this is getting out of hand

I'm not posting. Like AT ALL. Ugh this is really getting on my nerves, but I have had literally NO TIME in the last month (month, yes?) since I've posted. Okay, whatever, almost a month, but still. I've had rehearsals like crazy for my holiday show THIS SUNDAYYYY and I have just been up to my neck in so many things. I don't even know what's going on. I'm sick too.

FUCK WHY? I HAVE TO BE BETTER BY SATURDAY. That's dress rehearsal for the show at the studio and then Sunday morning, we're having another rehearsal AT the college. My voice HASSSS to be okay but AT LEAST Sunday morning because I'm singing 3 songs in the show BY MYSELF. So obviously people will notice if I sound stuffy or nasally and it will just be really bad. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Also, thinking of another thing...the only time lately that I get to post on here is during school; particularly french class. Why? Because we fucking don't do shit in this class so I'm just sitting here. Funny how this is when I post here most often. Hate. This. Class. DONE.

But yeah, aside from the cold I'm starting to get, I'm SUPERRRR stoked for this show. I'm just so excited. What more can I say? I have 20+ people coming to see me and it's going to be an awesome show. Metro always puts on awesome shows, so OBVS.

& side note: wow, I think this is the most I've written on this blog in a long time. AND WHY, AGAIN? Because I have so much time in french class. Spent, no, not learning french, but typing away on my blogger. Good times.

i reached 100 posts (this being 101)

Wow, weird. Although I never update FAR as frequently as I should, and I really have to get on that because there's SO much going on that I have to put on here. A lot still from the summer. I'm just so busy lately. It's ridiculous. Junior year...LOVE IT.

...uhhhhhhm, no.

It's ACTUALLY kicking my ass so hard. So I just have so much shit going on, I barely have time to sit down and breathe, not to mention shut my eyes for more than 2 seconds. Ugh. But I will make it a priority to sit down either today or tomorrow, and just totally edit everything that I've needed to update about. I know no one really reads this, so it's not like I'm letting anyone down, but I need to do this for myself. Au revoir from French class. I hate that too. Fuck.

apparently

I'm so childish that it's hindering my ability to grasp reality and I don't want to grow up. Well you know what, fuck you. Ugh things going on this past three-day weekend have really been messing with my head and I have no patience for anything anymore. At least for right now. I'm in french class and we're supposed to be doing a project, but I'm not doing that shit. There's too much on my mind and I can't even begin to focus right now. I just have to get it all out on here. Ugh I hate things and people and stupid ideas and when people don't know or even have the slightest clue about whatever the fuck they're talking about. Fuck ignorant bitches. Just GET OUT.

I'll come back on later and explain what happened when I'm at home. I don't want to do it right now in school where there's the possibility of someone noticing and reading it. Ugh I still have to go through 5 fucking more periods and then a stupid half hour of talent night audition rehearsal with a girl I don't want to perform with and auditioning with something that I don't want to do and I'm upset that I got sucked into it in the first place. I'm too nice to tell her that I don't want to do it now, at this point anyway. I just was right now to be tomorrow after school because then I'll be in holiday show practice and I'll lose myself in learning choreography and just forget about everything.

My dad and his stupid shit with his fucking girlfriend is pissing me off again and he keeps talking about it during dinner. Like the one time she doesn't come to dinner, he still manages to find a way to incorporate her at our dinner table. I've been in the worst mood the past couple of days and I just hate everything right now. Can it just stop? Thanks. That's all I ask.

i'm just riddling with posts today

I just got back from ShopRite with my dad and now I'm in a horrible mood.  Today was just an all-around bad day and dance better cheer me up tonight.  I was in the store with my dad and I wanted to get some goldfish for snacks during the day at school because my lunch period isn't until 7th period out of the 8 periods that we have in school, so I basically don't eat until like 1:10 in the afternoon, but I don't eat breakfast either.  I never have time for it and my stomach always hurts when I do because I walk to school and I get cramps, but that's really beside the point.  So I wanted something to take to school for the morning to snack on so my stomach doesn't disembowel itself, growling for food up until 7th period.

My dad comes over after I put the goldfish in the cart and says to me, "I thought you were trying to watch your weight.  You should stay focused on trying to get back in shape, you know."

......

