited.  But I also know its a very stressful time.  But hey, what's not stressful in life?  That's a concept that you can't really avoid no matter how hard you try, really.

Before you know it, you're in college for 3 years, you're 21 years old.  To me, a lot of responsibility comes with that.  That's the year you can legally drink, and yes I say legally because I know full well of what goes on even at our age and I personally don't that it's very smart.  But I'm all for experimentation.  Although, there is a limit and when it gets excessive, then it gets out of hand.  And no one wants that.  So I prefer to save things like that for when I come of age to actually legally part take in it.

I can't really look too far into my future because I mean, how am I supposed to know what's going to happen and what's not?  Nobody knows what things are in store for them until they happen.  And I think that's what gives someone stress the most.  What a person can't control, they fear.  And that's understandable.  No one's going to specifically tell you what to fear, what to expect, or what to feel in your mind.  I have no clue what could even happen tomorrow, for all things considered.  But I know where I'm headed and I know what I want to do with my life.  But I'm an average person with average thoughts going through my head at light speed and I can't control what happens first.  Though it would be cool if I could know that and in chronological order.  Actually no, scratch that.  I don't want to know what will happen.  I want things to be surprises.  Or at least sometimes unexpected.  If things are predictable, then nothing has meaning to it.

So I didn't really answer the question specifically.  The answer is yes.  I do worry about adulthood.  I never know what might happen in my life, but I'm all for the better.  I do want good things to roll around for my benefit and I want things for myself that will make me something in society but I'm not going to care less about worrying with things that take place years from now.  I'll save those for when they get closer.

how could this have slipped my mind?

So I completely forgot to mention something that occurred this weekend.  Rachel came home FINALLY!  I hadn't seen her since two days before she left for school, which was August 24th, so I saw her on the 22nd.  Looking at the date of this past weekend and comparing it to that one, you get a pretty damn long time.  But you know, I think the time was actually kind of rewarding, in a way.  It made me anticipate her so much more and it caused me to miss her more every day that I didn't see her.  It was hard, but we did it.  So she comes home to go to her cousin's bat mitzvah in Long Island and she said on Monday, she would come and see me.  So I was stoked.

And then at 3:00 P.M., on the dot if I might add, on Monday, I hear the doorbell ring and see her standing outside on my front step.  That was probably the best moment of the whole weekend; she was actually here.  Not in

the city, not doing shitloads of work which she's probably HARD AT WORK doing right now, but here.  In Hillsdale, in Jersey, at my house.  It was the most surreal feeling I've had in a long time.  And I hadn't even opened the door yet.  So I'm sure you can imagine what I must have felt like when I jetted out the door and slammed a hug into her, right?  Yeah, pretty much the best.

And then the next day, we had school so she came in during chamber and sat in and visited with everyone, which was great.  Although I had the world's worst, splitting headache that day so I really couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to but I didn't mind that.  I had gotten my time with her the day before so I was satisfied.  Although, we didn't get to spend as much time together as I wanted on Monday.  I had practice that night and while she was at my house, Lisa actually called me to see if I could come in earlier.  So that dampened things a little bit, but hey, it's about 100 times better than not even getting to see her at all, isn't it?  I thought so...

So yeah, that was mainly the highlight of this past weekend and it was just basically the most indescribable feeling in the world as to what it felt like to know that she was actually here, in my room, hanging out with me.  UGH it was just so great!  I can't wait until she comes down again.  I'm already looking forward to it.

And class tonight was as usual.  We're so insane, I swear.  Lisa must put something in our water bottles and then re-seal them.  I mean, we ALWAYS feel the need to just act like COMPLETE LUNATICS and still learn things at the same time.  But hey, that's what family does...=]  So Christine's Sweet 16 is tomorrow night =]  Lisa gave us the night off from class to get ready and everything and in exchange, we switched fridays classes to monday, so we kind of already did them.  It's going to be fun, I'm definitely excited.  I'll have pictures somewhere after the party and I'm sure something insane will go down worth talking about...or at least I kind of have an inkling of hope that it will hah.  Night!

live && let live.

