can i sleep over tomorrow?

So it's summer...what else is new? Nothing's really been going on, I have to admit. Nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing too out of the ordinary. Which does make me a little upset. I guess I kind of wanted something strange to happen. I haven't really posted in a while about what's been going on, and I don't have too much time before I have to start getting ready for work, so here's the gist of it I guess; or until I have some more time to actually write things in full out body paragraphs in more detail...

-I've started/have been working at my job as a nursery school teacher for little one year olds and I have to say, I'm in love with each of them. They're so care-free about everything, it's almost hilarious. I have to get pictures of them soon so I can show people what they're missing.

-I'm supposed to be getting a new WORKING phone soon but that was supposed to be on Tuesday and it's Thursday now...so hopefully that will be fixed today since I don't have dance tonight...HOPEFULLY.

-I started back at MDI last week and I couldn't have been more stoked. I didn't realize how much I need to dance like every waking second before I start becoming a little insane. It's really odd, but it was a super relief to go there and just dance for hours on end and seeing everyone again and everything about the atmosphere there; it just rebalanced my whole self...it was great.

-OH and Brandi comes home today which I'm also really excited about...I have no clue when, but I'm sure that will be found out soon. So that makes me a little happier.

-I saw the Dark Knight with Phil the other night and it was just fantastic. It really made me sad watching Heath Ledger, knowing that when they do the third one, if they include the Joker [[which they shouldn't and here's why...]], NO ONE will be able to play the part as perfect as he did there. End of story.


So yeah, I have to go get ready for work, but I'll be back soon for more details on whatever's going on...

say a prayer for her up there

So July 10th was my parents' wedding anniversary...they would've been married for 32 years. It's kind of odd to look at things like that. I always wonder what would've happened to all of us and how my life would change if she was still here. I probably wouldn't take things as seriously as I do now and I wouldn't hold people as dear to me. Nothing would mean the same and the essence of some things and the existence of some others would totally and utterly disappear. I wouldn't look at life in the weird, twisted up way that I see it now through my little brown eyes. Major things in my life now would just stand to be smaller in this alternate reality where she was still alive.

On the other hand, I wouldn't have grown up without her and she would've always been there in my life and there for me and my brothers and everyone else, but then I wouldn't think of some special people as being as close to me as they are now. They wouldn't mean as much to me in the way they are now and I would miss that [[of course I wouldn't have even thought about that because if she was still here, it probably wouldn't have happened in the first place, but I'm not going into that and getting all confused]]. But the point is, it happened. And as much as I would love it, time can't be rewound to the part where things can be done for a second time.

And I don't know, as bad as it may sound, if she was still here, I wouldn't be the same person that I morphed myself into. I wouldn't be who I am. I am what I am because of what happened and if that had been erased, who would I be? Would I be some what of a similar version of myself that I already am? I really have no idea, but also, [[again, as bad as this sounds]] if none of this had happened, then I wouldn't have the strong bonds that I have with the few people who I would probably lose myself if they weren't involved in my life.

The girls who I look up to and who I consider to be everything to me just because they've helped me so much...it wouldn't be the same. If I hadn't gone through anything for them to help me with, our bond wouldn't be as strong, and if I knew that, I wouldn't give it up for anything. I would probably have completely different relationships with them and nothing would go the way it has for the past 4 years. As I have come to understand, something good always comes out of something bad. And you know, looking back on it all, my life doesn't seem utterly horrible. I mean, yeah, it's not something that the average 11-year-old desires to go through, but still...it's made me unique in a weird sort of way, and I guess a lot of people have come to realize that.

I'm never going to be normal, as long as I live on this earth, and I'm never going to get better. My heart will always be broken for this and nothing in the world can ever fix it--I know, I've tried. As well as with other people. They've tried to make me feel better, but I don't want to feel better and forget. That would be the worst thing in the world. I want to remember every terrifying, harsh detail down to the last milli-second and remember what has made me so strong. Because you know, nothing can ever hurt me as bad as this has, which I guess is a plus? But it's never too late to try to mend something that's been broken in the past.

She would be proud of me. I've become a damn strong person and it's all because of her. I'm not ashamed or any of that, but yeah, I'm always a tad upset whenever it crosses my mind. But I try not to let that ruin my whole day. She's the source of everything; my energy, my motivation, my skills, my heart, everything that I do and set my mind to accomplish. I can just see it--if she was still here, she'd just be smiling; smiling because of everything she's taught me, and still is teaching me about anything and everything that someone can possibly face in life...and there's no end; it can be so, incredibly horrible, or something that just has you literally jumping because it fills you with such happiness. And you know, it's not something to regret, but something to remember; the last words she said to me were...

"Sweetheart, I love you."

Is it possible to know what you wanna say sometimes, but then be so incoherent that you just can't seem to find the words that fit and best suit what you wanna say and how you want to express it?

