The pitter-patter of the rain on my rooftop hums and buzzes.

I lose myself in the serenity of the melodic rhythms,

As it gently and softly coos me to sleep.

Hush.  I am at ease.  I am at peace.

I am as silent as silence goes until I start to stir,

After only but a minute in my immobile trance.

I am awake.

And I must now face another day with my plastered smile,

And tear-glossed eyes.

Nobody knows but I.

I patiently wait for the rain to acquaint itself with my senses yet again.

I'm ready for the takeover.

it's really awkward

...how I'm sitting here in choir, 8th period, and have to keep avoiding Ryan's gaze. I mean...it's cool and everything, I guess.

But not really, of course. I haven't written about him at all on here because I just hadn't written any posts while things were going on. But I probably should have because writing on here always makes me feel a little bit better. Getting things out some how makes me feel only just a bit at ease. It helps me feel like I'm not keeping it locked inside me for an obscene amount of time. Maybe a little later I'll do one. I don't feel like doing it right now, at the moment.

And lol I don't think I've mentioned this at all either, but I simply cannot explain how incredibly, mind-blowingly annoying Jess Brown is. Like...it's amazing that one person can be that oblivious to their own ability to be a turn-off to basically everyone. It's highly amusing, but always getting on my nerves, no doubt.

I have to fight for what I need

I'm really angry.  Like really, really, REALLY angry.  So much has been building inside of me about so many things for--well, I don't even KNOW for how long--some time, and everything just adds to the list, making me more and more angry.  This is not a joke.  I find myself being so ticked off about everything lately.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that my dad is the most overly-oblivious person I have to deal with in my life.  It's really gotten to a point now where I can't live with it and I can't live in it.

I don't know if I've mentioned on here or not, but since late November, my dad's been referring to his girlfriend has his "fiancé" now and it's the dumbest thing.  Yes, he went through the whole charade of getting her a (very overpriced and undeserved) ring and making it "official."  Now, first of all, since I am his daughter and youngest child and my whole family had to go through the painstakingly horrible trial of losing my mother 5 years ago, shouldn't he have asked me how I felt about him getting "engaged" or at least if it was alright with me?  I mean, it's not like he ever asked those questions when he started dating her only three months after my mom passed.  So hey, nevermind, he doesn't need to ask me...but no, in all seriousness, he really should have--both times.  If he had initially asked me how I felt about him dating so soon when I was eleven, Margaret would clearly not be in the picture the way she is today.  I go as far to regret that I never spoke up about anything when I was younger.  Right after an experience like that, it's me who comes first above anything else.  I'm the youngest and look what I had just been through!  It should still be that way.  My brothers and I should come first over anything else no matter what.  For some fucked up reason, he doesn't seem to be noticing that that's the way it's supposed to work.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I'm being selfish one bit.  And I'm definitely not giving my dad too little credit.  He's a great dad, yes, BUT this has really, honestly clouded his judgement about everything.  I mean, Margaret can't even fucking get married for years because of her divorce agreement.  Oh and hey, fun fact: If you remember correctly, I said earlier that my dad started dating her in November 2004?  And yes, you read correctly when I JUST SAID that she got divorced.  How fucked up is that, especially on her end?  She waits 3 years of dating my father to tell him that she's still legally married to her husband?  My dad told me that as soon as she told him that.  We were down in Florida for her cousin's daughter's wedding and Made a Disney World trip out of it (which was not fun at all & that may sound selfish, but I have my reasons, of course) and she picks the night of the wedding over all other nights to tell him that even though her husband left her for another woman like 11 years ago, they were still legally married...?  My dad told me about it that night in our hotel room (and it was just the two of us in the room, OBVIII) and I was basically like UHH BITCH SAY WHAAAT?!  She went through this whole back and forth process with him on getting a divorce from March of 2007 until, I think, September or October of 2009.

