breaking dawn.

So I got my book today and all I've been doing is reading [[taking breaks for the necessities of course, i.e. food and getting up every now and again to stretch my muscles]]. I'm in love with the characters in this series, it's basically unhealthy. && it's the best thing in the world right now <3

holy shit.

So I FINALLY got my new phone today-- LG Voyager <3333. I love it. I'd been waiting to go and get it for almost about two weeks now, so I think it was about time. I haven't gotten a new phone in like 2 years and then I didn't have my phone for a few months because it broke, so I was basically without it for a decent amount of time which made me sad, but I dealt. I'm not like people who CONSTANTLY need to be texting with their phones or "will die" if they don't have one. ANDDDD my dad got an unlimited texting plan so that kind of just added to the fun of things. =D

I went to work today and it was SOOOO BAD. It started out ok, but then Melanie and I were gonna take the kids outside [[we only had 5 today so it wasn't bad]]. We usually use these big, red buggies to take them outside though--we strap them in, one by one, and cart them over to the playgroud...but no. Today we [[well it was Melanie who told me to do it]] had them walk there with us because they're 1, going on 2, and they can walk by themselves. But the worst thing happened...it was so bad. We were getting them outside and I opened the door to take them out and one of the others was trying to shut it and I heard Olivia wailing and screaming and I ran inside to see what was wrong and her last two fingers on her left hand were caught in the door! It was so horrible and I felt SO BAD. Her pinky finger was bleeding and I shouted to Melanie and she ran up and picked her up to take her inside to get an ice pack and get her cleaned up, and call her mom of course.

So I waited outside with the other 4 kids, trying to get them to play, but I was still so taken back by what had just happened and I felt like it was my fault; I felt SO HORRIBLE. Olivia's such a cute little girl and, ugh, just to see that happen was the worst. But she came back out with Melanie with an ice pack on her fingers, they were so swollen, but she seemed fine after that and not too long after, her mom showed up to take her home. So that was the end of that. But then Natalie started to cry like uncontrollably so I took her inside and gave her sippy cup to her. She was MADDDD thirsty because she gulped it down in like 2 seconds.

And now I'm just home alone, sitting here with nothing to do; trying to make plans, but that isn't going so well at the moment...but hey, maybe something will turn up.

Dancing.

Time is gonna take my mind

And carry far away where I can fly

The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you

If I were to be alone, silence would rock my tears

'Cause it's all about love and I know better

How life is a waving feather



So I put my arms around you ;; around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you ;; they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking



No, I won't step back, but I'll look down to hide from your eyes

'Cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath

Oh could burst if it were a bubble

And I'd better dream if I have to struggle



So I put my arms around you ;; around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you ;; they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me



I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you

No need for anything but music

Music's the reason why I know time still exists

Time still exists ;; Time still exists ;; Time still exists



So I just put my arms around you ;; around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong
My eyes are on you ;; they're on you
And I hope that you won't hurt me

How do mere words on a page cause you to feel so much? It changes your whole mood; your atmosphere; thinkings on your life and what's going on and the next steps to take and when to take them. It changes your whole persona on anything and everything you're thinking about no matter what they are. It can help you move on with the bad and accept it and bring on the good in order to embrace it with the same strength and as willingly as ever before. It helps you cope; helps you know that you're not alone when all else fails. It gives you motivation to do the impossible--things you never would've even begun to think about possibly achieving in your slightest dreams and thoughts while living. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.

I miss her.

Shayna Lans.

Like the days go by so fast and slow at the same time. It feels like the days fly by but the hours drag on and onnnnnn. And all of a sudden, it's August and so much and so little happens and then all the people you love have gone to school. It's emotional and fast and slow at once.

You're so strong thoughhhh...I can't even imagine but you are the epitome of a strong fighter. Well, you're so ridiculously strong, I can't believe youuuuu! I respect and admire and i love you for it; and you make me cry! Well it's incredible how moving you truly are! You're so inspirational, girl! You have some ridiculous power.

Be in the new Batman! I love Batmannnnnnn <333 It was amaaaaazing! I'm like obsessed with it. I watch clips on youtube over and over and oveeeeeeeeer.