I have this feeling in my stomach that won't seem to go away. I need to talk to someone, bad.

a parting blessing

I'll miss my seniors. <3

Graduation was tonight and I feel like a legacy is leaving my life when I just met most of these kids in September. It's so insane how friendships can grow and strengthen in such a short amount of time if you really look at it. It's almost scary to think that you went through your life without knowing these people...but they always existed; you just weren't aware of it yet. Wow.

home all alone

So I've been thinking about how much certain people mean to me.

always&forever<3

the end of the beginning

Wow so yesterday and basically this whole week was wonderful, I gotta say. I was with my family, doing what I love to do, and had fun doing it. What more could I ask for? Recital went smoothly, disregarding my 5 zillion quick changes and ACCIDENTALLY stepping into The Prayer like 20 seconds late in the 1:00 show...=/ But all in all, yesterday was just amazing.

By the end of it all, a couple of us were crying a little bit. Christine swore she wouldn't but we all know that when someone says they won't cry, they end up doing just that. She couldn't help it...it was her last full year with us. But she says she's not going anywhere, which is a huge relief off my shoulders [[and most definitely hers too]] because I know I would die if I didn't see her beautiful face every week. Haha. As well as with Brandi. I will miss the both of them terribly.

Steen came back and gave me a huge hug for the card I slipped into her garment bag just before the 5:00 show ended and I said a temporary good-bye to her because I know I'll be seeing her soon because we have to hang out. But Brandi left and she didn't even say good-bye. I don't even know if she got the card I got her, let alone read it or anything. I hope she did. Now, contacting that girl is a whole other story since she never goes online, nor do I have her number. But we will find some way to meet over the summer. That's a definite. Damn I love those girls. =D

and she's off

After school today, I went to spend time at the place where I'm gonna work this summer just to get a feel for it and if it was really what I wanted to do.  I spent 3 hours in the classroom that I would be assigned to and I met the girl who I would be paired with.  She was and has already been working there for a while now with another girl who's leaving on Friday.  They're both seniors at PV and they were amazingly nice.  I liked them both a lot, Christina and Nicole.  Christina's the one I will be working with over the summer and she seems like a great person already.

Really unique and down to earth.  And she was great with the kids.  I could really learn a lot from her and when I start, she'd walk me through all of the basics.  That's really what the both of them did for me today.  I met all the kids, who were adorable but also a little rowdy, and they were just great to be around.  They were mostly 2 and 3 year olds and just balls of energy; and tears.  My goodness.  All the little things that toddlers cry for, it was insane.  He pushed her, she dropped this, he had that...it was almost ridiculous.  But the little hissy fits lasted for only about 2 minutes max and then they were fine.

I'm really looking forward to it though.  By the end of the afternoon, most of the kids had taken a liking to me already, I was surprised.  I came when they were in the middle of snack time.  Then, Christina and Nicole took the kids to the bathroom and then they played for a while.  After that, it was clean-up time and then they watched a movie.  Teletubbies of course, but about 15 minutes through, we got a little sick of it and switched that with The Land Before Time.  So we watched that with the kids while waiting for their parents to come, one after the other, and pick them up.  It was so cute, while were were watching the movie, one of the little girls, Ava, came up to me and sat on my lap.  She was so adorable.

I think I'm going to like this...=D

say what you need to say

I really don't have a point to this post, I kind of just feel like talking/venting/doing whatever to pass the time away.  & it's picture day tomorrow.  I still don't have any idea in hell about what I'm wearing, but it always works out somehow.  I miss picture day in elementary school; my mom would always dress me up in little sweaters she probably bought for me at the children's place and put a little bow in my hair and some year, I would always end up with a tooth missing somewhere in my mouth.  I looked so awkward, but at the same time, when I look at those pictures, it still looks pretty cute.  The way she would always pick out my clothes and decide everything for me, protecting me in that motherly sort of way because she doesn't want her little girl growing up.

It's a like a parent's worst nightmare.  One day, they're a little ball of joy and they're picking out your clothes and cutting up your food because they have this awful scenario playing on in their head that you might choke on the most microscopic piece, but they do it  just in case.  And then the next day, you're picking out your own clothes to wear to school in the morning and walking there by yourself; thinking that you don't need them to hold your hand all the time, or to be there the whole way through to make sure nothing happens.

But I wish it was still like that.  I wish I still had her to hold my hand at the doctor's office when I get a shot for whatever disease there is out there and I wish that I could go shopping and have her tell me what looks good and what doesn't and that we could just sit in the car and take a drive somewhere and have a normal conversation.  But I can't.  & that's what hurts the most.

Because sometimes if other people think they've lost that, they can just call up whoever and do it with them for old times sake.  But I don't have that chance, nor the opportunity.  I miss everything that flew by without a moment's notice and everything I wish I held on to for only a little while longer before it was all washed away and never brought up again.  Just doing anything would have mattered and meant the world to me.  & having the memories to look back on and to somehow, if any time at all, feel better whenever I start to feel that feeling down in the pit of my stomach and know, just know, that I'll start to cry sooner or later in that span of time.

I really can't go a full day without crying about it...ever.  Yes, things do make me feel better and they take my mind off it, some things way better than others.  & some people too, but that doesn't stop the feeling from coming back any time it wants to.  And it's sad that a little girl who was once so happy with her life and just such a ball of sunshine had to be torn down in the prime of her youth with something awful to shape the world she lives in now.  I was wrong...I guess there was a point to this post.