So A. She's dumb for letting that go for so long and NOT telling my dad & B. My dad STILL pitied her about all of it.  That's what I just found extraordinary.  Yes, I will admit I felt bad for her situation in the beginning when my dad told me that her husband was this terrible guy who left her for this other woman and stepped out of his children's lives and didn't pay for anything for any of them and basically left Margaret high and dry.  So, yes, I thought that was pretty bad.  But, you know...whenever something came up after that when I was talking to my dad--and it was also something soooo off the subject of Margaret and her problems--he would always bring it up.  Always.

"Oh just think of how bad poor Margaret's got it...Her husband left her AND her kids with NOTHING.  He's not even a father to his children!  How horrible..."

And yes.  It was horrible.  Until he started saying it over, and over, and over again.  And, you know, that got me thinking...he's telling me how bad Margaret's got it and he's not even looking that his own family, especially me?  Look at how bad I've fucking got it.  If I were to list my problems, we know what would be in the number one slot.  And I think that calls for a little more sympathy than "poor Margaret" and her disloyal bastard husband.  It doesn't even occur to him that when he says those words all the time, I keep refuting him in my mind, although screaming seems like the appropriate word.

"Oh just think of how bad poor Margaret's got it...Her husband left her AND her kids with NOTHING.  He's not even a father to his children!  How horrible..." x 57027468965

*in the confines of my mind*

"Alright, dad, I don't need to keep hearing how bad Margaret's life is.  It's not like I watched my mother die with my own eyes right in front of me when I was 11 years old because she was struck with a disease that she mercilessly fought for 4 years and ultimately lost.  It's not like I'm scarred for life with that flashbulb memory forever ingrained into my mind.  I mean, yeah, Margaret's life is the worst..."

And, you know, those aren't even the worst things.  Now I'm not entirely sure if I have a post somewhereeeee with all of my problems about Margaret in them, and I don't want to leave this post to go and check, so I'll conveniently put them all here, in one place :D

But do you want to know the worst part that I always think about?  I think about the time after my mom passed.  And I'm thinking that my dad was in such need or desperation for someone to talk to and be with, he didn't even look right next to him to notice I was struggling with the same exact thing.  I needed someone to talk to, also.  I needed someone to encircle my 11 year old self and pull me into a tight, warm hug, letting me know everything would be okay when it clearly wasn't.  I never got that from him.  At least, not that I can remember.  And from that point on, I remembered everything.  I never remember him talking to me, wondering if I was alright.  I clearly remember other people doing that exact thing, but no...never him.  Now that I think about it, it sounds rather odd that he didn't.  And I don't even know, maybe that right there is the reason to blame about why he never asks about me or my feelings.  Is he afraid of something?  I have no idea.  I just know that because of that, or whatever it was, it's made it that much more difficult to even start to think about talking to him about my problems.

My dad has no clue in the world about girls.  He's got his two first-born sons who wrestled and fished and played in the dirt and watched Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles and it seems like it's so much easier for him.  But when I came along, he was so beyond happiness to know that he had a daughter.  A little girl to dress up in cute outfits, and play house with, and buy Barbie dolls for, and watch Disney Princess movies with.  It was so different for him, but I know he loved every second of it.  However, I have a feeling that it was my mom who made taking care of a girl easier for him.  Once she was gone, what was he supposed to do?  He had no idea how to take care of me because of the simple fact that girls are so much different than boys.  I dance and sing and want a career in the Arts and I have so much more emotion and feelings than my brothers.  It pains me to say that I'm not surprised that he's never once inquired about my feelings or how I am.  You never have to do that with boys in general.  My dad didn't know how girls operate when they got older; he still doesn't have the slightest clue or else I wouldn't be sitting here, writing this at the moment.  He doesn't know how good girls can be at hiding their emotions, making it look like nothing ever goes wrong with them.  That's what I'm always doing, so why should he even think that I've been going through such utter hell for so long?  I'm not saying this is my fault, but I am saying that I'm very good at covering up my feelings.  I've had plenty of practice covering up my sadness every single day for over 5 years.  I guess he doesn't realize that.

