into your hurricane

I don't feel like doing anything right now.  Everyone's working on the English project, but I'm so unwilling to do that.  I want to do a good job on it and I know what I'm doing with it, but I don't have the motivation right now.  It's a rainy Tuesday morning and I keep thinking that it's Wednesday for some reason.  I'm stressing for a huge chem test that I have 8th period and it's now 2nd.  If I don't do well on this test, my average will be shot for the marking period and possibly the rest of the year.  But no pressure or anything.

My dad and brothers were supposed to get me a MacBook Pro for my 16th birthday.  That was almost a month ago in 4 days.  Yeah right.  My dad put on this stupid stipulation that I have to do well in my grades [[get all A's and B's]] if I'm going to get something like that.  I think that's ridiculous.  Why should he be able to hold out on my 16th birthday present?  I've already turned 16 anyway despite anything school related.  Why should this be any different.  And it's not like I asked for anything else for my birthday as it is.  Everyone kept asking me what I wanted, and I had no definite answer for any of them.  The only thing I was sure about was that I wanted my own Apple laptop.  That's all.  I guess I can't even be cared about enough to get the one thing I wanted most.

Whatever though.  This is stupid.  It's been almost a month as I said and it's kind of becoming ridiculous.  I got a C in chem last marking period and now its the last one before summer.  I told my dad and he's just like, "well I guess we'll have to see how you do next marking period."  He's really going to hold out on this.  I can't believe it and it's making me think that I don't even want this anymore.  It's the one thing that I wanted and I guess it's never going to happen because unless I get above a B on this test I have 8th period, my grade's going to remain a C+.  This just tops everything in my life right now.  I can't deal with anything.

I'm tired about complaining about things that don't change though.  Its never going to change, so why waste the breath in bitching about it?  I don't even know why I waste my time sitting around, waiting for something that won't happen.  So what's the point?  I'm always feeling depressed and fragile and I put on a smile so people don't get worried.  But I'm just ripping apart inside and no one knows it.  No one realizes the agony I'm in every second of every day and I always wish the feeling would go away.  I never want the source of the feeling to go away because I fear that I may lose it forever if that were to happen, but just that feeling of emptiness; even if it were gone for just a day, that would be enough to relieve me of everything before going back to routine.

I don't know what to think of anything anymore nor do I really have the patience.  I find myself lacking more and more patience and self-discipline lately and it's really discouraging.  I don't want to do anything.  It's already started tainting the things that used to help me let it all out.  I sometimes find myself not wanting to do the things that I know I love doing.  It's very difficult to deal with, but I'll get it done somehow.

I always think that I'm complaining too much when I'm on here, but I guess that's what this blog is for, right?  It's for me to let out what I'm feeling; even if that means moaning about my problems and how I hate life.  No one can judge me here.

I am the author of my own happiness & demise.

dare i spy a hypocrite?

someone once said that they think it's the worst feeling to have a friend who's hurting on the inside when there's nothing that they can do for that friend.

♥

Why can't anyone see that that person is me?

color blind

I don't see anything anymore.  Everything has gotten blurry and I can't make out normal images; it doesn't matter if they're right in front of my face.  I don't notice what's going on and I just wait as it consumes what's left of me.  The End.

evermore it is lost from darkness come

I don't know what's going on.  The unbearable heat in my house isn't really helping my mind that much either.  I'm always bitching and moaning about how I have so many problems.  But I'm not going to go take the, "so many other people probably have worse off problems than I do," or anything like that though.  You don't think I know that already?  I really haven't written a serious blog in a while.  I think I'm pretty much way overdue.

I don't know if I'm in that state to just release everything that's been going on right now though.  I doubt I have the stability for it and it's just way too hot to stay focused on anything right now.  I'm getting really pissed off with life.  And no, that's not a suicidal sign, thank you very much.  There's just way too much going on.  But when isn't there crap going on in my life?  I've never had that one bracket of time where everything just goes as planned and how I wanted.  Something always has to go and get itself fucked up in someway or another.

I feel like everything going on is so much more serious than I give it credit for.  I try to talk to some of my friends about it; some of them get it, others don't really see where I'm coming from.  And that's okay, I guess.  I don't expect everyone I know to get me, nor am I prepared to divulge my whole mask of problems to them.  Nope.  Not a chance.  I don't tell everyone everything, and that's how I like it.  I'm not going to go up to someone I barely talk to and tell them everything there is to know about me and have them assess me.