Aww yeah, I feel like Caylin told me you were intimidated; but this year taught me a lot about what is and isn't important. Like intimidation and popularity is so so overrated now and I'm so over that and I'd rather be a real person; not fake and popular, you know? I'd rater be real and cool to talk to.

You totally are growing on me, Ginny Germakian...=D but I'm gonna say goodnight now babe <3 I'll talk to you soon. Love you cutiegirlllll!








I heard about her all the time from other people in my grade more over into the "popular scene" while going through 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. By the time I first saw what she looked like, I immediately remembered her being on one of my pee-wee soccer teams back in maybe 3rd grade or so. I remembered a lot about her from then. She was a nice girl; always willing to lend a hand and very, very pretty...nothing had changed when I soon met her this past year. Everything about it scared me. She was part of this group and I don't know what it was but just the girls who were in it with her scared the fucking crap out of me. Maybe it was the way they looked; all of them, the same glares you give to someone you don't know...

She was in my fourth period honors french 2 class and over that year in that class together, we bonded; growing stronger and stronger in our friendship. It surprised me. How I thought of her in the beginning and now looking at what it had magically happened over a course of ten months of being around each other. She said she had gotten sick of her old friends and the way they had come to be to one another, treating her with little respect; which wasn't what anyone wanted. So she pulled herself away, slowly but surely, and now she seems a lot happier with herself and with her life, not being held down by their bad reputations.

She's a good kid; hard-working, caring, easy to talk to...extremely easy to talk to. I could pour out my whole life story to her and she wouldn't get bored with me in the slightest. And I would say and do the same for her. She's not like many other girls I've met. Not like many girls I've been around before with that look of intimidation written across her forehead when you first lay eyes on her without knowing the slightest detail about who she is and what she stood for.

She's funny and and all-around wonderful person to be around for hours on end. She knows what she's talking about and knows exactly what to say most of the time. And I somehow feel that the things I can never seem to explain myself, she can with no hesitation whatsoever. It fascinates me and at the same time it just bewilders the shit out of me. I would have never thought this would be happening but we're actually a lot closer than I would have anticipated before I had even seen what she looked like after hearing her name countless times.

It's funny how things happen. They all happen for a reason. I think the reasoning behind this was that people can change; cliques can mesh. I wouldn't call myself the most popular person in my grade but I definitely wouldn't say that people don't know who I am when my name is mentioned or I'm seen in the hallways. I made a good name for myself before high school and I've made so many new friends since. But her of all people, I would have never expected to be involved with. She really is a great friend and I don't know how to describe it or say it really, but I would have never seen this coming.

This makes me shed a new light on people and how they aren't all the same sometimes. I used to think that the people she ran with were all mostly, if not basically identical, the same personality wise and she's proven me wrong. Which I find surprising and in a way, not surprising at all. She's the kind of person who doesn't hold stupid boundries like groups of friends or cliques [[to be frank]] seriously and she'll talk to anyone. As she said before...she'd rather be real and cool to talk to than fake and popular.

wow

So Rebecca came over last night and she saved me from possibly dying of boredom; it was so bad. We went to town and got food then went to Blockbuster to look around for a good movie to watch. I picked up 10,000 B.C. for my brother because I knew he wanted to see it and I decided to be the nice little sister and do something for him every now and again. We wanted to get a good 80's movie because I mean, who doesn't love those?! So we were set on the Breakfast Club but you know, Blockbuster didn't have it. Blockbuster DID NOT have it. We were pretty pissed. I mean, who doesn't return the movies they rent? C'mon, other people wanna watch those movies and you know what? They can't if it's lying somewhere in your house.

So that was the end of that. We gave up on the Breakfast Club and decided on a Disney movie. We ALWAYS watch those and they always make me feel happy. We both wanted to get one that we haven't seen in a while so we decided on Tarzan. Everybody likes Tarzan, right? Right. So we go look for it and...AGAIN not there. So we got really frustrated BUT then we found the Sandlot and got happy. So we picked that up and on the way back to my house we got slurpees. I love slurpees. They're the best; only like, what, a dollar? And they're delicious and sugary beyond all belief.

