i'm just riddling with posts today

I just got back from ShopRite with my dad and now I'm in a horrible mood.  Today was just an all-around bad day and dance better cheer me up tonight.  I was in the store with my dad and I wanted to get some goldfish for snacks during the day at school because my lunch period isn't until 7th period out of the 8 periods that we have in school, so I basically don't eat until like 1:10 in the afternoon, but I don't eat breakfast either.  I never have time for it and my stomach always hurts when I do because I walk to school and I get cramps, but that's really beside the point.  So I wanted something to take to school for the morning to snack on so my stomach doesn't disembowel itself, growling for food up until 7th period.

My dad comes over after I put the goldfish in the cart and says to me, "I thought you were trying to watch your weight.  You should stay focused on trying to get back in shape, you know."

......

Fuck him.  I've been hating on myself lately, thinking I'm fat and need to lose weight and shit and he seriously has the ordacity to say that out loud, to my face?  What the fuck.  I'm a girl.  That equals = stronger emotional feelings than guys, bad moods during PMS, PMS IN GENERAL (fuck guys, they have nothing to complain about in their lives because they don't have to worry about going through the shit of PMS, pregnancy, and menopause), hating on ourselves because we never think we're good enough whether it be looks, personality, or anything else that sucks in life.  So I was craving goldfish.  IS THAT UNUSUAL?  And does that give someone I'm with the power to make a rude remark right to my face that automatically makes me feel insecure, pissed off, and annoyed?  Uhm no.

i cannot possibly stress enough

about how much i HATE french class. another class period wasted because we're not doing anything. my teacher is dumb, incompetent, and just a poor excuse for a educational instructor. & she basically just insulted the entire gay/lesbian population. this class sucks and it's only the third week of school. that's both sad and ridiculous. i could be doing something so much better, and productive for that matter, with my time. this is a huge waste of

1. my time

2. my brain cells

3. a class period that i could be doing something better in

4. just everything else in general

5. my good mood BEFORE coming to this class

yeah.

"let's just go into 'O Valencia' "

So I went to a Decemberists concert last night with Isabel, and they were absolutely AMAZING. Colin Maloy was so hilarious when he stopped to talk to everyone on stage in between songs and their whole first set was just all "Hazards of Love." After they finally finished after an hour, Colin says into his mic offstage, "THAT WAS ONLY ONE SONG!" Funniest thing ever. I'll have pictures and videos that I took uploaded shortly, but right now I'm in school, in fucking french class where we don't do anything. At least it's a half day today, so there's only 5 more minutes in the class. But every single fucking day, we just sit here and do nothing. She gives us a stupid worksheet or something to do and it's such lower lever french, it's not even funny, but no one wants to do it so we just sit here and she comes out with remarks like, "Oh, I know the vocabulary is a little tricky, so I'll give you guys a little but more time with it." Yeah. Okay. Fuck you. Fuck french class.

fear not, i didn't go anywhere

Wow, I'm getting really bad about not posting on here...like it's really bad.

Let's see, what's been going on?

• I started junior year.  KILL ME, PLEASE?  kthnx.
• I went to NY state with my cousins who I never see except for labor day weekend and a few times a year, and I really miss them and miss it up there.  We're trying to schedule a paintball match up there soon.
• I got my bottom braces on & my mouth KILLLLLLLLS.
• I can't wait for the SYTYCD tour with Brandi; it's going to be the shit.
• I also have a Decemberists concert coming up on the 21st with Isabel.
• it's getting colder out and I love it <3
• WHAT ELSE?!  I have no idea.  BUT this is a promise:  I will post on here WAYYYY more than I have been.  Like, it's kind of ridiculous how little I've been writing on here.