As for another thing...I know who reads this blog.  I am fully aware because I gave them my personal consent, without which they wouldn't dare read this.  But I have something to say to you.  Whatever the matter may be, you're busy, you're short on time, anything of that sort, it doesn't mean you can just come on here and read what's going on with me and then know about it and not talk to me.  Yes, I do write this, and it comes from my thoughts and my own mind, so I guess it's sort of my direct connection, but it's not for you.  It's for me.  It keeps me sane and that's the only reason I have this.  As it says above, it's my journal; private to everyone I know, but you.  So don't take advantage of it in that sense.  I trusted you with it and allowed you to read it, so treat it with respect and talk to me every once in a while.

That's all for now, I guess.  I'm tired, so I'm gonna go get some rest.  Maybe things will be better this week.  Nothing will change.

requiem for a dream

I was just in the writing/venting mood, but now I'm completely and totally out of it.  I don't want to write anymore when about ten minutes ago, as I was doing some sort of pointless chore to get my house ready for Easter, I was itching to get on here.  UGHHH FML.  I have so many problems.  It's probably not a good thing at all.  My birthday was 2 days ago.  It was a good time.  But then shit happened which managed to cancel my birthday out all the way.  Goody.

I'll come back the second I feel anxiety.

April 9th at 12:00 A.M.

It's my birthday :D

I think I'm gonna post later today because I'm super tired.  But YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I'M 16.

ki'mdonebaiii!

*sigh* waiting...

There's 20 minutes until my birthday.  I'm waiting until I can write a good post.

*taps foot impatiently*  Figuratively of course.  I'm sitting down right now.

we don't have time for this

I don't know how I'm feeling right now.  I'm being very sullen and non-responsive, which is probably pissing my brother off and making my dad uncomfortable.  I have a killer stomach ache and didn't go to dance tonight even though I've been looking forward to going back for the last week since Seussical opened.  It's not because of my oddly painful stomach ache that I didn't go though, I just didn't feel up to it.  I'm under so much emotional stress and pressure right now.

The idea clicked in my head a few days ago that this marking period in school is over next week.  Which means that we'll be into the fourth marking period, meaning that this year is basically done.  So I'm basically almost a junior.  That means so much shit that I'm going to have to go through will college and SATs and HSPAs.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.  I don't feel like I'm ready; it feels like it's speeding down a hill, going way too fast to stop until it crashes into something.  That something would be my anticipation.

I was also planning my 16th birthday party on Tuesday night and at first it seemed like a good start.  I was looking for having it on the 19th at a restaurant.  But then my dad shot in and basically picked a restaurant for me because his friends own it and there's this wine tasting event going on so that would give him an opportunity to invite my friends' parents and have them come too.  I don't know, that's kind of when it got less fun for me.  We'd have a room downstairs for the bunch of us [[I was planning to invite 9 people, although I want way more than that to come, but I have to keep money in mind]], but I don't know, it just seemed boring.  I had in mind that we would have dinner there and then go back to my house, but he said that would just be it; the party at the restaurant and then everyone goes home.  I didn't like that.  Everyone would be so bored just reduced to one place with nothing to do.  They have a music system, but it only takes CDs and, being realistic here, who really has a lot of CDs in their possession anymore?  That's what I thought.

So right now, I'm trying to think of something else to do.  Oh and I added everything up to what it would end up coming out to money-wise...$1,106.  Yeah, no thanks.  I want something more simple.  Just me and some of my close friends doing something fun and easy.  I don't need all of this stress right now.

I still have to talk about the play.  That's a novel entry in itself and all the baggage that goes with it as of right now, so maybe in another post.

Not to sound dorky or anything [[what do I care though, really?]], but I seriously have a lot of blogging to do.  Maybe making a list of what I have to talk about will work better.

• Seussical/Disorientation
• Nicole [[one of my best friends]] & dick boyfriend
• overall stress
• I never talk to the people I want to anymore
• I'm just starting to find myself
• I'm realizing how hard life really is
• The possibility of the fact that I might be having an emotional/stress breakdown.
• Frequent meltdowns lately...is that supposed to happen?

I'm under way too much stress.  I can only deal with so much.  None of this is helping nor am I in the proper state right now to even begin to think about ways to cope with it.  And yet again...Fuck my life.