So we got to my house and watched that and then we popped in the Lion King for some laughs because that is just one of the BEST Disney movies made and everyone should know that by now. When we were done, Rebecca's mom came to pick her up and I was alone, yet again. Oh well. It was still fun while it lasted and it's not like it's the last day of summer. Although I really can't believe that on August 1st, summer will officially be half over. It's kind of scary. I'll be a sophomore and some of my friends will be starting college. It's insane.

I couldn't sleep AT ALL last night. I think I wound up collapsing from exhaustion somewhere around like 5:10 in the morning just because I wasn't tired at all. And if I tried to sleep at a decent time, it wouldn't work out for me, so I stayed up and had a really nice texting conversation with Christine for like an hour while she was at Paul's house. Paul has mono, which sucks so she's been there with him everyday. I hope she doesn't get it ahah. But yeah. We really got into our conversation and it made me start thinking to the last time we had like a real legit, deep conversation about something...it had been a while so I liked it a lot. And maybe ONE of these days, this girl will answer one of my texts at a decent hour instead of 2 in the morning so we can actually hang out and do nothing. That would be something.

I really wanna do that, she has no idea. I've been wanting to do something, anything with her since like January but that has yet to take place as of now; which makes me a little upset. Even though she'll still be around when she goes to college, I'm still not sure how often I'll see her, so I want to make the most of this summer and it's already backfiring on me...

After texting for like an hour, she kind of stopped which made me a little sad. I got used to her responding to my texts like 5 seconds after i sent it and then she didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I really don't know why or what happened, I mean, I'm sure she got wrapped up in something at 3 in the morning? I really don't know...just as long as I do something with her soon because I never really get to talk to her when I see her at the studio. There's hardly anytime for talking because we're so damn busy learning the 15 dances for November.

So I then had nothing to do. So I watched 10,000 B.C. It was really odd and I'm still not sure is I liked it or not to say. But whatever. I wouldn't say that I recommend it because there wasn't all that much to it. It wasn't a very well thought-out story and it didn't demand my attention BUT it kept me occupied I guess.

After that ended I decided to try sleeping and that worked. So here I am. I just talked with my friend Shayna and found out that she had to quit our high school's varsity dance team because she's having hip problems. She said that if she keeps dancing, it might escalate to the point that in 20 years or so, she might have to get a hip replacement...which is a shame because she was mad amazing at what she did and it's just sad to see that happen to her. She's a wonderful dancer and doesn't deserve this AT ALL and I feel so bad. But she says that it's for the best, and I believe her, of course. And she was also saying something about losing interest in it anyway because her hip was getting so bad, it was limiting her to what she could do. And neither of us want her to be permanently handicapped. That would be horrible. So while the rest of the varsity dance team is at dance camp, she'll be getting medicine hip injections and trying to solve this problem; which means she's out the entire season for this school year...ugh.


ON ANOTHER NOTE...

I'm am SUPER.DUPER.MEGA.ULTRA excited for August 2nd...what is August 2nd, you ask? The release of Stephanie Meyer's 4th book in the Twilight Series, Breaking Dawn. I am SO stoked, it's not even funny. That should be a good day. I'm planning on reading that entire book the day I get it.

This summer's shaping up to be pretty odd.

can i sleep over tomorrow?

So it's summer...what else is new? Nothing's really been going on, I have to admit. Nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing too out of the ordinary. Which does make me a little upset. I guess I kind of wanted something strange to happen. I haven't really posted in a while about what's been going on, and I don't have too much time before I have to start getting ready for work, so here's the gist of it I guess; or until I have some more time to actually write things in full out body paragraphs in more detail...

-I've started/have been working at my job as a nursery school teacher for little one year olds and I have to say, I'm in love with each of them. They're so care-free about everything, it's almost hilarious. I have to get pictures of them soon so I can show people what they're missing.

-I'm supposed to be getting a new WORKING phone soon but that was supposed to be on Tuesday and it's Thursday now...so hopefully that will be fixed today since I don't have dance tonight...HOPEFULLY.

