30 Day Challenge

So I got this idea, here, from Sophie's blog.  It looks like a pretty fun thing to do, and something to get me back into the swing of blogging since I've been MIA for forever.  I should just get on back into it because it's supposed to be that easy, but for some reason, I'm finding it difficult.  So having this to do for a month should be good, amongst all of my other posts that will be making their way up here as well.  So here we go!

1. Introduce yourself

2. A recent picture of yourself and 15 facts about you

3. A picture of you and your friends

4. A habit that you wish you didn't have

5. A picture of somewhere you've been to

6. A favorite superhero and why

7. A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

8. A list of short term goals for this month and why

9. Something you're proud of in the past few days

10. Songs you listen to when you're happy, sad, bored, excited, mad

11. How you found out about Blogger and why you got one

12. Nicknames you have and why

13. A picture of you last year and now; how you've changed since then

14. A picture of you and your family

15. A song that makes you cry

16. An art piece

17. A talent of yours

18. A hobby of yours

19. A YouTube video

20. Whatever tickles your fancy

21. Your day in great detail

22. A picture of something that makes you happy

23. Your fears

24. Your best friend

25. Your beliefs

26. What's in your bag

27. Your first kiss

28. Something you regret

29. Something you miss

30. Your dreams

are you serious?

So I've got to be at dance in less than a half hour and my dad was telling me last night that he would be home before then to take me.  It's 6:35 and I have to be there at 7, so I give him a call to see where he's at.  Today he went and saw his friends, Billy and Denise, and they went holiday shopping and whatnot.  I call him and he says that they were late and just getting back and he's not going to be back here in time so I should try and find a ride.  Are you shitting me?  Why the hell would he not call and give me enough time so I'm not scrambling at the last minute, trying to find someone to drive me to dance on time?  That's both inconvenient for me and whoever I manage to get to take me.  This is ridiculous and that was very irresponsible of him.  I am so pissed right now.  And I'm blogging about it so I don't forget about it later.  Wow.  Fucking amazing.  Thanks for caring.

i thought this was beautiful

Dedicated to everyone who has committed, or thought of committing, suicide.

 -Todrick Hall

lol but really, though.

jenna anne kroff.

So I came across this girl's YouTube Channel today, and may I say, I'm just blown away with her.  She is so inspirational, beautiful, courageous, insightful, and just so many other adjectives in the English language.  What a wonderful human being.  You don't come across this every day, really.

you know every story, every wound, every memory...

So I'm watching Stepmom, and all that keeps running through my mind is, "I wish my mom were here with me."  I know I'm probably going to cry while I write this, but it's true.  Watching this movie is pretty much almost the epitome of what I had to go through as a child.  As I'm looking at where my life has taken me to, where I am at this very moment in my timeline, I just wonder what she would say.  I want to know what she would do when I submit my first college application, or how the ride would be to my first audition in a little over a month.  I want her to ensnare me in a big hug and calm me with her soothing words; I always found the most serene comfort there.  I just want her to pick me up and take me away from everything, and I want to go somewhere with her that's not just in my dreams or fantasies.  I want it to be real and never have to dread waking up to my Imogen Heap ringtone as my alarm.  I know there's all sorts of sentence fragments in here, but I don't care.  This is what I feel and this is what I need and this is also my blog, where I can do whatever I want and say whatever I want and write however I want because what I'm expressing on here is real, and the scariest emotions that I feel, all wrapped into this giant array of something that pushes and adds weight to my chest, trying to cave me in.  I feel like I'm going to explode with feelings like this and sometimes I don't know how to deal with them.

I just need my mom when things get like this.  Living through all of this silent shit with my dad, I need my mom here to talk to, so she in turn can talk to him, and resolve all of this for me.  I'm not scared...actually, no.  That's completely false.  I'm so scared that I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know how to talk to my father and tell him negative things.  I'd rather keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence, than go through a confrontation and raising my voice to make my mark.  I need her to help me find my voice.  I need her to be here and tell me that everything is going to be okay.  I need the mother that I always dream I still had, the one that I wrote about in my college essay, the one whose memory fills my thoughts every second of every day.

I know that she is proud of me.  That's what everyone always tells me.  That's what they think, and what they think will help to soothe my pain, so that is what they say.  I know that she wouldn't have her only daughter be different in any way or any less of the person I am now, but...

I just wish that I didn't have to hear it from everyone else.  I just wish that I could get that once in a lifetime chance for her to tell me herself.

cookies n'cream.

I just had ice cream, which explains the title.  I'm also in need of a nice long vent session on here.  That's to come tomorrow, promise...okay, double promise.  I know, I know, I always say that and then I don't post, but I will.  Trust me.

"humans use these little babies to straighten their hair out."

"...a dinglehopper."

~ Scuttle