I never really understood the points of symbolism.  A teacher asks you to connect story lines and yet how is there only one right answer?  There's not.  There can be so many different types of answers for one sentence that it may just make your brain hurt too much.  Something can have so many meanings and yet people can never see the logic in that.  How is one person supposed to know what the author was thinking when he/she wrote that passage?  I doubt they were inside their head or sitting at their side, asking questions.  So in truth, can't the answer be whatever we want it to be?  I think so.

So can't that be applied to almost everything?  There's no right and wrong answer to every question or event that occurs throughout every second of everyday of life.  That would be impossible to record.  And what about small, miniscule things as opposed to gigantic, colossal happenings?  Shouldn't the small matter as much as the big?

I think people take the unimportant things in life into too much consideration.  They worry about specifics when they should really be focusing on the "bigger picture," as we say it.  Letting stress, nerves, and fear overpower what clear judgement they have instilled in their minds from the very start of humanity itself.  Free thinkers get diminished to being told what to do.  Everything is controlled.  It's careful and painstaking and vigilant.  Nothing is ever the same anymore once it leaks out into the public eye.  It was once a well-kept secret before someone spilled to a dishonest carrier.  And now it's everywhere.

Then what happens?  It becomes the biggest thing since sliced bread and then gradually, people start to forgive and forget.  It eases away, back into obscurity with much less fire power than it came in with.  And that's what the bad thing is.  Exposure weakens something so vast.  Isn't that true?  That's what I've come to believe.

don't you forget about me.

Okay I haven't posted in a bit.  Sorry for the brief interruption.  So I was sick last week which probably had something to do with the lack of postage.  We've also been having regular non-full weeks of school.  But unfortunately, next week incorporates ALL five days.  So I guess you can say I've been busy.  And the cruise is only roughly three weeks away.  I can't even begin to come to terms with that.  It's almost here.  And I'm so beyond stoked.  The Holiday Show is, as of all that I know, officially cancelled; which sucks.  I'm gonna miss hearing "Happy Holiday" and doing that obnoxious, yet totally in sync, kickline and hearing the annoyingly popular tune of "Jinga-ling" every other night at the studio.  I really was looking forward to this year's show, not gonna lie.  But hey, there's always the spring...maybe?  I have no idea.  But a girl can wish, right?

In other news, as I told you previously, I was sick last week.  Fever, aching muscles and bones, running/stuffy nose...the works!  Oh and I took a shower last Thursday and didn't realize I had a fever.  You know, most times when I'm sick and I get in the shower, it's to feel relaxed and better and hope that the steam will somehow clear my sinuses.  But NO, I have to be on the verge of a panic attack and ALMOST [[yes, I said almost]] pass out.  How bad would that have been?  Ugh, I don't even want to think about it.  But yeah, I had everything.  Apparently, you're not supposed to go in the shower with a fever.  It triggers all the wrong things to happen.  I started feeling like my hearing was inching away.  You know, like when you have earphones in and you slowly press the volume lower and lower until you can't hear anything?  Yeah, that's what was going on.  And my vision was gradually darkening by the second I was in there.  It started with dots until it got to almost on the verge of blackness before I shut off the water, in the middle of conditioning, and just got out in a towel to breathe in the cold air.  That made me feel better and gave me the delusion that I would never take another shower again.

Call it what you want, but I successfully proved that scare wrong because I did go back in.  And it turned out that when I got out of the shower, I had a 103.5 fever.  So yeah as you can see, it was sort of a blackout waiting to happen kind of situation.  Of all things, right?

So Twilight comes out in 36 days now.  I'm so excited.  I got Speak [[the movie]] from the library today and watched it and Kristen was just amazing.  It was a really good movie, I have to say.  It stayed very close to the book and everything; not what the avid reader would expect.  I'm glad I got it.  I've been determined to watched basically every movie that Kristen Stewart has been in before Twilight comes out so yeah.  Alright, I'm gonna go, that's it.

this is XTREMELY awkward.

So I'm sitting in 6th period lunch and I'm at the french club table for extra credit.  I'm getting an A- but hey, why not?  I want to do extremely well this year and if this is what I have to do to get there, I'm all for it.  But anyway, that's not my point.  My point is that this is sufficiently awkward.  I have one of my friends here, but she's friends with some other people sitting here who I'm not.  And it's a little on the touchy side cause I'm obviously tuned into my iPod right now and typing on my laptop doing this and not paying attention to anything else.