But anyway, back to the topic at hand.  Other things he does, besides his noticeable ignorance, for Margaret that are way out of line.  Like, take Christmas two years ago.  It wasn't the 25th of December yet, so he took Margaret and I to this watch boutique held at an open center where one of his friends would be working.  He got a "friends & family" discount for whatever he wanted to buy.  Now, okay, these weren't your everyday watches.  Some of these were at high at 20k.  Honestly, who pays that much for a piece of metal around your wrist to tell you what time it is when now everyone can just look at their cellphone that they pay a monthly bill for?  I think owning a watch is a complete waste of time.  Practically everybody has cell phones, so it's my personally opinion that wrist watches are becoming obsolete.

Naturally, I didn't want one because of A. the price & B. I didn't need one whatsoever.  Margaret was still looking though.  She ends up picking out a watch that costs my dad at least $2 thousand dollars.  Honestly, what the fuck?  AND HE GLADLY BOUGHT IT FOR HER.  If that were just him and I, no way would I have gotten something that costs that much.  And now, if I may say, it was such a fight to get the one thing that I wanted for my 16th birthday, which was a MacBook Pro.  The only thing I wanted, and asked for from my family.  At that time, they were only a little more than $1 thousand dollars.  But at least they have such a large multi-purpose!  My dad put up a huge barrier and I didn't get it until the end of August 2009 when my birthday was in April.  If he can buy Margaret a piece of metal that tells time for over $2 thousand dollars for Christmas, why couldn't I have the one birthday present I had been thinking about for months before that does anything I need?  That's a little fucked up to me.

Oh and lol then they went on a trip to Italy.  Yeah.  He took her to Italy.  Did he ever ask if I wanted to go?  Yes, as a matter of fact, he did.  I told him I'd think about it, see what I'm doing over the summer.  Before I even come back to him with an answer, "Oh well, I asked Margaret to go with me, so I'm going to book our flight information this afternoon."  What the fuck, I told him I'd think about it.  He asked me if I wanted to go with them.  Fuck that.  No way.  I wasn't about to give up my summer NOW just to hang out with my dad and his girlfriend in Italy for however long they were gone.  No.  And then just this past summer, they went to Vancouver, Canada to see my dad's friends who live there.  Did he ask if I wanted to go first?  Yes, and the whole scenario played out exactly the same as Italy.

Another thing is that when my dad goes on any kind of trip where he's got to be away for at least 2 nights, he asks Margaret to come over and stay with me.  I hate that.  It used to be a little bit easier because my brother was still living at home, so I'd be able to get out of it, but he actually just recently moved out and he lives a few towns over in Cliffside Park about 25 minutes away.  And my dad just had to go on a business trip to Costa Rica of all places last week.  He just got back last night, but while he was away, since my brother wasn't here anymore, I had no choice for Margaret to come and stay here.  If I'm totally stuck in a situation, I'll only say she can come here because that means she can drive me where I need to be.  I have such a busy schedule now, I need my license.  So yeah, that's basically the only spot where she comes in handy to me.  Otherwise, I couldn't care less if I stayed home by myself.  I like being by myself.  It gives me the chance to let out whatever I'm feeling because nobody's around for me to hold it all in for.

Now, that brings me to today.  For some reason, my alarm clock didn't wake me up at 6:10 this morning and my dad had to knock on my door, waking me up and proceeding to tell me that it was 7:34.  I leave my house to walk to school at 7:45.  No way in hell was I going to be ready in 11 minutes.  My dad leaves for the gym at around 7:30ish, but he left at 7:42 this morning.  I sat in bed, thinking of how over worked I've been for months.  I wanted, no, I needed a mental health day; I just needed to stay home and think and not have to worry about doing pointless classwork in all of my classes at school today.  I have to get so much done today, anyway.  So a little after my dad left for the gym, I called him and asked if I could just stay home.  I still needed to shower and get ready if I was going to go to school, and there was also the fact that I was waking up early today to finish homework I didn't do because I was up so late doing the majority of it.  He said "no" and "absolutely not" and that I "was not going to stay home just because I woke up late."  He doesn't know everything that I battle with in my mind every second of everyday.  I mean, again, how could he know if he never fucking bothers to ask me about anything going on in my life?

