Alright, so I feel like such a fucking idiot because I spent so much fucking time writing that blog post about that saga that it took for Ryan and I to start going out. AND BOY DO I HAVE A STORY, NOW. This past Sunday was the 4th of July, so you know, American independence celebrated throughout the country because we're 234 years old and all of that. Ryan and I were finally doing something together after I hadn't seen him for almost a week and we hadn't really had all that much time to hang out in the first place since summer had started, really. I was really excited to see him and spend some time with him, although he didn't really seem the same as me. Although, of course I would say that now, but wait, just wait. He got to my house a half hour late (at 4:30 in the afternoon) and we started making our way over to Beechwood Park. It was only about a 15-20 minute walk from my house, so I figured that would be good. We had planned to go on a walk anyway, and I couldn't really think of anywhere else to go.
When he got to my house, I went to go and give him a hug hello, and he kind of shied away form me subtly. Like, you know when someone just makes that tiny, little movement and it means something, so you pick up on it and it only takes a milli-second. So it was that and I was just thinking, Oh well alright then. We started walking and the entire time, he kept his hands locked in his pockets, where normally, he would hold my hand if we were walking somewhere, so that was weird, too. We got to the park and sat on the swings for a bit and made some talk. The atmosphere felt really off and I didn't know what to talk about or what to say. Then, Ryan turned to me and said the most negatively viewed words strung into a sentence, basically the gut wrenching feeling of the English language: "We need to talk..." I had no clue what he was going to say, but obviously break-up and problem shot through my mind, then. Of course it was just that. He said that he didn't think this was "working out" and that whenever we hung out, things felt awkward and he felt more like just friends. So here's me, thinking that before this, everything was going really well and nothing was wrong, so obviously this was coming straight out of left field for me. I didn't really say much, just because I was so stunned.
He's leaving for a summer music program for 5 weeks in a couple of days and he told me that he "wanted to get this done before he left so that he wouldn't miss me while he was gone." And you know, I was just laughing in my head by that point because he was being such a complete idiot. I was like, Oh so you weren't planning to miss me otherwise? Yeah, alright. He kept on apologizing every other second, also, like he thought that was going to make me feel any better about what he had told me. So that was cool, too, I guess. After he was done and I was just sitting there, still trying to make sense of everything, mind you, I didn't really want to stay there anymore. I had no idea that this was going to happen, but I planned on staying with him the rest of the day, and you know, after that, I didn't really feel like staying in his presence. I said I was going to go home after that shit was done and then, AND THEN, he says, "I can walk you home if you'd like." HAHA WHAT?! Okay, so wait, you just broke up with me in a park that I walked you down to, apologized to try to make me feel better, and then you think I can't get back to my house without your assistance? Like, no, are you kidding me? Fuck off. I can get back home by myself, thank you.
I tried to stay really unemotional throughout the whole thing. I've got this thing, I hate crying in front of people unless I absolutely can't hold it in and there's no way that I would be able to make myself stop. So I tried to hold it together as best I could, but then obviously as I was walking away, I let loose and started crying. It probably looked like I was really nonchalant about it, which might be the reason why he was able to do this so easily. It just came out without difficulty for him and I really don't know why that was the case. Obviously, that tells me that he didn't really care about putting forth the effort to try and fix this and it didn't mean that much to him, so he thought he'd let this one slide. Well you know what? Fuck you.
Now, I can't really even recall what I said during this time, but I can tell you that it really wasn't much at all. I was still stunned and lost for words, so I really just remember sitting there, not knowing what to think. However, now that I've obviously composed myself, I have a lot that I want to say to this guy. I was thinking I'd orchestrate a very well-written document, explaining my feelings. It's time I use this gift of conveying powerful thoughts through writing for some fun. Now, I'm going to write it on here, where I will then proceed to copy and paste it on to a Facebook message just for him. A little "going away present" before he ships off to Berklee for a month. I hope he has a wonderful summer.
Time to fuck shit up.
I have been doing a hell of a lot of thinking for the past four days; I have talked to my friends, getting all kinds of comments and advice and feedback. I have also noticed that I didn't tell you even a fraction of all of the thoughts going through my mind on Sunday as well as the time between then and now. I thought it best to get this done before we both left for the summer so we would know where the other stands and this does not have to rule over our minds, adding to the fact that you won't have to miss me either, as you so eloquently put it on Sunday. Going over the events in my mind, and how they played out, I would like to tell you that your reasoning for both breaking up with me and whatever route you took through your thoughts in the process of this was utterly awful.
Firstly, if you have got some kind of problem concerning the two of us while we are involved in a romantic relationship, I want to be sure of the fact that you will come to me with that problem so we can talk about it and solve it and work through it together. Now, obviously this wasn't the case because you just chose to keep it to yourself and end the relationship rather than bringing it to my attention as well. I hoped that you would have taken that initiative if you cared for my feelings and opinion on the matter, but it is now evident, as it was on Sunday, that you don't. Any kind of relationship involves work. The individual pieces don't fall perfectly even and into their exact place every single time. Even going beyond relationships, that is just life in general. You have to work for what you've got and you have to work to keep it the way it is. Nothing is going to come easily and it is most certainly not going to occur without any sort of building block to work off of.
Now, you see, that building block that I am referring to is a complicated frame of mind entitled "trust." Trust is earned, trust is taken away, and sometimes trust is never even established in the first place. I'm sure that you would probably like to think that I did, indeed, trust you, but now how would you really know that? You wouldn't. Unless you had talked to me and gotten to know me and done all of the things that should generally happen when two people are involved in a relationship. Now, if you had done that, you would have found out that I do, in fact, have numerous issues with trust. You would know that it takes a lot for me to just give in and give way to my emotions and thoughts without second guessing myself and the people in my life. You would know everything that I have been through to make me the person that I am today and what has molded me into myself. However, that takes a little bit more time to establish; I will inform you now that it definitely takes a hell of a lot more time than two months.