-I started back at MDI last week and I couldn't have been more stoked. I didn't realize how much I need to dance like every waking second before I start becoming a little insane. It's really odd, but it was a super relief to go there and just dance for hours on end and seeing everyone again and everything about the atmosphere there; it just rebalanced my whole self...it was great.

-OH and Brandi comes home today which I'm also really excited about...I have no clue when, but I'm sure that will be found out soon. So that makes me a little happier.

-I saw the Dark Knight with Phil the other night and it was just fantastic. It really made me sad watching Heath Ledger, knowing that when they do the third one, if they include the Joker [[which they shouldn't and here's why...]], NO ONE will be able to play the part as perfect as he did there. End of story.


So yeah, I have to go get ready for work, but I'll be back soon for more details on whatever's going on...

say a prayer for her up there

So July 10th was my parents' wedding anniversary...they would've been married for 32 years. It's kind of odd to look at things like that. I always wonder what would've happened to all of us and how my life would change if she was still here. I probably wouldn't take things as seriously as I do now and I wouldn't hold people as dear to me. Nothing would mean the same and the essence of some things and the existence of some others would totally and utterly disappear. I wouldn't look at life in the weird, twisted up way that I see it now through my little brown eyes. Major things in my life now would just stand to be smaller in this alternate reality where she was still alive.

On the other hand, I wouldn't have grown up without her and she would've always been there in my life and there for me and my brothers and everyone else, but then I wouldn't think of some special people as being as close to me as they are now. They wouldn't mean as much to me in the way they are now and I would miss that [[of course I wouldn't have even thought about that because if she was still here, it probably wouldn't have happened in the first place, but I'm not going into that and getting all confused]]. But the point is, it happened. And as much as I would love it, time can't be rewound to the part where things can be done for a second time.

And I don't know, as bad as it may sound, if she was still here, I wouldn't be the same person that I morphed myself into. I wouldn't be who I am. I am what I am because of what happened and if that had been erased, who would I be? Would I be some what of a similar version of myself that I already am? I really have no idea, but also, [[again, as bad as this sounds]] if none of this had happened, then I wouldn't have the strong bonds that I have with the few people who I would probably lose myself if they weren't involved in my life.

The girls who I look up to and who I consider to be everything to me just because they've helped me so much...it wouldn't be the same. If I hadn't gone through anything for them to help me with, our bond wouldn't be as strong, and if I knew that, I wouldn't give it up for anything. I would probably have completely different relationships with them and nothing would go the way it has for the past 4 years. As I have come to understand, something good always comes out of something bad. And you know, looking back on it all, my life doesn't seem utterly horrible. I mean, yeah, it's not something that the average 11-year-old desires to go through, but still...it's made me unique in a weird sort of way, and I guess a lot of people have come to realize that.

I'm never going to be normal, as long as I live on this earth, and I'm never going to get better. My heart will always be broken for this and nothing in the world can ever fix it--I know, I've tried. As well as with other people. They've tried to make me feel better, but I don't want to feel better and forget. That would be the worst thing in the world. I want to remember every terrifying, harsh detail down to the last milli-second and remember what has made me so strong. Because you know, nothing can ever hurt me as bad as this has, which I guess is a plus? But it's never too late to try to mend something that's been broken in the past.

She would be proud of me. I've become a damn strong person and it's all because of her. I'm not ashamed or any of that, but yeah, I'm always a tad upset whenever it crosses my mind. But I try not to let that ruin my whole day. She's the source of everything; my energy, my motivation, my skills, my heart, everything that I do and set my mind to accomplish. I can just see it--if she was still here, she'd just be smiling; smiling because of everything she's taught me, and still is teaching me about anything and everything that someone can possibly face in life...and there's no end; it can be so, incredibly horrible, or something that just has you literally jumping because it fills you with such happiness. And you know, it's not something to regret, but something to remember; the last words she said to me were...

"Sweetheart, I love you."

Is it possible to know what you wanna say sometimes, but then be so incoherent that you just can't seem to find the words that fit and best suit what you wanna say and how you want to express it?

I have this feeling in my stomach that won't seem to go away. I need to talk to someone, bad.