I said I was staying home anyway and he threatened me saying, "If I come home later and I find you there, so many of your privileges will be taken away."  Honestly, fuck him.  I just stayed home.  I need this day and this time.  I need to correct things.  He's going to come home and be furious that I didn't go to school today and everything I just wrote on here in this monstrosity of a post will finally be let out of me and make his acquaintance.  I do not care in the slightest.  I'm not worried about having my "privileges" taken away.  Okay, take my phone, take my laptop if you must, take whatever.  I am a little afraid he's going to take dance away from me and be the dick I know he is when he gets into this kind of mode, but I'm not going to let him.  He's tried and succeeded at doing that so many times in the past, and only a couple times have I talked him out of it.

Another thing my father fails to realize is that nothing positive ever comes from taking something away from someone else.  No matter how angry or disheveled you might be at one person, you never take anything away from them if you're meaning to solve whatever problem is at hand.  It just makes people more aggressive and hostile towards each other and nothing ever gets done.  So he can go ahead.  He can take whatever he wants away from me.  It's neither showing me a "lesson" nor making me feel remorse for whatever it is that I have "done."  It just makes the feeling of scorn for him go over the possible limit of what I know I can bear.  And, trust me, that limit has long since been breached for a long time now.  What does that tell you? 

something's happened today

I've finally got initiative back to write on here again.  It's odd, but I felt the need to start my blogging experience back up with something that's happened today.  I got picked up from work by my dad at 1:30 and we went to the diner for some lunch.  He said he wasn't really hungry, so I asked what was wrong, if there was something bothering him.  He then told me that my friend Colleen's father was found in the back woods of my high school, dead.  I didn't know what to think other than sorrow for her and her family.  I still don't know what to think, what to say.  Mainly because I can identify with her so much from my own past.

My dad asked me if I heard any helicopters near by and at the time, I hadn't thought anything of it and reading people's Facebook statuses saying, "Why are there helicopters flying above my house?" and "What's going on outside with the helicopters?"  He said that Mr. Collier had been missing for two days and the police were about to call off the search until the DEA came in and brought the Canine Unit, not willing to give up.  He went missing late Thursday night and the body was finally uncovered by the state police this morning.  Apparently he took his own  life in the woods late Thursday afternoon and because of the recent amount of snowfall, his body had been undetected during the first search until the dogs were brought on the scene.

This was just the most devastating news that I had gotten in a long, long time and I know completely how Colleen is feeling right now.  Just knowing that she is going through all of this brings back my own horrible flashback memories.  Although, what makes it even worse for her is that only 4 years ago, her older sister, Michelle, was found dead in her college dorm and that had a large impact on Colleen and her whole family.  That was the ultimate reason of why here dad took his own life.  He sent a letter in the mail to his mother and father, who also reside in Hillsdale, telling them he was sorry and how he was just still so grief-stricken from Michelle's death.

When my dad and I went to their house, Colleen's older brother, Kevin, was on his way to get her from college and bring her back home.  Her mom said she didn't know yet.  After i got home, maybe an hour later, I updated my Facebook status, not mentioning her name or anything and she commented a few minutes later saying she loved me.  With that, I knew she knew, so I sent her a message.  I'll probably give her the rest of today with her family and call her tomorrow.  I still cannot even formulate this in my mind.  I know what she's feeling, but not in the specific manner of what happened.  I lost my mom, but due to disease, not suicide.  I'm sure that's a whole other feeling in itself and so much sorrow and guilt and emptiness associated with it, so much more different than losing someone to a sickness or natural cause.