I honestly can't put my finger on what you were possibly expecting for us within that sort of time span. I don't know if you were expecting for us to really get each other, or for the both of us to meld together somehow, but I can tell you right now, that you cannot accomplish that in less than sixty days. At least not with me, you can't. If that's really what you were expecting, than I'm embarrassed that anything even happened to begin with. I don't even like thinking that you went into this with expectations. This should have been entered upon with an open mind because I truly didn't know you, and you didn't know me. Yes, we knew things about each other, but that isn't to count for anything. There are things that I was really looking forward to sharing with you as we got closer and I grew comfortable with letting them be known. Although, there is still that trust problem that always keeps making itself known. I don't completely open myself up to anyone unless something has really told me that everything else around me feels right, in a sense. That takes time, and it is in no way something that can be rushed or "expected."
I can't help but to not understand why you would tell me, for the second time, that you hoped we could be friends. You said that to me the first time before we had even started any sort of relationship, which was alright, but then however, after "everything changed on the Boston trip," (and it seemed like you did a complete 180 in a month and a half), you cannot simply revert back to that first frame of mind. Especially because the fact of the matter is, we had a relationship and I did actually believe you when you told me things had changed. So what? Did they honestly somehow go back to what they had been before, or did you just lie to me the second time after the trip? I really can't see how someone can go from just wanting to be friends, to wanting a relationship after saying that things had changed, and then back to just wanting to be friends. That is bullshit and I'm actually offended that you tried to pull that with me after this. I can tell you right now that I have no interest whatsoever in being friends. If you didn't have the decency to be honest with me when something was bothering you while we were supposed to be closer because of the fact that we were in an actual relationship, then I don't know how you would expect me to believe that you would have any sort of respect for me when we would be demoted down to a friendship, of all things.
I don't believe for a second that I would be treated the way that I am supposed to be, along with the way that I deserve to be. Inserting your apologies and various "I'm sorry's" didn't make me feel any better about what you had done and said, and then proceeding to tell me that I could feel free to kick you or slap you across the face didn't add much either. That just tells, and proves, to me that you didn't agree with your own decision if you wanted me to inflict that on you myself. That doesn't make you look manly, letting me know you can take it, and it doesn't earn you any sensitivity points with me either. Trying to apologize and say negative things about yourself also tells me that you don't actually think those things. It's to increase your ego and self confidence because you want to hear me negate them and say that "it's fine" and "you're still wonderful." Well, by now, I would think that you've gathered that that is not what is going to happen, so you can forget that. I'm not going to waste my time.
It had also conveniently came to my attention that there were rumors floating around that you were cheating on me. I did my work and got down to the bottom of them without having to be nasty because I went through the right people. I don't know if you were aware that these rumors existed or not, but frankly, I don't give a fuck because I know about everything now and I've obtained it from people who know their shit. If you did know, I can't say that I'm surprised that you didn't tell me, nor do I care. I do, however, want you to know that I can see why trust was a variable in our relationship because the people you surround yourself with are nothing of the sort, talking about everyone else and exploiting others like it was their day job. In fact, I hope you do know who started those rumors, and I hope you know why because I sure do. I still find that I am not one bit taken aback by that, either, because I had a speculation, and I was correct.
I hope you took the time to read this in its entirety and come to terms with reality. In all honesty, as much as the situation sucks, it's better to learn sooner rather than later about the kind of person you really are so you couldn't have the chance to completely break my heart months or years down the road. If you're going to have some kind of alternative business, you should honestly grow a pair and tell me upfront so other people don't get their chance to report your business to me for you. Now, I'm a very tough girl, and I know I'll bounce right back. Hell, I'm pretty sure after writing this, I already have. I will be straightforward with you (something you should work on) and tell you that I was really only upset for the first few hours. Afterwards, I just became annoyed because I thought about it and talked to people more and more. I don't have the time for games and expectations, and I most definitely don't have the forgiveness for dishonesty. Don't tell me one thing one day, and then something that is the complete opposite, the next. If you're going to be one of those soap opera guys that need to make your feelings like "Oh, I just don't feel it anymore," then I don't actually need you at all. This isn't One Tree Hill where the guys are more dramatic than the girls.
And another thing...don't sit and end a relationship with me as though it didn't pain you to cut it at all, and then ever-so-nonchalantly offer to walk me home. What did you think I would say? "No, Ryan, let's hang out some more." Are you actually kidding me? If you want fucking awkward, then you would have gotten it if I was that stupid and let you walk me home. That would have just been the icing on top of a horrendous day, ending with an even larger lack of communication. What you did caught me terribly off guard and I did not deserve that at all. It was overly inconsiderate and anything afterwards is not worth it. You should know before you ask a girl out if your connection is "just friends" or something more and you should have had the balls to talk to me about this before rather than making the mistake to tell me that you had been thinking about ending this "for a while." How long is "a while" anyway? We hadn't even gone out "for a while" yet. Had you made up your mind when you were sitting in the theatre at my show, watching me pour my heart out on a stage for everyone to see? For once, be honest with me and tell me if those thoughts had extended through from then. If that is the case, then I really resent you because I'm telling you right now that you have no right. If that is the case, then how dare you even attend?
Connection is a feeling that stays with you; it just doesn't pop out of nowhere. If you don't understand the process of communication, then you will never have a successful relationship in your life. It is not that complicated to talk things out, but obviously if you were willing to give up after less than two months, I can blatantly see that you weren't interested to work for this and it clearly didn't matter to you as I thought it would have.
I'm done. Bye.
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