total eargasm

life feels like a giant mess sometimes

So I know I was on here a little less than a month ago, promising that I would be up-to-date with my blogging.  I even tried to do a 30-Day Challenge to get me back into the swing of things, but look how that worked out (though I do plan to fulfill that challenge because I really want to do it).  I need to be on here and write, though.  Actually write a quality blog post that no one will ever see but myself, and I'm fine with that.  I just need to get back on here and start writing for me again, like I always used to.  So I'll start with the most recent event that brought me back here initially.

A very dear friend of mine, Sarah, made it known to me that her boyfriend's father had passed away from cancer last week.  She asked me a huge favor, and that was to try and make my presence known to him if he needed to talk to anyone, or if he had any questions that he wanted to ask, or maybe just know the feeling of having someone in your life who knows exactly what you're going through.  I had met him a few times, but we were nowhere near close, but of course, I agreed to it.  I wanted to help him and contribute in any way that I could, and if this was the way to do it, then I was ready to offer anything, by all means.

Sarah and I went over to Uriel's house tonight for a few hours.  He had a bunch of his friends over from school (he goes to Yale), and I very quickly realized that I was the only non-Jew in the entire house.  I'll admit, I felt a little awkward, but I wasn't there to feel comfortable; no one could really feel comfortable after something like that anyway, so it was alright, I suppose.  They held a Hebrew prayer for his father and I stood in silence with respect as they honored him.  After his friends had left, we relocated to his room and talked about anything that he wanted to talk about, mostly just comparing our stories and telling each other the details and trying to bond on that level.  I think it was good for him to be able to talk about it with someone who can really understand what he is going through and what he still has to go through now that this has happened.  I can only hope that he will take advantage of having someone there if he ever feels that he needs to talk about anything at all.

However, what I found really great was the ride home with Sarah.  The whole time while Uriel and I were talking, she was silently and patiently sitting there, listening to us, and absorbing the conversation.  She had never really heard my story before, and for the long time that we have been friends, she never really found an appropriate way of possibly bringing it up to me or trying to talk about it.  She knew from our other mutual friends what had happened to me when I was younger, but she had never heard the full back story from me until tonight.  She drove me back to my house, and for about twenty minutes, we were just idling in my driveway, talking about what I had gone through.

She brought up an interesting point that I have always thought about, but I was surprised and proud of her that she was able to see this out of what she had taken in from my story earlier...she remarked on the fact that so many people experience the pain of cancer, and yet you never really think about how someone's life is totally marred by it.  She had never fully understood how so many can hurt so deeply, and that you would think that something like that would be so rare and uncommon, yet it is all around us.  I told her that everyone you know knows at least three people who have been affected by cancer in some way or another.  It is a real eye-opener to digest something on that kind of grand scale, in my opinion.

She wanted to know more about what I had gone through, asking me if I had ever gone to therapy and how I coped at a young age and all of those kinds of questions.  I was happy to answer them, of course, because Sarah is a great friend to me and I thought she should know everything there is to know about me.  I explained all of it to her, probably giving her a shit load to take in, really.  Though, when our conversation came to an end and I moved to get out of the car, she gave me such an endearing, loving hug that really said to me that she was very happy to have had the chance to hear me in my most vulnerable state, and she thanked me for that.  And I thanked her as well, for listening to what I had to say, and letting me voice everything freely because she made it known that she cared and wanted to know.  I am so blessed to have certain people who I can really trust and talk to and fall back on in my life, and she is definitely one of those people so near and dear to my heart; one of those people who I would do anything for because I know that they would, in turn, reciprocate and do the exact same for me if need be.

30 Day Challenge

So I got this idea, here, from Sophie's blog.  It looks like a pretty fun thing to do, and something to get me back into the swing of blogging since I've been MIA for forever.  I should just get on back into it because it's supposed to be that easy, but for some reason, I'm finding it difficult.  So having this to do for a month should be good, amongst all of my other posts that will be making their way up here as well.  So here we go!