Fuck him.  I've been hating on myself lately, thinking I'm fat and need to lose weight and shit and he seriously has the ordacity to say that out loud, to my face?  What the fuck.  I'm a girl.  That equals = stronger emotional feelings than guys, bad moods during PMS, PMS IN GENERAL (fuck guys, they have nothing to complain about in their lives because they don't have to worry about going through the shit of PMS, pregnancy, and menopause), hating on ourselves because we never think we're good enough whether it be looks, personality, or anything else that sucks in life.  So I was craving goldfish.  IS THAT UNUSUAL?  And does that give someone I'm with the power to make a rude remark right to my face that automatically makes me feel insecure, pissed off, and annoyed?  Uhm no.

i cannot possibly stress enough

about how much i HATE french class. another class period wasted because we're not doing anything. my teacher is dumb, incompetent, and just a poor excuse for a educational instructor. & she basically just insulted the entire gay/lesbian population. this class sucks and it's only the third week of school. that's both sad and ridiculous. i could be doing something so much better, and productive for that matter, with my time. this is a huge waste of

1. my time

2. my brain cells

3. a class period that i could be doing something better in

4. just everything else in general

5. my good mood BEFORE coming to this class

yeah.

"let's just go into 'O Valencia' "

So I went to a Decemberists concert last night with Isabel, and they were absolutely AMAZING. Colin Maloy was so hilarious when he stopped to talk to everyone on stage in between songs and their whole first set was just all "Hazards of Love." After they finally finished after an hour, Colin says into his mic offstage, "THAT WAS ONLY ONE SONG!" Funniest thing ever. I'll have pictures and videos that I took uploaded shortly, but right now I'm in school, in fucking french class where we don't do anything. At least it's a half day today, so there's only 5 more minutes in the class. But every single fucking day, we just sit here and do nothing. She gives us a stupid worksheet or something to do and it's such lower lever french, it's not even funny, but no one wants to do it so we just sit here and she comes out with remarks like, "Oh, I know the vocabulary is a little tricky, so I'll give you guys a little but more time with it." Yeah. Okay. Fuck you. Fuck french class.

fear not, i didn't go anywhere

Wow, I'm getting really bad about not posting on here...like it's really bad.

Let's see, what's been going on?

• I started junior year.  KILL ME, PLEASE?  kthnx.
• I went to NY state with my cousins who I never see except for labor day weekend and a few times a year, and I really miss them and miss it up there.  We're trying to schedule a paintball match up there soon.
• I got my bottom braces on & my mouth KILLLLLLLLS.
• I can't wait for the SYTYCD tour with Brandi; it's going to be the shit.
• I also have a Decemberists concert coming up on the 21st with Isabel.
• it's getting colder out and I love it <3
• WHAT ELSE?!  I have no idea.  BUT this is a promise:  I will post on here WAYYYY more than I have been.  Like, it's kind of ridiculous how little I've been writing on here.

So yeah, that's it for today.

take my pain away

So today is a very special day to me, although it's also the saddest, most terrible day of my life.  Today is the five year anniversary of my mom's passing.  I've been trying to keep busy, but moments like these right now, when I'm just sitting down and not doing anything, these are the moments when I think about what today is and how much I hurt inside.  I miss my mom so much and I wish she could still be here to see all of the things I've done and how I've changed and what kind of a person I have become.  But I know she's here...somewhere.  She's watching and she's got a good idea of what's going on and I know she sees me.  I know she's proud of me and she wants the best for me and my brothers and our family.  I love her so much.

But today also makes me so angry.  First, because I cannot even believe it's been five years since this happened.  It's only a day out of the entire year, but it still has a big, huge impact on my life so much, and I know it always will hold a special place in my heart.  It's like I stop thinking about everything else on this day.  I feel empty and breakable today.

And second, I am so upset with my dad today.  I have bee for weeks because of something he told me.  A few weeks ago, he told me that he was going to go to a wedding with his girlfriend for some friend of her's daughter whom I've never met.  But whatever.  The thing that upset me the most was that he said it was today.  So, yeah.  He just left a few minutes ago, actually.  And I stared him down every second of it from when he walked out to the car until he pulled out and drove away down my street.  That's disgusting.  Who goes to a wedding with their girlfriend on the same date that your wife passed away?  Especially exactly five years after?  What the fuck.  Idiot.  He makes me so upset more often than I'm actually happy with being in his presence because all the time, the conversation always seems to adjust itself on his girlfriend.  Like, can he please realize for once that I don't really and could never give a fuck about her?

At least one of my friends came over for a good portion of the day, so that made it a little better.  But whatever.  I don't even know anymore.  People suck and never know what's going on right in front of them until someone else has to open their mouth and spell it out for them.  The end.

Diane Adrianna Germakian

January 2, 1953-August 21, 2004

RIP ♥

I love & miss you so much