I really don't know what ultimately prompted Brian Collier to take his own life when he still had such a beautiful family that's emerged from such hurt due to their daughter's passing a few years ago.  After losing Michelle, he should have taken pride in what he still had in his life; he had his wife and three great kids who are just so beyond strong.  No disrespect whatsoever, but what he did was the coward's way out of things.  He had so many people he could have went to talk to if he felt the way he did.  And it was certainly pre-meditated because of the letter he sent in the mail to his parents.  He left behind a family who was still trying to get through a death that cut them so deep and now they have to deal with this newly fresh wound on top of everything else.  My prayers and emotions and thoughts and love go out to the entire Collier family for this horrible loss.  Most importantly, I love you, Colleen ♥

my new favorite website.

Jeanine + Billy = 1/2 of the best power duo. JKARR TOO, OBVIII :D

hahaha this is the best photo of them evuuuuur ♥

I love it so much.

i thought this was a beautiful image.

makin' some changes...

Maybe that's self-explanatory? I'm changin' up the blog. Spending my all-too-good time during in-school to do this because I have nothing else to do. I've been wanting some change on here for a while, but yet again here it comes, I just hadn't gotten the time, so hereeeee weeeee GOOOOOO! :D

repetitive feeling.

I feel like whenever I post on here, I'm always saying how I should post more and that I've had no time and that it's getting annoying and I really need to. WOW SO WEIRD, BECAUSE THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE. I'm sitting in the office today on a Friday because I have a lovely in-school detention FOR BEING LATE TO SCHOOL. So I guess that means that I'm lumped together with all of the pot/boge smokers, kids with bad attitudes, assholes, etc etc. KCOOL. My school administration is retarded, honestly. I got a detention on my SECOND TIME being late. WTF. I know for a fact that your third late is supposed to be a detention. The first two are warnings. And then I get an in-school on the fifth one? Seriously, Pascack Valley, what the actual fuck? I mean, in the first place, who has ever heard of getting an in-school detention for being late to school anyway? That's just retarded. Ugh I'm so pissed off right now. This means this goes on my record and colleges will see it and, better yet, I'll always be known as some girl who's gotten an in-school to the administration and the people in the office. None of them know me. Although, I've had a few clarifications today with the office staff asking me what I did to get an in-school. I pumped it up a lot being like, "oh well, you know, i...WAS LATE TO SCHOOL." Ugh fuuuuuuuuuuck. And I doubt my principal/assistant principals even know who I am. I've never talked to them before in my life, so they don't know me. It's such bull. I know for a fact that they've already labeled me in their minds without knowing who I am or ANYTHING. But ugh whatever.

And there's some other kid in here with me. I think he's a freshman. But he was basically gone for the past hour...where the fuck did he go? How was he allowed to leave for an entire hour? Well, when he got back, there was an overpowering stench of cigarette smoke, so I'm thinkin' I know what he was up to for at least a portion of that hour, if not the whole thing. Well it's 7th period right now anyway. At least the day is almost done. And then I go to dance to teach my little hip-hoppers, then my ballet girls, and have my own classes and forget about this horrible day.

OKAY FROM NOW ON: I AM NEVER GOING TO BE INEXCUSABLY LATE FOR SCHOOL AGAIN. I have to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again, so...yeah.

I've done all the work that I've had, so I've just been sitting here on my laptop for about the past hour and a half just amusing myself with pointless websites. One in particular being MyLifeIsTwilight.com and lololol it's so hilariously pitiful. These people are crazy. I have to show this to Brandi so she can break her I LOVE TWILIGHT phase and be normal again. When I say these people have no lives at all, I MEAN IT. Wow, they are just the most horrible excuse for people who actually have lives. I mean, look at these people. Like is that the most odd, messed up thing, or what?

Well, anyway, that's what I've been up to. I have to try and find some time tomorrow to go to the mall and get my cousin, Corey, something for the Christmas grab bag. I have a party at my cousin's house tomorrow night, but I don't know what time it starts. Hopefully not too early, so I'll have time to get to the mall and wrap whatever it is I get. I don't even know what he'd want. He's into motorcycles and hunting and dogs and stuff, but what the hell do I get him? I have no clue whatsoever. Maybe I should text his mom tonight to make it easier for me. Oh well, I'll figure it out. I'll figure everything out.