1. Introduce yourself

2. A recent picture of yourself and 15 facts about you

3. A picture of you and your friends

4. A habit that you wish you didn't have

5. A picture of somewhere you've been to

6. A favorite superhero and why

7. A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

8. A list of short term goals for this month and why

9. Something you're proud of in the past few days

10. Songs you listen to when you're happy, sad, bored, excited, mad

11. How you found out about Blogger and why you got one

12. Nicknames you have and why

13. A picture of you last year and now; how you've changed since then

14. A picture of you and your family

15. A song that makes you cry

16. An art piece

17. A talent of yours

18. A hobby of yours

19. A YouTube video

20. Whatever tickles your fancy

21. Your day in great detail

22. A picture of something that makes you happy

23. Your fears

24. Your best friend

25. Your beliefs

26. What's in your bag

27. Your first kiss

28. Something you regret

29. Something you miss

30. Your dreams

are you serious?

So I've got to be at dance in less than a half hour and my dad was telling me last night that he would be home before then to take me.  It's 6:35 and I have to be there at 7, so I give him a call to see where he's at.  Today he went and saw his friends, Billy and Denise, and they went holiday shopping and whatnot.  I call him and he says that they were late and just getting back and he's not going to be back here in time so I should try and find a ride.  Are you shitting me?  Why the hell would he not call and give me enough time so I'm not scrambling at the last minute, trying to find someone to drive me to dance on time?  That's both inconvenient for me and whoever I manage to get to take me.  This is ridiculous and that was very irresponsible of him.  I am so pissed right now.  And I'm blogging about it so I don't forget about it later.  Wow.  Fucking amazing.  Thanks for caring.

i thought this was beautiful

Dedicated to everyone who has committed, or thought of committing, suicide.

 -Todrick Hall

lol but really, though.

jenna anne kroff.

So I came across this girl's YouTube Channel today, and may I say, I'm just blown away with her.  She is so inspirational, beautiful, courageous, insightful, and just so many other adjectives in the English language.  What a wonderful human being.  You don't come across this every day, really.

you know every story, every wound, every memory...

So I'm watching Stepmom, and all that keeps running through my mind is, "I wish my mom were here with me."  I know I'm probably going to cry while I write this, but it's true.  Watching this movie is pretty much almost the epitome of what I had to go through as a child.  As I'm looking at where my life has taken me to, where I am at this very moment in my timeline, I just wonder what she would say.  I want to know what she would do when I submit my first college application, or how the ride would be to my first audition in a little over a month.  I want her to ensnare me in a big hug and calm me with her soothing words; I always found the most serene comfort there.  I just want her to pick me up and take me away from everything, and I want to go somewhere with her that's not just in my dreams or fantasies.  I want it to be real and never have to dread waking up to my Imogen Heap ringtone as my alarm.  I know there's all sorts of sentence fragments in here, but I don't care.  This is what I feel and this is what I need and this is also my blog, where I can do whatever I want and say whatever I want and write however I want because what I'm expressing on here is real, and the scariest emotions that I feel, all wrapped into this giant array of something that pushes and adds weight to my chest, trying to cave me in.  I feel like I'm going to explode with feelings like this and sometimes I don't know how to deal with them.

I just need my mom when things get like this.  Living through all of this silent shit with my dad, I need my mom here to talk to, so she in turn can talk to him, and resolve all of this for me.  I'm not scared...actually, no.  That's completely false.  I'm so scared that I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know how to talk to my father and tell him negative things.  I'd rather keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence, than go through a confrontation and raising my voice to make my mark.  I need her to help me find my voice.  I need her to be here and tell me that everything is going to be okay.  I need the mother that I always dream I still had, the one that I wrote about in my college essay, the one whose memory fills my thoughts every second of every day.

I know that she is proud of me.  That's what everyone always tells me.  That's what they think, and what they think will help to soothe my pain, so that is what they say.  I know that she wouldn't have her only daughter be different in any way or any less of the person I am now, but...

I just wish that I didn't have to hear it from everyone else.  I just wish that I could get that once in a lifetime chance for her to tell me herself.