take my pain away

So today is a very special day to me, although it's also the saddest, most terrible day of my life.  Today is the five year anniversary of my mom's passing.  I've been trying to keep busy, but moments like these right now, when I'm just sitting down and not doing anything, these are the moments when I think about what today is and how much I hurt inside.  I miss my mom so much and I wish she could still be here to see all of the things I've done and how I've changed and what kind of a person I have become.  But I know she's here...somewhere.  She's watching and she's got a good idea of what's going on and I know she sees me.  I know she's proud of me and she wants the best for me and my brothers and our family.  I love her so much.

But today also makes me so angry.  First, because I cannot even believe it's been five years since this happened.  It's only a day out of the entire year, but it still has a big, huge impact on my life so much, and I know it always will hold a special place in my heart.  It's like I stop thinking about everything else on this day.  I feel empty and breakable today.

And second, I am so upset with my dad today.  I have bee for weeks because of something he told me.  A few weeks ago, he told me that he was going to go to a wedding with his girlfriend for some friend of her's daughter whom I've never met.  But whatever.  The thing that upset me the most was that he said it was today.  So, yeah.  He just left a few minutes ago, actually.  And I stared him down every second of it from when he walked out to the car until he pulled out and drove away down my street.  That's disgusting.  Who goes to a wedding with their girlfriend on the same date that your wife passed away?  Especially exactly five years after?  What the fuck.  Idiot.  He makes me so upset more often than I'm actually happy with being in his presence because all the time, the conversation always seems to adjust itself on his girlfriend.  Like, can he please realize for once that I don't really and could never give a fuck about her?

At least one of my friends came over for a good portion of the day, so that made it a little better.  But whatever.  I don't even know anymore.  People suck and never know what's going on right in front of them until someone else has to open their mouth and spell it out for them.  The end.

Diane Adrianna Germakian

January 2, 1953-August 21, 2004

RIP ♥

I love & miss you so much

soreness + cramps = let's write a blog entry!

No enthusiasm intended of course.  I'm just sitting here on my bed being miserable because I feel so shitty.  I'm home alone and I can hear the crickets (or is it the cicadas?) making that calming, soothing noise outside.  The AC's blowing, so I have my MDI sweatshirt on to go to bed in because I'm so cold.  I could just turn the air down, but I don't want to get up; it hurts too much.  (On a side note, my dad will probably shut it completely off when he gets home)  Yeah, he's out and I'm not.  That's cool and everything.  Oh, so two days ago, this random guy came to the door and told my dad that he was getting subpoenaed by his girlfriend's husband (yes, you read that correctly, she's still married ((ughh I hate her.  yep.)) although she's been going through the divorce process for a little over a year now and she's been dating my dad for almost 5 and never told him about it until Feb. 2008, but that's a REALLY long, annoying story that I think I might have on here somewhere already and I so don't want to talk about her).  So my dad was in a really bad mood and was yelling at her on the phone a few nights ago when she called after he got it.  I could hear him from downstairs.  I was upset that he was upset, but oh how much I loved to hear him yell at her.  I don't really know what I'm saying.  So much has been going on and I haven't been putting it on here to just get it out and make myself feel better.  But I should.  But it is a lot.  I think I'll do that tomorrow.  & that IS a promise.  I feel horrible right now, mentally and physically, so I'm going to call it a night after this little mini rant sesh of mine.  Thank you, Blogger, for you unconditional, uncanny ability to allow me to express whatever I'm feeling and not have to worry about judgement, discrepancies, or a violation of my privacy from anyone I don't want.  Yours truly...

& AMERICA'S FAVORITE DANCER IS...

JEANINE MASON

♥

and after a very long-awaited delay...

I AM BACK.  FUCK YES.  I got me my laptop, I got home from Costa Rica and the horrible airport and immigration/customs system less than an hour ago, but i AM NOT ready to blog about everything that's been going on since my last post when I didn't know when I'd be back on again (and no, it wasn't 2 weeks).  BUT I will be tomorrow after some rest from staying up all night TONIGHT setting up things on this handy-dandy 15" MACBOOK PRO of mine.

and just once more for emphasis...FUCK YES.

stomach aches

So I haven't posted in a while and it's not like when I have been, I've been posting very worth while things.  Just what I've been feeling I guess.  I get my school laptop taken tomorrow, so I'll be sans laptop for a bit until I get my own, but who knows when the fuck that will be.  I keep having constant discussions arguments with my dad on the subject and, frankly, it's getting a little beyond ridiculous right now, to tell the truth.  So I'm just waiting.  If he says it's depending on my grades, then I just have to wait a week.  It won't kill me.  But I can't wait to be bitter about it once I finally get it.  So until then, I won't be posting for a while, not like I post on a daily basis anyway.  Which, if I might add, was always something that I would try to do, but then nothing would happen to talk about or I'd forget or be too busy.  But I think the summer will do a world of good when it comes to that.  We'll see how it goes.  But, for now, I bid you a fond farewell.  I'll be back in less than 2 weeks.

♥

i can taste the difference

He still doesn't seem to be picking up the memos.  Do I have to waste my time and literally spell it out for him?  I guess i just have to.  Because that's probably the only way I'll get him to listen to anything if it's coming from me.  He should have other, more important priorities than what he's focusing on right now, and that's just damaging everything even more.

Achieved Status: my life is crap and i want to shove this all deep into the inner workings of my mind so it can collect dust in the corner from being so utterly forgotten.

a slap from reality

News Flash: No one is real and nobody cares.  That's what it ultimately comes down to.  I can't rely on anyone but myself; it's sad, but true.  People don't seem to give a crap when they don't even realize what is going on around them and how things affect the people closest to them.  They just let it pass by without saying anything.  Do you think that person cares?  Sure they do.  Or at least they wish you would.  But you don't.  So congrats to you for sinking that person lower and lower into obscurity and self pity, making them think that there is nothing they can ever do to make it right.  Do your fucking job.  Be there for them because I can definitely bet everything I have to say that they are in fucking desperate shape because you haven't been there to listen.

For now, I'm done.  Talk when you realize how much damage you've singlehandedly done.

yalpdloC

I used to rule the world.  Seas would rise when I gave the word.  Now, in the morning, I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own.  I used to roll the dice, feel the fear in my enemy's eyes.  Listen as the crowd would sing, "Now the old king is dead!  Long live the King!"  One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me.  I discovered that my castles stand on pillars of salt and pillars of sand.

I hear Jerusalem bells 'a ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing, "Be my mirror, my sword and shield."  My missionaries in a foreign field.  For some reason I can't explain, once you go, there was never, never an honest word.  That was when I ruled the world.

It was the wicked and wild wind, blew down the doors to let me in.  Shattered windows and the sound of drums; people couldn't believe what I'd become.  Revolutionaries wait for my head on a silver plate...just a puppet on a lonely string.  Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells 'a ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing, "Be my mirror, my sword and shield."  Missionaries in a foreign field.  For some reason I can't explain, once you go, there was never, never an honest word.  That was when I ruled the world.