So yeah, that's it for today.

take my pain away

So today is a very special day to me, although it's also the saddest, most terrible day of my life.  Today is the five year anniversary of my mom's passing.  I've been trying to keep busy, but moments like these right now, when I'm just sitting down and not doing anything, these are the moments when I think about what today is and how much I hurt inside.  I miss my mom so much and I wish she could still be here to see all of the things I've done and how I've changed and what kind of a person I have become.  But I know she's here...somewhere.  She's watching and she's got a good idea of what's going on and I know she sees me.  I know she's proud of me and she wants the best for me and my brothers and our family.  I love her so much.

But today also makes me so angry.  First, because I cannot even believe it's been five years since this happened.  It's only a day out of the entire year, but it still has a big, huge impact on my life so much, and I know it always will hold a special place in my heart.  It's like I stop thinking about everything else on this day.  I feel empty and breakable today.

And second, I am so upset with my dad today.  I have bee for weeks because of something he told me.  A few weeks ago, he told me that he was going to go to a wedding with his girlfriend for some friend of her's daughter whom I've never met.  But whatever.  The thing that upset me the most was that he said it was today.  So, yeah.  He just left a few minutes ago, actually.  And I stared him down every second of it from when he walked out to the car until he pulled out and drove away down my street.  That's disgusting.  Who goes to a wedding with their girlfriend on the same date that your wife passed away?  Especially exactly five years after?  What the fuck.  Idiot.  He makes me so upset more often than I'm actually happy with being in his presence because all the time, the conversation always seems to adjust itself on his girlfriend.  Like, can he please realize for once that I don't really and could never give a fuck about her?

At least one of my friends came over for a good portion of the day, so that made it a little better.  But whatever.  I don't even know anymore.  People suck and never know what's going on right in front of them until someone else has to open their mouth and spell it out for them.  The end.

Diane Adrianna Germakian

January 2, 1953-August 21, 2004

RIP ♥

I love & miss you so much

soreness + cramps = let's write a blog entry!

No enthusiasm intended of course.  I'm just sitting here on my bed being miserable because I feel so shitty.  I'm home alone and I can hear the crickets (or is it the cicadas?) making that calming, soothing noise outside.  The AC's blowing, so I have my MDI sweatshirt on to go to bed in because I'm so cold.  I could just turn the air down, but I don't want to get up; it hurts too much.  (On a side note, my dad will probably shut it completely off when he gets home)  Yeah, he's out and I'm not.  That's cool and everything.  Oh, so two days ago, this random guy came to the door and told my dad that he was getting subpoenaed by his girlfriend's husband (yes, you read that correctly, she's still married ((ughh I hate her.  yep.)) although she's been going through the divorce process for a little over a year now and she's been dating my dad for almost 5 and never told him about it until Feb. 2008, but that's a REALLY long, annoying story that I think I might have on here somewhere already and I so don't want to talk about her).  So my dad was in a really bad mood and was yelling at her on the phone a few nights ago when she called after he got it.  I could hear him from downstairs.  I was upset that he was upset, but oh how much I loved to hear him yell at her.  I don't really know what I'm saying.  So much has been going on and I haven't been putting it on here to just get it out and make myself feel better.  But I should.  But it is a lot.  I think I'll do that tomorrow.  & that IS a promise.  I feel horrible right now, mentally and physically, so I'm going to call it a night after this little mini rant sesh of mine.  Thank you, Blogger, for you unconditional, uncanny ability to allow me to express whatever I'm feeling and not have to worry about judgement, discrepancies, or a violation of my privacy from anyone I don't want.  Yours truly...

& AMERICA'S FAVORITE DANCER IS...

JEANINE MASON

♥

and after a very long-awaited delay...

I AM BACK.  FUCK YES.  I got me my laptop, I got home from Costa Rica and the horrible airport and immigration/customs system less than an hour ago, but i AM NOT ready to blog about everything that's been going on since my last post when I didn't know when I'd be back on again (and no, it wasn't 2 weeks).  BUT I will be tomorrow after some rest from staying up all night TONIGHT setting up things on this handy-dandy 15" MACBOOK PRO of mine.

and just once more for emphasis...FUCK YES.